Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Dear July 2013,
I am tired of you. I mean, your sister June 2013 wasn't so great but I was still sort of holding it together while she was around.
My first complaint is that you're hot. Not hot in the good way. You're just plain hot. You're so hot that I just don't care too much about my plants anymore. Sure, I'll give them some water but if they are wanting admiration, or a little bit of care in the morning, they can forget about it. I've just let them fend for themselves.
While at work, I shut myself up in the house and do not leave. I'm totally enjoying the artificial environment created by air-conditioning.
Then after losing control of my emotions, I lost control of just about everything else. I let my environment go, my fitness go, my healthy eating ... I just let everything go.
I've made a few attempts to get control back. But that was before I'd really lost control. That was before the fast food. It was before the candy bars. It was before the wine. It was before going days without exercising.
I've gained at least 10 pounds and as previously discussed, I don't care. I knew what I was risking and I was willing to risk it.
In the midst of a stellar meltdown on Sunday I told my son that I don't know what was causing my angst (It turns out, we are both experiencing some version of angst. SURPRISE!)
I found myself explaining to my son that the whole idea of parents being more mature than their children was pure NONSENSE (no profanity allowed in blog posts). I don't feel there is any truth to it at all.
We are all on a journey, and it doesn't matter how old we are, if we are living our life, if we haven't managed to turn off our humanity, to turn off that magical nameless thing that makes us human, then life is not only showing us great things but is also pushing our buttons and pulling our strings as though we are it's personal marionettes - because we ARE. The purpose of life is to deal with our issues - all of them - all kinds - the kind we are interested in and the kind that doesn't really catch our attention. If there's one thing you can count on, life will bring it to your attention when you least expect it.
So, the whole idea of being prepared for parenthood - forget it! Being mature enough for parenthood? Ha!
There are good circumstances and not so good circumstances....
But if you're alive be prepared to be played.
....and if you are a parent .... be prepared to be played while simultaneously trying to present a stable image to your child ....
What a joke. To me, with my 20/20 hindsight, the only authentic course, as a parent, is to achieve a precarious balance between authenticity which includes the never-ending possibility of perpetual chaos and your core values - which for me means living from my heart even when I'm in my head. There is chaos on the physical plain and chaos on the emotional front at times. Stability, or to be more precise, the ability to balance, comes from keeping your eyes and ears open, emotionally and physically, and dealing with that stuff.
Anyway, so what was I talking about before I went into the parenting rant ....
Oh yeah .... GOODBYE JULY 2013 .... you SUCKED .... but you kept it REAL!
Another thing I told my son is that although there are times when I want to dive between the sheets of my bed, watch marathons of Law & Order: SVU, and doze all day long in between meals and snacks - and really work towards becoming Gilbert Grape's next mother .......
is.... That I can't. It's too late. I'll have to kiss those happy days goodbye. Stop crying about it ...... lol .... and move on ....
I know, it may be the wrong place to express my grief and mourning for my old self.
I really do try to tell the truth as I see it in the moment.
So ... it's a very good thing that ......
There really isn't any other way but forward.
..... and I find myself tonight ... on the even of August 2013 ... wanting it again.
I want to move forward again.