Monday, July 29, 2013
I have been struggling with my weight for 12 years now. I have essentially no motivation whatsoever, and I have never, ever felt this way before.
In the past, I have made all kinds of charts, programs, looked at all kinds of websites, before/after pictures, inspirational quotes, watched TV shows that get me more interested in weight loss (Biggest Loser, Ruby, Heavy, etc). I have set up rewards systems, etc. All of these work...for a while.
This time, I know I "need" to do something about my weight...but I just can't seem to get with the program. It's all I think about...all day long...every single day. Yet I can't seem to shake this. I can't seem to get excited about starting over....just can't get my head to get with the program. It's not a depression (because I have plenty of experience with that to know what that is), but in a way it kind of mimics one. I can compare it to a depression because its all-consuming, I can't get rid of it, I feel like it is completely useless. I wonder how many times I have "started over" throughout the years. I've honestly lost track. But when I do get ready to start over, I am READY to start over. This time I just feel so blah about it. I know I'm being ridiculous about it, and whiny and undoubtedly annoying, but I can't help it. It is what it is. It's how I feel. I just feel like...I don't want to be this way, but I don't want to try again, either. It's like there is this overwhelming voice just saying, "Don't bother...you'll just fail again...you always do." I keep thinking about this picture I saw a while back. I almost feel like staying fat sometimes. At least I know I'm good at that...wouldn't be failing at anything...or would I? Then I'd be a failure for giving up. I don't know what to do. I just wish I didn't feel like this.