I've finally had a bit of peace from a restless week.
I'm feeling pretty comfortable right now. My DH is wonderful. He's appreciated all my efforts, whatever they may be and has made me feel very happy.
I am happy.
Until of course I leave this comfortable cocoon - maybe say dress up for an evening out with family, relatives or friends - then I get this tinge... an itch, which says I'm "fat".
I still don't know how to get rid of that itch. But I'm noticing, the more I look at "plus" size models, the more comforted I am.
Why do they call them "Plus" size? Surely with "super" models being anorexic, they should call THEM "Minus" size models and the "Plus" size should be called models or supermodels because they represent real women!
Real women have rolls, creases, bulges here and there, some more than others, some less. Some even have it as part of their genetic make up so that a normal healthy weight woman may have a roll or fold on her waist because that's how she genetically deposits fat?
My DH is very good in this respect. It seems to me, due to being pretty immune to all this media - and being from another country and culture, he's normally not even seeing these things as anything but a normal part of a woman - i.e. the way you see a hand on a person or a nose on a face.
His way of seeing things reassures me greatly. It shows that these are also social constructs - these things are not problems or issues at all. The more people are scrutinising a woman's body, the more things they are noticing and trying to fix that aren't wrong in the first place!
For example - like what Debenhams (Department Store in the UK) are doing. They are pledging not to photoshop their models. Hurray? Look at the example - WHAT needs to be photoshopped ANYWAY? Looking for problems that aren't there!
I have a theory - when men are overweight- and I mean, let's say the same proportion of weight vs height to a woman - men hardly get the rolls and bulges that women do. Most men get this pot belly and chubby arms, but the main outline is relatively solid and smooth in comparison to men.
My husband even goes in so far as saying that the way the woman puts on weight and has folds or rolls on her waist/hips is distinctly feminine and attractive - a part of womanliness rather than seen as ugly. What a concept?
You can imagine I have severe issues with body image from an early age for the fact that I'm still 90% at accepting myself whilst being married to such a positive man.
The fact that hundreds of years ago men, yes, the very same males of this very same species, coerced themselves to painstakingly paint women that today would qualify as fat, ugly or otherwise inadequate - how is this possible?
I say it's because the media is too strongly influencing our tastes on what is nice and what isn't. So today's men are disorientated in what's attractive and what's not - even their own instincts have taken a back seat.
My DH comes from a background where there are skinny girls aplenty - and as such those with curves are seen as attractive - hence when we first dated, I was a UK size 16 and he was more than happy with that. After our first child I went up to size 20, and he was still happy. Although he was concerned for my health, otherwise no worries.
Obviously I couldn't bear being that big, so I did my best to come back down. And I've had my ups and down since. But this is the first time I've managed to actually maintain weight loss and it's a liberating experience.
Knowing you can control your weight to stay the same is very relieving for a yo-yo dieter.
I'm still mentally adjusting to being a UK Size 14, although my waist size (on most charts) is to fit a UK size 12. I'm relieved at having my curves back, and know that a couple of folds here and there shouldn't worry me, but they will have to grow on me.
Not so long ago, skinny was thought of as negative - and curves are celebrated. Kinda hard to believe until you see this: