Sunday, July 21, 2013
I have to say that I am glad that I got back into blogging and that I am working harder to go beyond the surface with my weight-loss journey. In addition to the much-appreciated support, there have also been some comments that have given me reason to pause and consider how they relate to me.
In my last post, both DAUGHTEROFTWIN and HEYITSLISA mentioned worthiness, as in me believing that I am worth the time and effort that it will take to lose weight. In reading their comments, I became emotional; those feelings showed me what a stumbling block this issue is for me.
In a very direct way, this ties to how I have led my life putting everyone and everything before me. If I could help another person, that would make me worth more. Problem is, I could never do enough. Plus, if I were to spend time focusing on me, I would be taking away from helping others, which then makes me feel worth less and guilty!
Cognitively, I know how messed up this is. I used to work at a nonprofit that provided resources for individuals who cared for their loved ones, and we regularly counseled them to take time for themselves so they would avoid “compassion fatigue.” This is a very similar situation here. To be able to serve others to the best of my ability, I need to serve myself, too. It just makes sense. Unfortunately, reason goes out the window when the guilt sets in.
Saying “no” when someone asks for my help is a very difficult thing for me, even if saying “yes” will leave me exhausted. And the message I am reinforcing every time I do this is that the person requesting something of me is worth more than I am, that I don’t deserve to spend time doing things to rejuvenate my body and soul.
This cycle has to stop, not only for me, but for my kids. With the fact that they pick up on everything, I don’t want them internalizing this and making the same mistakes I have. They are worth infinitely more than that. And, yes, so am I.