Monday, July 22, 2013
A new thought hit me this morning, after yet another binge last night.
I was keeping the house free of binge foods, which means sugary foods. I realize carbs have sugar in them, but I don't keep the house free of good carbs. I'd had 200 calories under my calorie range after supper. Then hubby suggested we have popcorn. I said yes, mainly because it was something he suggested we have together. I felt inclined to take him up on his offer, since we eat different things for our meal, even though we eat at the same time. I just thought of this as a bonding time. Silly me. I thought, I'll only have one cup. I ate half the bag. Then he left the living room and kitchen. I didn't leave the kitchen. I scrounged around for anything to eat. I ate a couple bowls of cereal, that didn't even taste good to me. I ate some crackers. I made myself stop at that.
My revelation came this morning. I've always said sweets are my binge food. Now I see that anything can be my binge food. Maybe the popcorn triggered it. The thing that seemed to trigger it was when I went to record the amount of calories I had in the popcorn, it was way higher than I predicted--it was the movie style butter popcorn. Why do I even have that in the house instead of the kind that is light, or no butter? I got this on sale, that's why. It wasn't worth it. For years we didn't even keep popcorn on hand.
I learned that anything can be my binge food. It's the act of binge eating that I have to come to terms with.
I have read in the Bible that we should not love the world or anything of the world. Paul said he had a thorn in his flesh; this feels to me like a thorn in my flesh. The Bible, specifically Jesus, says we are to live by the bread of life alone, referring to the Word of God, the Bible. I have been picking up and reading my Bible more and keeping in mind these thoughts. It has helped me to have peace, knowing that God knows I need to eat, but not have a love affair with food. And that he understands my weaknesses of my mind, binge mentality. I have the best help around, in His word and love and compassion. And also the support I get from SparkPeople friends.
I am still in the process of dealing with binges. But I am not so stressed out about it. I see the stress I've been under. It is a major factor in my binges, to eat out of emotion. I have gradually been letting my hobbies slide. I haven't knitted in many weeks, I haven't worked on my art journal for a couple weeks, and I have slacked off on working out for almost a week now. I don't even feel motivated today. Getting back into these things may help, but I think contemplating my emotions behind binges is key. The art journaling can help me sort out feelings. I think I should start there.
Thank you all for listening! Your kindness means so much to me!