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Starting Again

Friday, July 26, 2013

Tonight I was watching the latest episode of Extreme Makeover; weight loss edition. Extreme irony is that while watching it, I was eating a pint of ice cream and drinking out of a 20 oz Cherry Pepsi bottle.... I've watched every episode of the three seasons so far, and every time I do, I feel a conviction that I need to do more and do better. Sometimes I do it, but most times it doesn't last beyond the 30 minutes or so after watching.

Last summer after my dad died I managed to lose 20lbs through healthier eating and running. I somehow managed to keep that 20lbs off through Christmas. Then ... it started coming back. I have not regained all of it yet (all but 5 or 6 lbs of it depending on the day.) All through the past year I have maintained a walking habit - at least 30 - 45 minutes three or four times a week. Just walking though doesn't help much if you are at the same time consuming gargantuan amounts of calories in the form of Little Debbie's, ice cream, soda, Hershey Nuggets, etc., etc. It barely keeps up with it.

In my fridge I have the foods that can help me eat more healthfully. It's just a matter of actually eating them. It's a matter of throwing out the junkfood I have in the house right now and pouring out the soda (which I've already done - at least two bottles. have one to go.) It's a matter of NOT buying the junkfood to bring into the house.

It's also a matter of changing habits and mindset. Like I was telling my bf recently .. on my way to go see him (a 16 hr one way drive ...) I stopped at Walmart to pick up a couple things. Without even thinking about what I was doing, I had picked up a box of Little Debbie's to take on the road. That was along with the mini-blizzard I got from my favorite ice cream joint - DQ. I was staying at a hotel that night, and felt sick after eating the blizzard. The next morning I left the box of Little Debbie's in the dresser.

That was kind of a victory, but then again while I was visiting my bf I kept buying candy bars that I hid in my purse to eat when he wasn't around ... and having so many fast food places so convenient (where I live, I'm 30+ miles from any fast food place) I went way overboard .. and hid the evidence as much as possible. One night he came back unexpectedly from work, and I was sitting on the couch after having just gotten back from a 4 mile walk in the local park and stopping at the store ... there next to me on the couch was a box of french chocolate mints. I was SO embarrassed.

I want desperately to stop doing this to myself. I'm not hurting anyone but myself when I binge on junk like this. When I do this kind of thing, I'm only defeating myself and making all the exercise I do manage to do pointless. So I see the numbers not going down, or worse going up, and I don't want to exercise.

I have someone in my life right now who loves me just as I am. He knows my flaws and my weaknesses and still thinks I'm attractive and awesome. Now I just need to get myself to believe it for myself.

Both my bf and I really want to have a child. My weight and our ages are big factors against that ever happening. If this is something I want enough, then it is time for me to get over myself and stop doing things that only defeat what I want - that only sabotage my dreams.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thanks Ooola. I think I recognize you from the No-s forums. I have a fairly long journal thread there, though haven't updated it in a couple years or so I think. Reinhardt definitely has the right idea and when I was following it, it worked okay for me. Once I got off the path though for a long period, I just haven't been able to get myself back on it. (My name over there is different. I changed my username on SP because I'd without thinking it through put my username in another blog I keep to refer people here .. and realized too late that it made it too easy for my other blog to NOT be as anonymous as I'd like.)
    1686 days ago
  • OOLALA53
    Actually, your walking is doing you a lot of good even if you aren't losing weight. Heavy people who exercise regularly have better health prospects than thin people who don't.

    However, you really owe it to yourself to find a way to commit to moderate eating. It doesn't have to happen all at once. In fact, statistically, it doesn't happen that way, so you might as well plan for weaning yourself off rather than trying to change everything at once.

    I was a big binger. I actually ate pretty good meals, but I also ate tons of candy, cookies, cookie dough, frosting, etc. I read diet books and munched on brownie batter! I wondered if I could ever live without overeating them, but I started using the No S Diet over three years ago and have changed my habits. I still binged the first two years but so much less than before that it was a huge improvment and things have gotten better and better. I accepted that it was a long term process and that helped me keep going even through some tough times. I realized after a time that it was a really good mix for someone with an eating disorder. It provides structure most days of the week and a chance to learn free choice on other days.

    Even if you don't use it, I want you to know that you can reduce your overeating considerably. Sometimes we make it much worse by wanting to be too good too soon. Don't try to go on some strict diet. If you decide to count calories, give yourself at least a few days a week of generous limits. Try not to be concerned with losing weight but with learning to eat LESS junky processed foods and more fresh, wholesome food OVER TIME. And to do more eating of complete meals and less snacking and random eating. You will feel so much better, but it takes a long time to get good at it. You said yourself you don't have as much time left. Start now on better eating!
    1686 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/5/2013 8:23:28 PM
  • SMILES4383
    YOU CAN DO THIS.......

    1694 days ago
    emoticon My heart is going out to you. I can relate to much of what you said. I see that like me, you're both a member of the Eat to Live team and Living Binge free. I'm doing my best to find my own combination of 'guidelines' that will help me deal better with food. I'll add you as a friend and will be following your blogs.

    1697 days ago
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