It's a long story
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
I apologize in advance for how long this is going to be. I have not blogged in quite some time. This is going to be more of a I need to get my feelings out type of deal.
I don't really know where to begin. My diet and exercise has been going decent. I can't seem to get both on track during the same week. One week I will kill it with my work outs but will eat horribly. The next week I can do an ok job of watching what I eat but don't work out. But if I am being honest here, and what's the point if I am not honest, I have not really been on track with my eating. Not for a while anyways. I have been tracking on myfitness pal but there have been several days where I have not been completely honest on my tracker. Probably more days have been like that than not. Not that I am going extreme and eating all sorts of crap and not posting it. It will be like one bite here, one handful here. And I know that every one of those bites or handfuls add up, quick. So why am I surprised the scale isn't moving on weeks suck as those? I will get on the scale and actually get mad when there isn't a loss. But why would there be!?! This morning when I got on the scale I was upset. a 2 lb gain... My first reaction was WHAT THE HECK? I worked out at the gym and attended water aerobics yesterday. I tracked my food why did I gain 2 lbs?! Then it hit me. Before I went to bed last night I got this urge of needing to eat. And so I ate. And I thought well these things are all on my diet so it won't hurt too bad. And I didn't track any of them. And of course this binge was literally right before I went to bed. So that is when I decided I have to get my eating habits under control NOW. This morning when I got to work I pulled up myfitness pal and figured out all of my food for the day. I tracked it and told myself if it's not on my tracker I am not allowed to eat it. Now I did have plenty of left over calories once I had my meals planned so there is room for a snack tonight after Zumba. But that will be one snack only and it will be tracked.
After only doing one work out last week, Zumba, I had to make myself get back at the gym before it became a habit. I went on Monday after work. I planned on doing week 4 of C25K... I have done horrible at training for it. I got on the treadmill and I quickly realized that it just wasn't going to happen. My feet were killing me and I couldn't breathe. I ended up walking most of it. I also did some other cardio for a total of 50 mins. When I walked out of the gym I felt defeated. I felt like the 5k wasn't going to possibly happen anytime this year and that made me want to cry. I sent my brother Tony a text saying I didn't think it was going to happen. Before he responded, I had made it home and said something to my mom about it. Her response was well maybe you should give up. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Here I was, upset and feeling defeated. I have worked harder than ever for this, and you suggest me quitting. I looked at her and said I can't just give up. She went on and on about not everyone can run and you shouldn't be running. (This isn't the first time she has said something about how I shouldn't even try to run.) A lot of negative feelings and memories came rushing over me in that moment. I know I can't blame someone else for who I am or what I have done with my life. But I can blame someone on my past and what happened in my childhood. Please don't get me wrong, I love my parents and I had a decent childhood other than certain things. But the way they think and how closed minded they are drives me crazy. I pray to God I am not like that as I get older. (If you remember, my dad was the one who laughed at me when I told him I was training for a 5 k) Looking back, I never really felt that I had their support on anything. They always have something negative to say about everything. Just as I was about to tell her she needs to stop it with the negativity, I got a response from my brother. This ladies and gentlemen is the reason I sent the message to Tony to begin with. "Oh.. Did you have a foot amputated or something? Because the last time I checked we have 4 months left to train, and I Know you are not a quitter, And even if you don't run the whole thing, I know you can do at LEAST 1/2 of it running". He is such a supportive person. So I will keep pushing and see what happens.
I am still struggling on a daily basis with finding happiness. I think the most frustrating part of it all is that I can't even say what it is that brings me down. Of course sometimes there is something specific that will make me upset but several days the past few weeks I will just get sad and cry. I guess I just feel like something is missing, but I can't figure out what it is. As hard as it is to admit this, there are still times I wonder what kind of difference there would be if I were gone. Just typing that brought tears to my eyes and made me feel guilty. Even though I do feel that taking one’s own life is extremely selfish, how do you get rid of those feelings. **I have never thought about actually doing anything to harm myself** I am hoping once I start seeing bigger results with my weight loss I will find who I am meant to be, and will no longer wonder about such dreary things.
One of the biggest issues I have with being at this weight is sweating. I sweat doing just about anything and I am so embarrassed by it. This past weekend I went to one of my friend's bridal shower. The shower was for Anna, who is two of my best friends Lisa and Michelle, sister. The night before I went shopping with Lisa and Michelle to get everything that they needed. We were at the store for a long time and I had a really good time shopping with them. I woke up the next morning feeling confident and so happy to go to the shower. I got there a little early to help Michelle with the food. She asked me to cut up the veggies. Once I got started I got really hot. It was warm in the house to begin with but it got crowded quick and since it started raining they had to turn on the oven instead of using the grill. So I started sweating and got really uncomfortable. Also, all of the girls that came wore dresses. They were all going out for the bachelorette party so they wore dressed for that. Pretty much all of the girls there were tiny and really pretty. I felt so uncomfortable. While everyone was just sitting together chit chatting I had a seat and kind of took it all in. These girls were all going out later and were going to have so much fun. The only reason I didn't go was because I am fat... I have become so uncomfortable in my own skin that I don't let myself enjoy anything in life. I get sweaty and too embarrassed to go do anything. I can't remember the last time I went out to hang out with my friends. I have become the queen of excuses. I hope once I start losing a little more weight the sweating will get under control and I can put myself out there more. It's a lonely life spending most of the time alone.
I went to dinner with a great friend of mine, Katie. Katie and her husband Pete are such wonderful and supportive people. While at dinner she brought up her struggle with negative self-talk. We both have a lot in common when it comes to that. During lent one year she wasn't allowed to have any sort of negative self-talk. She said it was a huge eye opener because she didn't realize how often she put herself down. Pete would catch her and make her rethink it. So I thought about doing something where if I catch myself putting myself down I have to take it back AND come up with a positive comment about myself. I was surprised at hard that is. I haven't really been successful with it yet but I am going to keep trying and see if it helps.
So the rest of this week my mantra is going to be to just suck it up and do it. There is not going to be any excuse keeping me from working out or eating healthy. I am only about 10 lbs away from my -50lb mark, which means I will get my first tattoo! I know I have a long road ahead of me, but no one else but me can control me. I am my own destiny. I got this!