Monday, July 22, 2013
I don't know what to title this blog. I have been reading a lot about the cult that i grew up in. Today, in one of the Facebook groups I'm in, someone posted about how we were taught to believe/think that everything is black and white. It's either Godly or a sin. There is no in-between. This has led to an expectation that I must be perfect. For example, until this class I am currently taking, I have had a 4.0 gpa in my doctorate program. But, because I'm not getting an A in this class, I really have no motivation to work on my school work. We're far enough into the semester that I think it is impossible for me to get an A.
I haven't been seeing my therapist since the end of May because I really have been doing fairly well mentally. Although, I still have no motivation to do anything. It has really gotten bad this summer. I have been spending my days watching TV or playing video games and not doing the things I need to do. Today I made an appt with the therapist to go back, but I can't get in until August 7. But, he had told me to tell him when I needed to meet again because sometimes he knew of openings that the office staff don't know about.
I am really confused about a lot of things. Next week I will be ordering the Basic Seminar Textbook, which is the crux of the cult I was raised in. This way, I can look at their teachings and see how they are using Scripture to back up their teachings. I'm hoping that my confusion will leave once I've been able to do that.
I want to lose weight, but I know that I can't do it perfectly, so I don't even try. I'm not even sure where to begin. I have a gym membership, but I haven't really been going and using it. Each day I tell myself that I will go work out but, each day passes and I don't go. I just feel so trapped right now. It's kind of like I know I can't do it just right, so I don't even try. It's the same with housekeeping and everything else.