Negative blog, full of darker truths. This is not a cry for help or request for assistance or advice, but simply me, venting. Please do continue on to avoid the negativity.
Yesterday, while functioning on approx. 4-5 hours of sleep due to restlessness, tossing and turning, went like this:
Right out the gate, 4:15 am, I spilled a bowl of birdseed all over the living room floor. Wonderful start.
Cut off by someone on the drive in to work.
Yappy coworkers nattering on and on and on and on. And on. And ON.
Not enough breakfast.
Too much crap for lunch.
Resignation post composed and apologies message to Gaye written in my head as I decided I'd had enough of Spark.
Tired of 'leading' a team of close to 17,000 people with less than a dozen actual participants. Less than half a dozen is probably more accurate.
"F*ck it, I should get one of those big-*ss cookies downstairs, my *ss is spreading every day I might as well enjoy it."
Text message to Bill - fighting the urge for a giant cookie and contemplating giving in and getting fatter and unhealthier again.
Text message from Bill - no cookie, you're going to bed by 8 tonight.
Resist the cookie, have a pear instead.
Horrible traffic on the way to visit kennel kids.
Work with my pal Rusty and he's improving his walking and not bark-screaming at everyone quite so much.
Traffic home wasn't too bad.
My own kids don't bark or yell at me when I get home. That's very nice.
Bill has a yummy dinner ready to go when I get there.
Feed the kids, have dinner, watch the news, play a bit of a video game, eat two bags of microwave popcorn, and go to bed by 8:45.
Today, after closer to 7 hours sleep:
I can breathe again, and I don't feel quite so dire.
Traffic wasn't bad this morning.
Good breakfast, yummy lunch - no crap.
I don't want to throttle any coworkers (yet.. there's still time).
I'm going to send a team email to see if there's anyone out of nearly 17,000 people who wants to help lead the team. I've tried for a year.. or has it been two now? with little results. I can usually enjoy and subsist on the little, the small victories, but now I'm tired and worn down by feeling so lonely in the effort. When it stops being fun, it's time to do something else.
I'm not ready to throw in the 'fatter and unhealthier' towel quite yet. July is always an awful month for me. I'd hoped my Summer Mileage Challenge would help me work my way through it without stalling, but that too has fallen by the wayside.
I feel like a hypocrite being here. I like reading how many of you are doing and your efforts and successes and struggles and all of it. I feel like a fraud leading teams when I'm unable to be successful myself. I'm no good example for anyone - more like a dire warning.
Before Spark, I thought about losing weight but never really tried in earnest.
After Spark, I learned and gained knowledge, and lost weight.
And then I hit a bump (if only I could define that bump.. know what it is so I could get around and over it once and for all) and have regained not all, thank goodness, but some of the weight lost.
The problem with that is before, I didn't know better. Now that I do, I feel even more a failure because I was able to do it before, why can't I do it again now? What's the difference? What's wrong with me that I'm not able to do it again?
What is this apathy within me and how do I combat it and eventually win over it? My will to keep fighting is waning.
Enthusiastic fool has given way to negative cynic. Where oh where is that middle ground.
Maybe I need even more sleep than I thought.