Tuesday, July 30, 2013
People wonder how I got so fat. How in May 2012 I was under 200 and by the end of summer I was 225 and now, as of a month ago I'm 270. How can a woman go from being hot to fat. From caring to not. From snacking to scarfing. And drinking water to soda, to water again, and to soda. I quit the soda thing again as of a week ago.
They ask me what am I doing now? Have a started to get back out there again? Whatever happened with my gym membership? If I have shoe inserts why am I not shrinking if I missed working out? Why, Charlene, why? Why let yourself go? Huh? Why?
Well for one, I am VERY aware of my body thank you. Aware of my changes and my habits, aware of the fact that I no longer find any part of my outside attractive. I am aware that my relationship failed partially due to me being so overweight and he wanted me to get back to being skinny so he could be with a hot chick. I am very well aware of the fact that each passing meal I have without veggies or overload my plate with more than heaping piles of food is causing me to gain weight. Causing me to become what I am. I am aware that I can walk everyday to help. Do something. I am aware of the weights that I own can and will help even if I do it once a day.
But don't you see that talking to me about it makes me feel bad about myself? Don't you see that I have feelings? That I too am a human being. You don't see that? Then let me explain something to you: this sh*t sucks.
It sucks to be stuck on the couch on doctors orders, it takes a toll on you and you turn to comfort...your old habits creep up, food. Finally the doctor says start walking, but you can't. It hurts to walk anymore than the new "normal" the new slacking. Everything. It's not easy staying the same happy upbeat person that you are and other people love. But it's who I AM. It's ME. And so is this. But being fat? That's not me. I know that. But I also know now, everyone has their own story and we all have set backs. Even the pros. I now know that THIS is my new beginning. My struggles that I have now are just struggles that you or her or even him has, I struggle for weeks on end, and then I get better at it. I figure something out, and sure life gets in the way but don't think I'm happy when I look at the scale. Don't think about the fact that I quit, just think about the fact that I am still fighting. I am continuing. I eat handfulls of baby tomatoes everyother day when our garden gives them to us.
I am only human. I started my journey years ago. And NOW is the time where I need to let that go and realize there really is a point in this where you can't keep going..or continuing. There is a point where we have to actually quit just so we can take the time we need to listen to the doctor and try to let our body do what it needs to, and yes I quit. And I kept telling myself I am a failure because I didn't want to quit....and now I realize I have to.I have to quit thinking I am on the SAME journey as before. Because I'm not. I'm bigger than I have ever been (actually I have lost weight since I got my inserts). I eat more fast food than ever before, I drink more soda than any normal human really should. But that's what happens. Things change. And I need to forgive myself for what I have done, and the fact that my feet isn't all my fault. I did nothing wrong when they gave out, but I am doing something wrong now that I can walk a little bit. And I see that I need to forgive myself the way I used to when I did drugs and drank alcohol everyday. I need to allow myself to be human and accept things. And this whole freaking year...I forgot that I am a human being. I forgot that I too am allowed to live and have sh*t happen to me too. It may be over a year but guess what? I am starting over. I am going to get to my goal weight of 150. I am going to see this through, even if it takes me three years like it does for some.
It's my turn again. And I am going to take it full speed ahead.....well maybe start at 5 mph just to be safe.