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I can't believe it's been this long.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

I feel incredibly ashamed about abandoning this blog, this community, this lifestyle for so long. Not that I ever completely gave up- except for vacation, I have been tracking my food with MyFitnessPal. So at least there's that. But I've been going over my goal, day after day. It's become less of a helpful nutritional tool and more of a confessional that I force myself to complete just to keep from going crazy. I may have fallen off the wagon, but at least I knew what I was doing. I could see the numbers in black and white. And they terrify me.

More than that, though, the behaviors terrify me. I guess the numbers haven't been -that- bad. Overeating for me is not nearly as extreme as it used to be. There have been days when I had three times my calorie budget, though. It makes me sick to think about how out of control I've been. The numbers are a result of the behaviors, though. Eating with wild abandon, sneaking food, eating in secret, eating just for the sake of being able to stuff my face with delicious things, eating just because I'm watching TV, eating because my boyfriend is, sneaking out to the store so I could have a day of king size Twix, share size Skittles, a hot dog, a corn dog, a big bag of Cheetos... I mean seriously what the hell?

I hate admitting to these things. But I feel like I have to. I've got to get back on track. I've been scraping by, somehow managing to not gain a lot of weight back. I'm really grateful for that. The number on the scale matters less and less all the time, though. For so much of my life, I've had this notion that if I could just get below 150, I'd be so much more confident, so happy. When that didn't happen, I thought 140 was the magic number. Having hovered between 138-140 for a month or so now, I've found that to be untrue as well. There's just still so much excess fat on my body. All the things I've always hated about my body are still there, they're just a little smaller. And I know, I'll never be perfect. I'm not deluded into thinking I can have a supermodel body or anything. I just want to be able to look at myself in a mirror without breaking down.

The thing I feel -really- ashamed about is taking such a long break from blogging. I really loved it. I got so much wonderful advice and support from really loving, caring people. At first, I tried to reply to everyone, but that quickly got overwhelming. It's hard for me to find the time to blog at all sometimes. But I've had plenty of time to do it. I've just been so scared to have a voice at all. How could I come back after being gone a whole week? Two weeks? Over a month? I was so tempted to just fall off the face of the internet, and maybe start over with a different sparkpage someday. Use a different email address so nobody I know could ever find me. Not post my photo. Just hide like a coward. And as I type this right now, I feel so much anxiety in the pit of my stomach. It's really hard to come back and face all these people who I abandoned. It was never because I didn't care. I wrestled with it all the time. I know I'm just another person among millions and it doesn't matter that much. But I want you to know I'm sorry.

We're about to go grocery shopping. I hope I can hold it together. It's so difficult sometimes, but at least it's gotten easier. I'll write more later tonight.

Thanks for listening.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm back after close to two months! We can do it! It will be alright.
    1669 days ago
    You received some very high quality feedback, so I am just going to leave it at, Welcome Back- ALWAYS and EVERY TIME, no matter how many times it takes.
    1670 days ago
    Please take all that pressure off yourself. You don't have to blog and you don't have to respond to everyone's responses. I know for me I blog a lot when I can and little when I can't. No one is going to hold you accountable for that. You don't need any extra pressure because you are already putting so much on yourself.

    It sounds like you have actually been doing very well - tracking your food and staying in a decent weight range.

    It also sounds like you need some deep breaths and hugs!

    You are doing great!!
    1670 days ago
    Welcome back. It's good to read about what you've been up to. Stay strong!
    1670 days ago
  • LE7_1234
    You didn't abandon anyone here. If anyone was abandoned, it was... you. So I'm glad you found yourself again!

    "For so much of my life, I've had this notion that if I could just get below 150, I'd be so much more confident, so happy. When that didn't happen, I thought 140 was the magic number. Having hovered between 138-140 for a month or so now, I've found that to be untrue as well. There's just still so much excess fat on my body."

    Here's the thing... it's not excess fat that's still keeping you from being happy.... If you can learn to feel happy where you are, how you are, it will be easier to get to where you want to be. 1STATEOFDENIAL put it really well.

    Another thing to consider--if some days you're hitting your calorie goal, and sometimes you're as much as three times higher, but you're still maintaining, maybe one of the triggers to your eating is that you are not getting enough. The average seems to be right for maintaining--so maybe you need to spread your calories out a little more evenly. Raise your daily goal. You may find that you feel more satisfied physically, so you don't feel as much like you need to overeat.

    I know it can be hard to let go of the idea of some low number, but give it a shot....

    1671 days ago
  • RIGEIN24
    One thing my therapist told me a long time ago that still helps me to this day: you are not a scriptwriter for the cast in your life. Basically, if you already have a preconceived notion about how others feel that might not even be true, all it does is make you feel bad.

    I don't feel abandoned, I don't feel ignored if I don't get replies. If I did, that's my problem, not your (or anyone else's) responsibility. People should be able to own their feelings, and if they feel slighted they can come talk to you about it if they really need to. But, I'll accept your apology anyway, even though I don't think it's necessary.

    I'm telling you this just to ease your anxiety. It doesn't mean I don't care. I do care, and I'm happy to see you back! Please don't let it overwhelm you, you don't have to be everything to everyone.
    1671 days ago
    First off, it's good that you found the strength to post again. Second, here's a little perspective: you're not the only one who has left and come back, and some people do that dozens of times before getting serious. No one is going to shame you because you fell off the wagon. If they do, it shows their poor character. Third, I wonder if you're focusing on the wrong issues here.

    It's not about the number on the scale, not about how perfect you are in your journey, and not about how easily you lose or gain weight - it's about what you change in your life. No number on the scale will make you happy. No body shape will make you happy. No food will make you happy. You are the only person who can choose to be happy. There are people who are overweight or obese and happy in their skin. There are models who do drugs and commit suicide because they're so unhappy. Size and shape do not make happiness. It is up to you to find what you can do in life to be happy no matter what you look like.

    You talked about sneaking food, eating lots of junk food, and eating just for the sake of eating. This is disordered eating and is a psychological issue. There is a reason in your life - in your past and/or your present that is making you desperately search for something to fill a void within you, but the only way to fill the void is to heal it. I suggest seeking out a therapist to talk about your issues and find what's really behind your disordered eating so you can move past it. Once you've started that journey then you may have more success in living a healthier lifestyle. Trying to change your eating and exercise habits while ignoring what's causing the problem in the first place is just slapping a bandaid over a broken limb - it might help for a few moments but it doesn't fix the underlying problem.

    There will always be people here at SP to support you and help you. Never try to run away from who you are (I've seen people open up a new sparkpage a dozen times and still never get anywhere) - because you can never outrun yourself. Instead, take a long, hard look at your truths and ask for help to overcome whatever is causing you pain. The real healing and healthy living starts there. As you grow and move past those issues you'll also be able to slowly adjust your diet to be healthier and gradually increase your exercise. You'll be healing yourself from the inside and outside.
    1671 days ago
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