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Friday, July 26, 2013



"You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream." ~ CS Lewis

I just finished sitting on my new deck, reading the last chapters of the latest Stephen King novel (not scary, just good). It was lovely. I am so happy I have the deck. Maybe, I will get my son to take some pictures this weekend and I will post them. Although, it's nothing fancy ~ just an ordinary deck ~ but it's special to me because now I can go outside any time I want and it feels so good.

I don't know why I love Stephen King novels so much. I have every book he's ever written (over 50) ~ and my favorite movies and TV shows are very dramatic and, sometimes, dark. I wish I knew 'why'. Maybe, it's something to ask my therapist. It doesn't make much sense to me, being that I suffer from chronic depression and have been on anti-depressants for many years. Depression is a battle I fight daily. Because of that, you would think I would stay away from this type of 'entertainment' but I really enjoy it.

In the last few years, I've had a lot of success with my depression, however. That's why I love my 'teachers' so much. Wayne Dyer and Eckhart Tolle. They have helped me change the way I 'think', which is the most important part. :) Rich (my therapist) tells me that if I stay off prescription narcotics, I will be even happier. I aim for that but often fall short of my goal because I have narcotics prescribed for me. I have, yet, to be strong enough to tell my doctor that I don't want them. I am afraid to be without them ~ yet, I sometimes get addicted to them. It's really a crazy circle. I, pretty much, have to just leave the outcome in God's hands.

Wow ~ it was not at all my intention to write all this information about me ~ there must be a reason, though, so I am going to leave it as it is. :) Not that I'm embarrassed or ashamed to have a therapist ~ far from it. I believe that most of the world would benefit from having a counsellor, even the counsellors themselves. I have more than one friend who is in the therapy field and also, have their own therapist. My best friend has worked as a social worker and as a therapist in the recovery field and she benefits from having someone to help her with her life problems. It's more that I feel I should have resolved this problem ~ somehow ~ and I haven't.

I quit drinking, the month before I turned 21. Yeah, it was that obvious that liquor was a problem, even at that young age. So, that means I've been in 12-step programs most of my life. But liquor was never, not-even-close, the problem that prescription narcotics have caused me. I am working on it ~ one day at a time ~ but, I guess, I feel that I should have it licked by now. I don't ~ and I have to learn to accept that.

There is no doubt, though, that this ties right into what I do want to talk about. Which is that I'm always having to recommit to the same things ~ and that the same things tend to go wrong on a consistent basis. Yes, this sure does tie into food and my SP plan. :)

I need to recommit to the 'basics'. Things I've talked about on my blog before.

~ I have to start getting up at an earlier time. Nothing drastic, even 9 o'clock would be an improvement. My circadian clock has been 'off' all my life. It was even a problem when I went to school. And, why I have always done better setting my own work hours. The very earliest my body wants to wake up is 8 o'clock, preferably 9. And, it doesn't want to go to bed any earlier than midnight. I've tried for years and years to change this ~ and it won't 'reset' to a normal pattern. I am more rested in 5 hours, if I go to bed at 4 am and wake at 9 than I am if I go to bed at 11 o'clock and sleep until 7, which is 8 hours of sleep. BUT ~ I need to get back to my 9 in the morning schedule. Lately, I've been waking up at 10 or 10:30 which doesn't leave much time until noon. So, my breakfast and lunch are kind of screwed up which makes it hard to follow a food plan.

~ I have to commit to only spending a small amount of time on the internet when I do get up. I've been spending a good hour or more online, which takes me to noon. I have to do my 'work' at Spark Coach, do my daily mediation and get OFF the internet.

~ I have to log my food each day. When I don't ~ even when I'm within my calorie count ~ I feel like I'm doing something 'wrong' and I tend to fall off program a lot faster.

~ I have to commit to making certain that the next day's dinner is planned out before I go to sleep each night. That is one of the things that always causes me problems. I don't have a plan. So, I fail to do the 'right' things.

~ Most of all, I need to find the correct balance of 'structure'. If I don't have any plan for my day, I always fail. I don't eat properly, I don't eat at the right times, I don't exercise, I'm always putting things off for a 'better time'. If I have too much structure in my day, I get very resentful about 'having to' do all these things. I want/need a break from routine ~ and by the time I find one, it's not a good solution. I know that both, too much and too little, structure is bad for me ~ and I need to find a balance. THAT is not going to be easy. I've been looking for a good balance for a few months now.

Those few things, that for most people are standard no-brainers, are enough for now. If I succeed in doing those things, everything in my life will get better. I know that ~ it's happened before. And ~ it is not going to be easy for me to get back on track. So, I will commit to those goals, for now, and add more later.

Time to go eat 'something'. Then some house-work before the boys get home. Thank God, I have already made supper (I doubt I will ever get used to the work 'dinner'. lol).

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