Monday, July 29, 2013
I've binged on food since I was a little kid. Dad used to make fun of me because I use to "sneak" food as he calls it. When he brings it up now in my 20's, it's just embarrassing and shameful to know that people knew. It makes you feel even more ashamed. Over the weekend, I not only binged Friday, and badly, but also Sunday too. Yet Saturday, I was able to get on track from where I was after Friday and even sneak in a mile walk. That's definitely something I need to get back into the habit of - my exercising. I'm 42lbs down. It's the most weight I ever lost in one crack. I can fit into Lane Bryant clothes again...heh. And yesterday my best friend and I went into Dots and I found a dress I liked for work. I love dressing up, but always felt fat or not feminine enough. The dress actually looked nice on me. I couldn't believe I fit into Dots clothes (and they're so reasonably-priced) when they run smaller than Lane Bryant. My biggest dream is to be able to go into any store one day and find clothes I can buy.
There's one thing that keeps running through my mind though - what if I DO lose a ton of weight?...I watched an episode of Dr. Phil last week. It was a repeat. A woman who had lost over 100lbs, ,I believe, was now thin, but constantly ostracized by her P.O.S. long-time "best friend" for having all this extra skin and being "unattractive". He called her stomach a porkrine (sp?) for it not being "pretty". He wouldn't date or commit to her until she fixed it. Dr. Phil ended up setting her up with a highly prestigious plastic surgeon to do skin removal surgery and a lift. She DID look a lot better, but, in the update, she stayed with him. It was sad to me. She was a beautiful person even with the extra skin and she settled for trash who wouldn't give her the time of day emotionally or romantically because he "couldn't get excited" over "a body like that". It disgusted me.
It is a big worry though - I worked my body up into this former gargantuan 336lb+ body (at my peak last year)...and yet...what if I get down far enough...where my skin CAN'T just retract enough because of how big I previously made it? What if it just DOESN'T work like that? I'll just have "wings" forever and extra stomach and thighs? It makes me anxious just thinking about it.
This week - I'm going to commit to walking again. Saturday - at around 4pm, that walk made me forget how starving I felt that I only had had 300 or so calories by that late in the day (which, don't worry, isn't normal for me. I tried a new quickie lean pocket and it was gross so I gave it to the dog LMAO!) I'd like to one day be able to walk more than a mile without sweating and getting all huffy, but for now...it's what I know I CAN do without needing to stop. And the terrain changes to a bit hilly and I know that helps more than walking on completely flat land too.
Well - tune in for more.