Overeating and frustrated with OA
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Went to a phonemeeting with OA yesterday - after a bingefree month I do want to keep my spirit alert and "feed" myself with program.
It went the other way... I was very frustrated when listening to the meeting - as I came in too late I never announced myself but listened. And noticed myself getting more and more irritated. As I do know that the problem only occurs when I don´t like myself I had to find out the cause of my reaction.
I think it was the "hallelujah" attitude of the meeting. They said things like it was not enough to eat right you also had to eat for the right purpose to be in recovery. And without a sponsor you stand no chance... and sugar i poison and regular meals is the law, and everybody felt wonderful because they had found the solution...
I feel left out and "wrong" As my experiences has led me to believe that I am not sensitive to sugar - sugar is not "Poison" to me although I have to be careful with it just as I have with any other very calorie rich nutrition. In fact, I have learned that there are many foods and situations I have to be careful of - they trigger me and make me want to dive into food oblivion. But fat and salt are to me worse than sugar in this case.
I also believe that I am too far from "normal" to even consider how my "attitude" is, why I am eating. I can focus on only one thing for the moment - to stay below my calorie limit. This is causing a lot of guilt feelings as I allow myself to have irregular meals, to eat the "wrong" things, to obsess about the scale, very far from "perfect".
And it is so sad that my "people-pleasing" is so heavy that I have to get into this state of rebellion towards that meeting - I have decided on my action plan, it has worked for a month and I am struggling, but happy, because I do believe in it. But I don´t believe in me, I very much doubt my own ability to make healthy decisions so I am very vulnerable to comments or thoughts from others and have to protect myself better.
I phone my OA-friend that I speak to every morning. She is from USA but came to Sweden 25-30 years ago. She just laughed and said "it is because OA is so young and immature here, wait 30 years and you will have more stability and balanced people..."
I went to an AA meeting in the evening, we were only three people but had a good meeting with the 12th step as theme. On my way home I bought a bag with cinnamon buns and had for evening tea... it was "the best of the worst" I craved both icecream and french cheese and why not some italian sausages. But I managed to drive past the supermarket and bought these buns at the gas station after thoroughly analysing what I could do, and if I really HAD to binge.
Through exercising and tracking the result was still "only" 360 calories over my limit, that is not a disaster and no cause to give up. I "just" blew my bingefree streak and that´s it. A new month, a new streak.
The real reason for cravings is that I postpone two important things – paying bills and getting my car fixed. The car is due for annual inspection and time is running out and I simply can´t bring myself to getting that blinker fixed that I have to do before I get to inspection - it annoys me so much that I have to go to a workshop to get it done - modern cars!
I don´t know why I fear the stack of bills, but I do. There should be enough money to pay them but I fear to learn the truth...
So - I am trusting my Higher power and ask to be released of my burden for just this day – one day at the time.
No food picture today - did not have any real meal, just grazing and bingeing yesterday.
Thanks for reading.
Member Comments About This Blog Post
Your blog always has such insight in them. You are an inspiration as you are always honest here about any and all feelings. Thanks so much.
1478 days ago
You always make me feel better - so much of what you write is exactly what I feel. Why is it when we are doing well & feeling successful something comes along and tells us we are not doing so well after all, and there goes that good powerful emotion - bye bye! But you keep proving you can believe in yourself! You wrote a blog recently that listed several ways you had succeeded and that you have to have more confidence in yourself. Just this month, the program that's working for you is one you made and have followed. Anyway, like you I have a few chores that for some reason I just can't bring myself to take care of; they sit there like rocks in my path. So I feel comforted that someone else shares that experience. Maybe one of us will figure it out someday and tell the other! I do sincerely thank you for your blogs... oh and I laughed at the bit in the OA meeting "regular meals is the law" HA! this week I stopped trying to break things into meals on my nutrition tracker - I track it all in one meal. It's more honest - that's what I ate for the day. but how much at what time and is that really lunch, or dinner? or is it a snack? bah - I gave up trying to sort it out. I eat every 3 or 4 hours and have enough food to get me thru the day, but what I eat and at what time is unplanned. It's working for me... we can only do what works for us - not what others tell us should work for us.
1479 days ago
Comment edited on: 8/2/2013 12:27:27 AM
Here is *ALL* that OA says about what should be eaten:
Abstinence in Overeaters Anonymous is the action of refraining from compulsive eating and compulsive food behaviors while working towards or maintaining a healthy body weight.
There are groups that get very rigid about "prescribing" certain food plans. Many people do better when they follow something that resembles those plans, but not everybody. Sometimes people get so zealous that they inadvertently turn off others who view the world differently and do quite well with a different eating plan.
Only you (with your sponsor's help) can decide what is a good eating situation for your well-being. Take care.
1479 days ago
It is so frustrating. I've gone to many AA meetings where I've focused on how different I am from everyone. I'm very vulnerable to losing sight of the principles while focusing on the personalities. It's something that keeps sending me back to the Big Book so I can look at the program and not the attitudes of the people in the meetings.
1480 days ago
I think you, and I, and all of us, must find what works best for us. What works for me need not work for you and vice versa.
Let me tell you that I think that 'perfect' is boring!
1480 days ago
I read this and see you as being a healthy person in and unhealthy meeting (thankfully, with a healthy sponsor to call!); and unhealthy meetings do exist. I could not function in OA because of the rigid rules and definitions of abstinence that I just don't agree with. Abstinence is just not part of my lifestyle. Overeating is NOT the same as alcoholism, but yes; the 12 steps work for both--if you work it. I think you are moving towards a healthy balance in your life, as I am. But, I've had two days of going over my calorie limit; having more ice cream in the house than I should I ate it. If it weren't here I would have been fine. I need to just stick to eating it out or buying a pint at a time occasionally. I think forbidding things gives them too much time and space in our minds and that triggers cravings. I will be fine and so will you. You are an intelligent resourceful woman; trust yourself.
1480 days ago
One day at a time.
1480 days ago
I hope you'll give yourself a big pat on the back for having such a gifted capacity for insight...because you DO! I love reading your reflections. There's a huge, crucial definition between alcoholics (AA) and compulsive eaters (!!), too - the alcoholic can, one day at a time, renounce alcohol. But the food addict can't give up eating, obviously. That makes it a tricky addiction to tackle, and the answer is as individualized as the structure of every separate snowflake when it snows. We each come up with our own personal strategy for overcoming compulsive eating - or reining it in - and you're in the process of coming to the strategy or formula that works for you, your needs, and your unique stressors.
I have every bit of faith one could have that you can and will do this - you are a very wise woman.
1480 days ago
don't beat your self up....you are human and we falter....do what works for you....find a plan that you know is right for you....moderation is the key to long lasting changes...
1480 days ago
hmmm...you dont sound "so far from normal"...or, if you are, so am i! this also sounds very similar to how i would feel! i have also struggled w binge-eating (slash, still struggle with it...) sugar has never been a problem for me. and people-pleasing is DEFINITELY something i have identified in myself and am trying to refocus. i would love to stay in touch with you, i could definitely use a support system of my own...bingeing has completely stopped my weight-loss (i didnt binge from april-july, and then have spent all of july bingeing, gaining 5 pounds, losing those 5 lbs and bingeing again...ugh!). anyway...you are not alone, and you are doing awesome :)
1480 days ago
You're doing so well. Well done.
1481 days ago
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