Friday, July 26, 2013
Tonight I was watching the latest episode of Extreme Makeover; weight loss edition. Extreme irony is that while watching it, I was eating a pint of ice cream and drinking out of a 20 oz Cherry Pepsi bottle.... I've watched every episode of the three seasons so far, and every time I do, I feel a conviction that I need to do more and do better. Sometimes I do it, but most times it doesn't last beyond the 30 minutes or so after watching.
Last summer after my dad died I managed to lose 20lbs through healthier eating and running. I somehow managed to keep that 20lbs off through Christmas. Then ... it started coming back. I have not regained all of it yet (all but 5 or 6 lbs of it depending on the day.) All through the past year I have maintained a walking habit - at least 30 - 45 minutes three or four times a week. Just walking though doesn't help much if you are at the same time consuming gargantuan amounts of calories in the form of Little Debbie's, ice cream, soda, Hershey Nuggets, etc., etc. It barely keeps up with it.
In my fridge I have the foods that can help me eat more healthfully. It's just a matter of actually eating them. It's a matter of throwing out the junkfood I have in the house right now and pouring out the soda (which I've already done - at least two bottles. have one to go.) It's a matter of NOT buying the junkfood to bring into the house.
It's also a matter of changing habits and mindset. Like I was telling my bf recently .. on my way to go see him (a 16 hr one way drive ...) I stopped at Walmart to pick up a couple things. Without even thinking about what I was doing, I had picked up a box of Little Debbie's to take on the road. That was along with the mini-blizzard I got from my favorite ice cream joint - DQ. I was staying at a hotel that night, and felt sick after eating the blizzard. The next morning I left the box of Little Debbie's in the dresser.
That was kind of a victory, but then again while I was visiting my bf I kept buying candy bars that I hid in my purse to eat when he wasn't around ... and having so many fast food places so convenient (where I live, I'm 30+ miles from any fast food place) I went way overboard .. and hid the evidence as much as possible. One night he came back unexpectedly from work, and I was sitting on the couch after having just gotten back from a 4 mile walk in the local park and stopping at the store ... there next to me on the couch was a box of french chocolate mints. I was SO embarrassed.
I want desperately to stop doing this to myself. I'm not hurting anyone but myself when I binge on junk like this. When I do this kind of thing, I'm only defeating myself and making all the exercise I do manage to do pointless. So I see the numbers not going down, or worse going up, and I don't want to exercise.
I have someone in my life right now who loves me just as I am. He knows my flaws and my weaknesses and still thinks I'm attractive and awesome. Now I just need to get myself to believe it for myself.
Both my bf and I really want to have a child. My weight and our ages are big factors against that ever happening. If this is something I want enough, then it is time for me to get over myself and stop doing things that only defeat what I want - that only sabotage my dreams.