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    AEROBISAURUS   30,748
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My life on the current

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

I've quit taking my mood stabilizing and anti depressant medication. I don't want to need them anymore. I've seen a therapist and now I'm doing my homework. I'm going out, I'm doing things with people in social settings. I'm expanding my comfort zone and I'm growing! I'm getting to know myself through this process of uncomfortableness and I'm discovering life! All sides of it, unmasked.

My father is going to have lung surgery on August 14. They did a bone test on him because they think his cancer is connected to one of his ribs. We are still waiting for the results. If cancer is connected to the bone then they will have to remove the rib.

I haven't spoken to my mother or my brother in over 5 years. You guys know my dad has lung cancer and if you don't know already I've got an extremely strained relationship with my mother. Both of my parents are divorced. They separated when I was 18.

My father has not spoken to my brother for almost the same amount of time as me. When my parents split we all divided onto sides. Now that he is sick I feel like it is my job to be the messenger. I know my dad would love to hear his voice because he has extinguished every avenue short of calling mother to get in contact with him. This afternoon I did the unthinkable. I called my mothers home phone and I left a message requesting my brothers contact information. I'm nervous to see what she will do with said request. What she does do will speak volumes.

Linda my dad's wife, she is not doing good. She has been in the hospital for over 2 weeks. She has an unidentified fungus in her lung and since they don't know what it is they don't know how to treat it. Therefor Linda is getting a rainbow of different antibiotics and is pretty much just crossing her fingers that it helps.

When I go out and run I meditate and send strength, love, and healing thoughts to their lungs from mine. I'm so h3ll bent on saving my dad in some way that I'm afraid of anything less. If only I could rip open my chest and give him a fresh new lung. I'm prepared. I have a warriors heart and soul. I was built tough, raised strong and made to last. So is my dad and no matter what the circumstance so am I.

Xo
Nikki
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AMC120 8/16/2013 11:16AM

    Oh darling.... My thoughts & prayers are with you and your family. May God bless you all. My family has had it's share of hard hits and continue to do so, as yours does, so I know how bad your heart hurts. You just want to fix everything, make everything better, but sometimes we can't do that. However, what we can do is continue to take care of us and be a blessing to everyone in our path!

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CHADDYTHEGOAT 8/8/2013 12:59PM

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LISBETHSALANDER 8/1/2013 9:09AM

    Thoughts and prayers to you and your family. I am so proud of you making the call to your mother after all this time in the hopes of healing the rift between your father and brother. Remember, in the end it is up to them and the best you can do is your best. Hugs to you.

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GOCALGAL 8/1/2013 8:56AM

    My heart goes out to you and your family situation. You are so brave and strong to contact your mom for your father's sake. I pray she will do the right thing and that there will be healing for your dad, you and your entire family in every way physical, spiritual, emotional.

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BAKER1009 7/31/2013 1:38PM

    I know you already told me all of this, but I wanted to leave something here for you...I'm in your corner...always.

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DIANEDOESSMILES 7/31/2013 1:52AM

    HI Nikki,,,

I know I am going to DISAGREE with some here, but I've been the extra help I now need,,, cos "I went off my meds" Also AS WITH YOU, feeling that if I JUST WANTED to be strong,,,, and THOUGHT I WAS STRONG,,, in the end,, it BIT ME IN THE BUTT !! EVER JUST So,,,it took me a bit before I realized it,,, and was NOT honest with myself over the "med" situation and how I REALLY WAS. So hon,,,, please listen to those in ur life,,,, if others are saying "I think you need them" or "Ur not acting/thinkin correctly" than please do call the Doc and go back on them,,slowly. From someone's who's been there,,,got the Tee Shirt,,,,,and "owns the tee shirt store, of which you CAN Shop at " !!!

