Friday, July 26, 2013
Well, I am struggling with this all week. My husband signed up while drunk to a "dating website" that is all about sex. I try to make myself believe it is not about me, but how am I not supposed to think that way. In his profile he says "i only have sex once a week"!! That is not because I am not willing, wanting, or able. I understand that this is wayyyyy TMI!!! It has not been me that has had a problem, it's him. I understand that he had cancer last year, and it is getting better.
I don't know, I think maybe it has to do with the fact he gained weight, and he doesn't like himself so he downgrades everyone around him. It is like he deflects. Part of that I blame on him being an only child, but for the love of God! If he is bothered by something he sure will point out that same flaw on you.
Now, we had a date night, we drank, he drank harder (my fault I made the drink too strong). Everything was going wonderful, then it turned ugly; (he says he doesn't remember and he may not). We fought, of course how I am not good enough and I weigh too much and blah blah blah. That was last Saturday, then he got on his laptop, sent a message to a chick he had the hots for in high school that he can't bear is in a relationship. She and I had it out once. After he sent the message he deleted her off of his friends list, I did not ask him to do that. Then I found the "dating site stuff". He has not responded and not done anything, but I don't know for sure how I feel about that. Maybe it makes him feel good about himself, I don't know.
We did have several long talks this week regarding his meaness and his deflection, and telling him that I am not perfect and I can be passive aggressive with the best of them. I even told him that I would walk away from it all if that is what he wanted, I just want him to be happy. I feel crushed and consumed. I am stuck at the same weight it feels like forever!!! I know it is lower than it was but I still feel meh! He seems remorseful, and has been very sweet this week, we shall see!
Sorry about all of that... just venting!