Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Went to a phonemeeting with OA yesterday - after a bingefree month I do want to keep my spirit alert and "feed" myself with program.
It went the other way... I was very frustrated when listening to the meeting - as I came in too late I never announced myself but listened. And noticed myself getting more and more irritated. As I do know that the problem only occurs when I donīt like myself I had to find out the cause of my reaction.
I think it was the "hallelujah" attitude of the meeting. They said things like it was not enough to eat right you also had to eat for the right purpose to be in recovery. And without a sponsor you stand no chance... and sugar i poison and regular meals is the law, and everybody felt wonderful because they had found the solution...
I feel left out and "wrong" As my experiences has led me to believe that I am not sensitive to sugar - sugar is not "Poison" to me although I have to be careful with it just as I have with any other very calorie rich nutrition. In fact, I have learned that there are many foods and situations I have to be careful of - they trigger me and make me want to dive into food oblivion. But fat and salt are to me worse than sugar in this case.
I also believe that I am too far from "normal" to even consider how my "attitude" is, why I am eating. I can focus on only one thing for the moment - to stay below my calorie limit. This is causing a lot of guilt feelings as I allow myself to have irregular meals, to eat the "wrong" things, to obsess about the scale, very far from "perfect".
And it is so sad that my "people-pleasing" is so heavy that I have to get into this state of rebellion towards that meeting - I have decided on my action plan, it has worked for a month and I am struggling, but happy, because I do believe in it. But I donīt believe in me, I very much doubt my own ability to make healthy decisions so I am very vulnerable to comments or thoughts from others and have to protect myself better.
I phone my OA-friend that I speak to every morning. She is from USA but came to Sweden 25-30 years ago. She just laughed and said "it is because OA is so young and immature here, wait 30 years and you will have more stability and balanced people..."
I went to an AA meeting in the evening, we were only three people but had a good meeting with the 12th step as theme. On my way home I bought a bag with cinnamon buns and had for evening tea... it was "the best of the worst" I craved both icecream and french cheese and why not some italian sausages. But I managed to drive past the supermarket and bought these buns at the gas station after thoroughly analysing what I could do, and if I really HAD to binge.
Through exercising and tracking the result was still "only" 360 calories over my limit, that is not a disaster and no cause to give up. I "just" blew my bingefree streak and thatīs it. A new month, a new streak.
The real reason for cravings is that I postpone two important things paying bills and getting my car fixed. The car is due for annual inspection and time is running out and I simply canīt bring myself to getting that blinker fixed that I have to do before I get to inspection - it annoys me so much that I have to go to a workshop to get it done - modern cars!
I donīt know why I fear the stack of bills, but I do. There should be enough money to pay them but I fear to learn the truth...
So - I am trusting my Higher power and ask to be released of my burden for just this day one day at the time.
No food picture today - did not have any real meal, just grazing and bingeing yesterday.
Thanks for reading.