Would I really want to know?
Thursday, July 25, 2013
I clearly see that the next few years are going to bring some major changes in my life. My youngest will hopefully be graduating high school in four years. His dad is talking about retiring in three years. Yeah, he is So funny, I’m going to do my best to convince him to stay another 5. He has 45 years service already, why not stick it out for 50? Besides, what the hay is he going to do if he retires? Probably the same thing he does now when he is home - Not Much. And then there is my daughter, son-in-law, and grandson in Kansas. My son-in-law is presently deployed to Africa and the deployment has been very difficult. They are handling the separation pretty well even though this is his first deployment. My daughter was previously married to another soldier (long story) so this is her third deployment. She is quite capable of taking care of herself and the household, and she has completely turned her life around this last year. If you had told me last August everything that has happened since then, I would never have believed it possible. She is back in school (she hated being in the classroom 7 years ago), she is working with children with Psychological problems as a Psychological Rehabilitation Provider (she worked with the same type of kids when she was in high school), she is hoping to start Nursing school in a few months (she has always wanted to be in the medical field). She has made a lot of great connections in Kansas - I call them her Angels. But, they don’t know how much longer they will be in Kansas, where they will PCS, and he is no longer sure he wants to make a career out of the military. Soooo....in a few years they may be moving back “home”. Which most likely means living here for awhile until they get on their feet. This was so not in my plans for My future. So many things completely out of my control are up in the air!
If I could see what the next few years will bring, would I really want to know?
Oh well, worrying solves nothing. Trying to live in the future solves nothing. The best I guess I can do is do my best today. I recently read the book The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, Don Miguel Ruiz. It has truly been a blessing to me the last few months. I am doing my best to get my daughter to read it!!! Such simple Agreements to live by - if we Choose to. When I get a little overwhelmed with trying to figure out what will unfold if this or that happens, I stop and remind myself of the four agreements. Then I just try and Let Go.
In the past food would have been my go to when I was angry, anxious, frustrated, frightened, hurt. And there are still times that I just Have to have that Chimichanga or Burger, but I am choosing to eat those things because I really do Crave it, not because I need it to push down my feelings. I am also finding that I am much quicker to remind myself of where I was seven years ago, even a year ago - before I go back for seconds. Do I really want to eat my way out of the emotion only to add yet more emotions of guilt, shame, and defeatism. The resounding answer to that question is No!!!
I have been going up and down about 4 pounds the last few weeks, and there was a point that I resolved myself to the fact that just because I had gotten below the 140 mark that I would probably never go below 130. “Getting to Goal happens to other people, not me.”
The Law of Attraction says that you get back what you put out there in the universe, and sure enough I touched the 140 mark again last week, Ugh. My choice I analyze what I had been doing the last week and fix things or I give up the dream of being at the weight that, I believe, will open other doors in my life. Well, this morning I was at 134! I have not seen that number in at least 20 years!!!
I am sure the scale will fluctuate again during the rest of this long overdue journey - but wearing the same size, maybe even a smaller size than my 27 year old daughter-in-law, or my 23 year-old daughter makes me snicker. I am So Going For It!!!
I don’t know what will happen in the future. I have very little control over anyone or anything beyond myself. I am Libra - do you know how difficult it is for me to Not have that control? I think that is why I am having such a difficult time some days convincing myself that I Will achieve more, I Will choose a path previously unchartered, and I Will at this late date in my life, I Will come out better for the Walk of Faith.
If I could see what the next few years will bring, would I really want to know? Would you?