Hon,,, with my Daddy who is my LIFE AND LIGHT of the fam,,, he's the TOP MAN !!! He's now 81,,,, is now TIRED, but WOULD NOT say so,,, til I was honest with myself "he will not live forever",, they just do not. My Mom died from br cancer when she was only 55,,, in both cases they NEEDED to KNOW I would be OK. (I am the only girl, 4 bro's). Once I REASSURED them I WAS FINE (I was NOT really,,, but weould learn to be so) it changed our communication to saying the LOVE we REALLY have for each other,,, and like you my rents divorced, but I was 7,,, it was time for me to HEAL From that,,, and how it hurt all of kids,,,, still does the boyz who will NOT talk it out with an OPEN MIND, but instead they HURT WITH ANGER. (like w/ur Mom). It has helped out sooo much ! I am the only one in the fam, now , who's willing to be at PEACE with all that happened back there, to not blame either parents,,or take sides,, that was ALONG in coming,,, so it HAD seemed as a teen,,let it go at 23,,,, and now in my 50s,,, and feel GREAT about it. It's HARD hon to bring down those walls,,, than I HAD TO REBUILD one around one bro,, who's acutally STEALING From my Daddy !! I HATE IT SO MUCH !!! But, Daddy will NOT allow help,,, just says to me "I want my pics,,, I want my checkbook (UGHERS DANG IT !),,,,, and some other things which mean so much to him,,esp around the army. my CREAPY , AWESOME "bro" He's NOT really MY Bro,, he's just a sperm who got in the way ! LOL LOL !!! if he were NOT stealing,,,I'd be Ok,,though over all he's a moron.

With the exer/ it helps us to get OUT the NEGATIVE energy we have. Its a TOTAL PLUS !!! I do not know if you believe in prayer,,, but I do,,,and will do some while exer,,, it helps me with what I am saying,,to be more living,, peaceful.

;) TAKE Carah !!! WE CARE about YOU !

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KAYZAKCX 7/30/2013 8:31PM

    Nikki, I'm sending positive vibes your way. Take it from me: keep running. It will help you through. Take care.

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1BEARWIFE 7/30/2013 8:04PM

    Hi Nikki, Just keep an honest eye on yourself and give permission to get back on the meds again if you need them. You are going through a whole lot of changes, my friend, and it might become too much to deal with all at once.

I applaud you calling and leaving a message on your mother's phone! WOW! That is really a big moment forward in your life. Stand tall and proud, and drop your therapist a note letting her know of your decision and actions. (Rarely do therapists ever get to learn of successes from their patients, and it will truly make her entire month!)

I will pray for you, your Dad and your Step Mom.
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JANETRIS 7/30/2013 7:28PM

    Hi Nikki,

So sorry to hear your Dad and his wife are both suffering so greatly. We do have a choice how we react to the curve ball life throws at us. I am so glad you are working on keeping your glass half full rather than empty. Way to put your Dad's thoughts and feelings first and reaching out to your Mom. I truly hope that some healing will happen in your family. All my best to you and your family. You are one tough cookie. How fortunate they are to have you in their corner! emoticon emoticon

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MARYANNSQUEST 7/30/2013 7:27PM

    Niki, I am so proud of you for moving forward and not taking your meds. Take Care of yourself as you go forward. I am sending my prayers and thoughts for your family. I know how Lung Cancer can effect a family. My family became closer as we watched my mom suffer from that disease. I pray that your brother and your mother will find it in their heart and soul to start communicating with you as you have with them.

Stay Strong, my family sends you their prayer, and their thoughts.
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Mary Ann and Family

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K-GETTING-FIT 7/30/2013 6:26PM

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Dear Nikki, I am very sorry to hear about your father. I missed this. Also your dad's wife. I know how difficult it is to go through with a parent. Takes me back to when my mom was fighting advanced breast cancer.

You are a strong warrior! I am incredibly proud of you for reaching out and making that call. Please know that whatever comes of the call it is a beautiful step you took for your father and for you.

You know I will send all kinds of love and prayers your way babe. Wishing you added strength and peace. Keep those meditations going. I believe they DO make a difference during these times. Always.


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GOULDSGRANITE 7/30/2013 5:20PM

    Wow Nikki ~ you are a strong positive force for your family right now. Talking to and doing what you can for your Dad and your family on a daily basis will be everything and then some that you can do. None of us is guaranteed tomorrow, so my prayer for YOU is to be able to enjoy every moment with your kids and family. I am so glad you are not taking the meds anymore. Mind over matter will win the game. There must be a reason you are facing this with a clear, calm mind. Bless You! Stay strong and please let me know if I can do anything for you. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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