Monday, July 29, 2013
So I'm no longer where I was before in many ways. I struggled, suffered and let myself be broken over the years. I was held back and even though the best was wanted for me, it just wasn't allowed. Good intentions aren't always good. I left Chicago and my husband recently. There were a lot of issues and a lot of heartache, but ultimately I fell out of love with him a long time ago and more recently in love with someone else. I never thought I'd be that person, but I am what I am. Most importantly I'm me. I needed to focus on loving myself and who I am before I could continue putting everything into my family. I was told that my wants were just a fantasy world. Things aren't like that in the real world. That I would go out there and be on my own and find that I was sorely mistaken and come crawling back. That just made me angry. I have a right to have dreams, they don't have to turn out exactly as I planned as long as I get to where I need to be. I deserve to be happy and healthy. I deserve someone who wants to do things with me as much as I want to with them. Everyone deserves to be happy, but most of all be happy with themselves. I didn't think that was so much to ask. To be independent and strong.
He couldn't take that I wanted to leave or that I might be leaving him for another person. Twice in the last few months he tried to commit suicide. Most recently on July 4th. While he was losing his mind on his benedryl trip in front of our daughters... going through all the motions of an OD, I took him to the ER. I left him there. I packed up my children and we went on our scheduled vacation as planned for 2 days from then. We just left early. My family was afraid.. I was afraid. We stayed. I'm now in Georgia. It's been almost a month of insanity, torture and mental warfare. While in Florida he started disabling my phone. Threatening me because I didn't answer his calls or texts. He placed pleading sobbing phone calls to me. To my sister. To my family. He accused my daughter of being me on her phone so that I wouldn't have to talk to him. A weekend later he tried to strand us on a road trip. He canceled my phone and my daughters and emptied my bank account.
Every day has been a new emotion until recently. He's barely talked to me for several days and while this is comforting it's also devastating. It's hard being close to someone for so long (regardless of the type of relationship) and having them suddenly disappear from your life. I wanted to be out of the relationship, but I didn't expect him to withdraw completely. It hurt more with him telling me for weeks prior that if I was going to leaving to just take the kids with me. Because he didn't want them if he couldn't have me. Then telling me he doesn't love them as much as he does me. He knows he should, but doesn't. Then denying responsibility for my older daughter who he has raised with me since she was 2. Now he accuses me of punishing them by taking them from him. He was almost always mean and condescending towards them. He ignored them constantly. He says he misses them, I'm sure he does. My son misses him too. All of us do to an extent, but that's not worth going back to. He's only requested to see them for 2 weeks a year. I would have fought tooth and nail for as much time as possible.
I'm lucky to have the amazing support I do from my family and my love, but I still feel broken in all of this. It's been traumatizing to say the least. I didn't ask for the insanity, but I should have expected it.
For years I felt like I was trapped inside myself and unable to make changes and move forward. There's a huge difference in my blog posts from day one to now. I needed to change myself drastically inside and out and I'm doing that now. Since I left, through all the craziness and insanity, I am less stressed. My situation is difficult right now, but things are ok. I know they're going to be ok. I feel good about myself, even dealing with my emotional issues. I've lost 16lbs and counting just since July 4th. I'm making changes and actually for once starting fresh instead of just saying I was going to. I feel free, but lost at the same time. I'm hoping to find my way soon.