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Pain and Joy!

Thursday, July 25, 2013

I am having another bout with a kidney stone. I have fought them for probably close to 20 years. I remember the first one I had, not knowing what I was dealing with and being in so much pain. After that, I always wanted to have some pain pills on hand at home in case I had another one. The pain with a kidney stone can be horrendous, worse than childbirth. I know that from experience. At least with childbirth there is an end in sight, and you are rewarded for your pain with a beautiful baby. With a kidney stone, you could be in pain for days. I've had the surgery a couple of times, where they blast the stone with ultrasound waves, lithotripsy, I believe it's called. I really would like to avoid surgery if at all possible, so I'm hoping I can pass this one soon. I have a doctor appointment tomorrow, that is as soon as they could get me in, so until then I'm on aspirin. Right now I feel as well as I have since last night when I woke up in pain. I've been fighting this latest stone off and on since our trip last weekend. I felt it coming on in the car on the way to Kansas City, but managed to keep the pain under control with aspirin, and the pain comes and goes, as the stone tries to pass, and then goes back into the kidney. What a PAIN, literally!

Du has asked me to try and remain happy through his cancer journey. I'm doing my best. But when I think about getting old and sick, as all of us will more than likely do as we age, and being alone, it really makes me sad. I am honored and privileged to take care of Du. For now, taking care of him doesn't involve much. Only making sure his pills are stocked, along with the supplements he takes, preparing his Pomegranate juice with the Mannose powder he takes three times a day, trying to avoid the foods he should no longer eat when I cook, and making sure he gets to the doctor when he should. He is so self-sufficient, taking care of his catheter and everything else he needs by himself. But I know the time will come when he will no longer be abler to be so self-sufficient. It will require me to do more, sleep less and work harder. I am up for that I hope. Every week I look forward to the weekend, when he is home with me. But every week that passes, I also know is another week closer to where we are ultimately headed and that makes it hard to look forward to those weekends. I want to make sure and treasure every single day, even the weekdays, when I only see him in the mornings and evenings. Last night we went for a walk in this beautiful mid-summer break from the heat we are getting here in Nebraska. I love our walks together. I love spending time with him. I dread the day when all I have are memories. But I am determined to make the most of THIS day and EVERY day, so that all the memories I have are good ones.

But when I think of being all alone afterwards, it scares me so much. Sure I have my boys, but they have their own families and interests and lives. An old, frail mom will not be their priority, as it would be for Du if he was healthy. He has been my rock, and I hope I have been his for all these years. To be separated from him will be the most painful thing I will ever have to endure. I try not to dwell on thoughts like these, but it's hard not to. And that kind of pain, I'm sure will be much worse than this physical pain I'm experiencing today.

On a more JOYFUL looks like all systems are a "GO" with regards to my middle son and his wife adopting the beautiful Mia. This little doll, who will be 4 next month, will soon be a permanent member of our family and I am so happy for my son and his wife, as well as for all of us! They are going to be hosting an "Adoption/Birthday" party next month, using our house, since his is small. The adoption hearing falls ONE day before her birthday, so the next day will be all the more perfect--celebrating Mia's fourth birthday as well as her legally becoming a "Holmes!"

Isn't she gorgeous????
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