i am sitting here with a blank blog page. i just keep staring at the screen. this is one of the hardest blogs i think i have ever written. tears are running down my face, sadness, guilt, shame fill my MIND. again, my life has been a huge storm
of situations, that have distracted me from my goals. i was so on fire a couple of months ago, then family, friends, job, being sick all got in the way... AGAIN.
i just get so overwhelmed with things, that i go back to eating, not working out, not praying (or just not praying for the right things... like praying for God to take me out of situations, rather than remember that God is with me every step of the way, and ask for Him to strengthen me)... and this thing called avoidance.
avoidance... remember as a kid (or maybe it was just me), that when you did something you knew was wrong, or maybe it was something you didn't do (like procrastinating doing something), and i would just run from the situation, pretend it wasn't there. on a MUCH smaller scale, kinda like when Adam and Even tried to avoid God after eating the fruit! (see? it all began with not eating the right things, LOL ~just kidding). here God is searching for them, calling out to them, they are hiding. (of course, we all know that God knew where they were, he just wanted them to come to Him), and when God did "find" them, they were ashamed, and had covered themselves with leaves... uuummm, interesting, just like me, eating a whole bunch and covering up my body, so no one will see my body and how fat i have become! i am seeing some similarities here, again~lol!)
well, with all these things going on with me, i avoided all my friends on sparks... YOU. i avoided the biggest positive support (well, you and God).
i had some of you spark friends calling to me... sending me e-mails, writing on my spark page, sending me goodies (by the way, thank you for all of those things).
i totally shut off sparkpeople, again. remember, if i don't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist, right? don't write in my calories (or even count them) i can't see how bad i am doing. if i start wearing sweats and big t-shirts, i must not be gaining weight, right? (quick side not here- i just found some old pictures of me... when i was lighter than my goal weight now, and i am wearing HUGE, long t-shirts., i was ashamed of my body then! what the heck? i would love to look at those pictures right now, to see how good i looked, it would probably inspire me. what the heck?) anyway, and if i don't talk to everyone on sparks, you don't know, HA-HA! i win! right? nope, not really.
so, i guess this was the L-O-N-G version of me saying i am sorry for avoiding all of you... and to come clean to you all and coming clean to myself.
i started to write that these emotions (sadness, guilt, shame) filled my heart. but after a few minutes of thinking about it, those emotions are NOT in my heart... those emotions are in my mind. in my HEART, the emotions are love, thankfulness, and a midgen of hope. i love God, and all of you. i love the body God has given me. i might not have been treating this wonderful gift (my body) as good as i should, but i do love it. God gave it to me, how can i NOT love a gift God has given me??? and i love all of you (you are all so positive, non-judgemental, kind, caring, giving of yourselves). and thankfulness? i am thankful to have all of you! and a migden of hope? well, i hope that you all are still out there, and are still willing to help me, even after i have pushed you all away.
thank you everyone, who sent me e-mails, posted on my page, sent me goodies, and praying for me i did see them, and felt the prayers, and they were just the things i needed to grasp hold of, and give me the courage to start over. i am back, starting slowly and i little scared, but i am starting.
thank God, and thank you all.