Thursday, July 25, 2013
Tonight I am having a rough night. Tomorrow I am getting a book that is the crux of the teachings of the cult I was raised in. There are so many different, minute teachings that I cannot remember them all. I will be going through the 3" book and looking up every Scripture to see if the teachings are actually Biblical or not. It may take me a while to do this, but I have to. However, as I am anticipating this, I have been having some dangerous thoughts. My thoughts have included thoughts that life is not worth fighting for and that I should just give in and cut again. I haven't cut in about 10 months.
Part of my frustration is that we have been trying to move for 2 years. In order for us to move to our desired location, I have to find a job. I have not been able to. Last year I did not get a single interview. This year I've had an interview, but did not get the job. I have an interview on Tuesday, but the more we look at the position, we are not sure if I should take the job if offered. There are a lot of questions I have about the position. The position is at an Educational Service Center, and I need to know how that is different than a public school setting, if I get STRS pension, and if I would still qualify for the federal program to forgive my student loans. And their website is not being very helpful in finding out this information. Also, there is the question of the payscale and the cost of insurance.
But, I have been spending the evening reflecting on the teachings that I was brought up with:
1. You must dress modestly because if a guy looks at you and has wrong thoughts then you have caused him to sin
2. Every thought must be confessed to your father before you can be forgiven
3. No music with a backbeat because it is the devil's beat
4. No TV
5. No dancing
6. Don't associate with others who believe differently than you do
7. Happiness is a sin because it's of the flesh whereas joy is holy because it's of the spirit
8. The only emotion you can express is joy and contentment
9. You must yield all your rights to God and not get angry when they are violated
10. Don't take up offenses for other people, even if they are unable to defend themselves
and the list goes on.
This agony would end if I would just cut, but then that would bring up some other problems. I know it is not the answer to what's going on. Then, I'm also afraid that I'm not strong enough to read this book right now. But, I have this drive to read it and will go crazy if i don't read it. It doesn't help that my parents still believe the teachings of the cult full force. I mean, one of the teachings is that you are to work in a manner to make your manager look good and assure him or her that the only reason you are there is to make them look successful. If you have that mentality, then you are going to be asking them about how to do everything. In fact, I do that. Sometimes I think I drive my supervisor nuts because I ask him specifically how he wants things done.
I want to go to bed, but i'm so pent up I can't sleep. Which has caused problems in the past. So, I'm not really sure what the point of this blog is or even what I'm trying to say. I just know that I'm really low and down right now.