Monday, July 22, 2013
I am an emotional eater. Big time. Right now, I am incredibly stressed out with finances and facing the fact that if I don't hear about gainful employment in the next few days, we will have to move out - and in with our respective parents as we can't live together with either of the parental folks. I hate it. It frustrates me. and... I want to eat. A lot.
I want to make no bake cookies and eat the lot of them. I want to bake a cake or just have something filled with tasty tasty calories that will add more weight to my already overwhelmed frame.
This is a horrid feeling - this internal war. The war of what I want - having something to eat that is not healthy versus life. I know that this is a battle for my life. I don't mean that just in the sense of being able to do things - like go camping and getting into and out of an air mattress, or having clothing that fits; I mean it in the sense of life - being alive. Living life. Not putting my family or friends through the pain that my premature death would cause. That is what I am fighting this war for.
I have to keep telling myself that. Life is better than no bake cookies.
It sure is better than looking at the numbers on the scale... which I looked at for the first time in quite awhile. It was a shock. It was horrible. It was another wake up call.
No wonder I feel like I am lumbering. Like I should have a crane to get out of a chair. I am carrying approximately 292 lbs of extra weight on my 5'2" frame. No wonder I feel horrible so much.
The worst part - I did this to myself. It may not have been conscious, but I did it. Now, I am making the conscious choice to change it.
Fat may have won the battles over the years, but by all the Gods - I will win the war.