Thursday, July 25, 2013
So, I'm powering through a 90 day program. (more of my journey is on fb.com/coachwhitehouse). There was that little part of me last night that was saying.."ugh..I miss the days when I was lazy instead of working out every night..." and I got to thinking about WHY am I doing this? Why am I mentally pushing myself harder than ever before? What is making me get through sweaty, high intensity workouts day after day? What is making me get farther than I ever have in any program I've tried before?
I'm taking a moment to articulate WHY. I'm 36 years old and a new mom. I've been overweight for as long as I can remember and it became an "issue" for me around age 11. That is when I start being self-conscious and pretty much beating myself up on a regular basis, then binge eating to feel better. I got good at hiding snacks..Cheetos under my bed, eating full meals after school BEFORE my mom was home and made dinner (I always did my dishes and covered my tracks). I was living in a house where I was told "we can't buy ice cream or have treats because you'll eat them all." I was made to feel ashamed and as though there was something wrong with me that wasn't wrong with my mom or sister. They both have never dealt with a weight problem.
I continued to try things all through my teens..workout videos, eating programs, Slim-Fast..and through it all was the voice in my head saying, "If you could just be fixed and normal, you wouldn't be like this.." so I was searching for that magical product that would fix me.
My 20s came and I joined Weight Watchers. I had some success and lost 24 pounds before my wedding..and gained it all back. I've now been over 200 lbs. for close to 10 years. I've done a lot..a LOT of work to heal past wounds and grow emotionally and I'm in a better place. I haven't been a binge eater for almost 1 1/2 years. What has changed? Getting in touch with my emotions, healing things, getting to know myself and reading many different books and going to counseling. Learning that the food won't heal anything and learning how to sit and be with how I'm feeling rather than eating it away.
Then my son came last November. I knew that I didn't want to be the same person I've been for him. I knew I didn't want to be a repeat of my own emotionally-detached mom. I wanted to be vibrant, alive, happy, and energetic for him. I was at my highest weight after he was born..about 235. Some of it came off naturally, but I got stuck at 220. Then, I was introduced to a home workout program that I love and I started eating really cleanly..no fast food or processed stuff..or mostly none. I am not counting calories or logging my food..mainly because of lack of time, but because I'm learning to regard food as fuel and eat mindfully. I end up getting distracted from that when I log everything and start looking at numbers. Basically I eat when I'm hungry and I think carefully about what my body wants. I've naturally turned to really healthy foods and recipes and my sugar cravings are reduced. My workout program is 90 days and it's all laid out for me, so I'm taking that one day at a time and momentum has been building to where I don't want to miss my workout! But I have a long way to go and learning to care about myself more is a journey that I'm at the beginning of..I've never had much self-esteem. But I'm determined to grow it.
I am a work in progress, but becoming a better mom for my son and learning to love myself and celebrate myself is where I am at. That is WHY I do this each day..why I get my workouts done, why I spend time planning great food for my family, and why I work on healing the inside. It's for him. And me.