Sunday, July 28, 2013
I feel incredibly ashamed about abandoning this blog, this community, this lifestyle for so long. Not that I ever completely gave up- except for vacation, I have been tracking my food with MyFitnessPal. So at least there's that. But I've been going over my goal, day after day. It's become less of a helpful nutritional tool and more of a confessional that I force myself to complete just to keep from going crazy. I may have fallen off the wagon, but at least I knew what I was doing. I could see the numbers in black and white. And they terrify me.
More than that, though, the behaviors terrify me. I guess the numbers haven't been -that- bad. Overeating for me is not nearly as extreme as it used to be. There have been days when I had three times my calorie budget, though. It makes me sick to think about how out of control I've been. The numbers are a result of the behaviors, though. Eating with wild abandon, sneaking food, eating in secret, eating just for the sake of being able to stuff my face with delicious things, eating just because I'm watching TV, eating because my boyfriend is, sneaking out to the store so I could have a day of king size Twix, share size Skittles, a hot dog, a corn dog, a big bag of Cheetos... I mean seriously what the hell?
I hate admitting to these things. But I feel like I have to. I've got to get back on track. I've been scraping by, somehow managing to not gain a lot of weight back. I'm really grateful for that. The number on the scale matters less and less all the time, though. For so much of my life, I've had this notion that if I could just get below 150, I'd be so much more confident, so happy. When that didn't happen, I thought 140 was the magic number. Having hovered between 138-140 for a month or so now, I've found that to be untrue as well. There's just still so much excess fat on my body. All the things I've always hated about my body are still there, they're just a little smaller. And I know, I'll never be perfect. I'm not deluded into thinking I can have a supermodel body or anything. I just want to be able to look at myself in a mirror without breaking down.
The thing I feel -really- ashamed about is taking such a long break from blogging. I really loved it. I got so much wonderful advice and support from really loving, caring people. At first, I tried to reply to everyone, but that quickly got overwhelming. It's hard for me to find the time to blog at all sometimes. But I've had plenty of time to do it. I've just been so scared to have a voice at all. How could I come back after being gone a whole week? Two weeks? Over a month? I was so tempted to just fall off the face of the internet, and maybe start over with a different sparkpage someday. Use a different email address so nobody I know could ever find me. Not post my photo. Just hide like a coward. And as I type this right now, I feel so much anxiety in the pit of my stomach. It's really hard to come back and face all these people who I abandoned. It was never because I didn't care. I wrestled with it all the time. I know I'm just another person among millions and it doesn't matter that much. But I want you to know I'm sorry.
We're about to go grocery shopping. I hope I can hold it together. It's so difficult sometimes, but at least it's gotten easier. I'll write more later tonight.
Thanks for listening.