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    BEEKAHBUG   26,621
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Monday, July 22, 2013

I don't know what to title this blog. I have been reading a lot about the cult that i grew up in. Today, in one of the Facebook groups I'm in, someone posted about how we were taught to believe/think that everything is black and white. It's either Godly or a sin. There is no in-between. This has led to an expectation that I must be perfect. For example, until this class I am currently taking, I have had a 4.0 gpa in my doctorate program. But, because I'm not getting an A in this class, I really have no motivation to work on my school work. We're far enough into the semester that I think it is impossible for me to get an A.

I haven't been seeing my therapist since the end of May because I really have been doing fairly well mentally. Although, I still have no motivation to do anything. It has really gotten bad this summer. I have been spending my days watching TV or playing video games and not doing the things I need to do. Today I made an appt with the therapist to go back, but I can't get in until August 7. But, he had told me to tell him when I needed to meet again because sometimes he knew of openings that the office staff don't know about.

I am really confused about a lot of things. Next week I will be ordering the Basic Seminar Textbook, which is the crux of the cult I was raised in. This way, I can look at their teachings and see how they are using Scripture to back up their teachings. I'm hoping that my confusion will leave once I've been able to do that.

I want to lose weight, but I know that I can't do it perfectly, so I don't even try. I'm not even sure where to begin. I have a gym membership, but I haven't really been going and using it. Each day I tell myself that I will go work out but, each day passes and I don't go. I just feel so trapped right now. It's kind of like I know I can't do it just right, so I don't even try. It's the same with housekeeping and everything else.

Member Comments About This Blog Post:
JASBUS88 1/10/2014 4:28AM

    Wow, this sounds just like me Last year. I was very depressed and I needed some one to tell me a hundred times what I needed to hear before I actually heard what was being said. I think I was trying to stay fat so know one would want me, and what I needed to hear, and heard a 100 times is, that by doing that I was only hurting myself and not hurting the person that hurt me. It took Medea to say it in a movie before I finally heard what I really needed to hear to help get rid of some off the depression. I do get depressed but not like before. Now it is because my daughter is growing so fast and I can't do anything with her, So I am doing my best to get a little more fit so I can do something with her before she gets to old to want to do something with me. I wish you the best of luck, and I know that you can do it , just have faith in yourself emoticon

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BEEKAHBUG 7/24/2013 2:29PM

    Thanks for your encouragement.

Andi-I live in Ohio, but thanks for the offer of contacting you!

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ANDI_3K 7/23/2013 7:15PM

    Will be praying for you and if you are in the Buffalo, NY area, please contact me and we can work out together.
You can do this. And perfection is overrated. Seriously there lessons you will learn from not being perfect, are amazing and freeing.

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NILLAPEPSI 7/23/2013 11:41AM

    I will be praying for you!! emoticon

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PATSYB7 7/23/2013 7:29AM

    Put on your favorite music and just move! That can be very therapeutic. Good luck and keep Sparking!

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434TERESA 7/22/2013 7:21PM

    No one can do things perfectly. There is no such thing as perfectly really. What I think is perfectly may not be what you think is perfectly so in fact there is just do it and see what happens for 99% of life.

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LIVERGIVER 7/22/2013 6:38PM

    You might try starting out with just a walk for exercise. My experience has been that walking does a lot to lift mood and improve motivation for other things. Also, you don't have to do much prep - just put your shoes and socks on and go out the door.

One healthy move is likely to lead to another - no telling where you might end up!

I wish you all the best on your journey! emoticon

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