Day 7.21 Ventilation
Sunday, July 21, 2013
....because we all need to air out a little sometimes...
There has to be more to life that this, dear husband. This...sitting and clicking and playing and clicking and playing. When you're on your deathbed--is that what you want to look back and be proud of? That you spent so much of your life killing soooo many bad guys.....on a video game? Is that it? It the hit...the high you get from achieving that....so blinding that you can't see you achieve NOTHING ELSE. NOTHING. It's a copout, an easy way to float through existing without having to deal with the realities of existing.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised, I suppose. You were a drug addict in your youth. This is...an extension of that. All nice and legal and stuff, but still has the same effect. You can escape from reality, and live in your little fantasy world, where all your focus goes into beating some game. And hey, when you do beat it, don't you feel great? Look at what you accomplished! Except....you didn't accomplish anything. Anything that matters. What you accomplished was successfully escaping and living in your happy bubble. Again. For the 1,032 weekend in a row now.
I don't know. I look at this and I want to scream. I look at myself, and see the same tendencies, and get even angrier because at least I'm TRYING to get out of it. I shudder at the idea of the rest of my life being nothing more than this. I think about going back to school--for no other reason that to feel like I'm doing something to LIVE in my life. Which is probably a pretty lame reason to go back to school and incur all that debt lol.
I can't decide....if the reason it chafes me so much....is because it's a reflection of the part of me that I dislike most....or if it's a deep-seated fear that, in order for me to evolve and more forward, I may have to leave him behind. I....that's the last thing I want. But how do I reconcile how I want to live my life with how he lives his? Can I do that? I fear that this is the kind of thing that leads to marriage breakdowns...having 2 people living such completely different lives. I keep hesitating in my quest to move forward because I just don't want to even open the door to start down that road. Except I think I already have.....
He seems to have a bit of insecurity/jealousy regarding my trainer. I found it silly, since there is zero chance of any kind of infidelity on my part (or my trainer! He's a really devoted family guy)...but I began to realize that it's probably not so much about that..me cheating or finding someone more physically appealing... it's more about finding a LIFEstyle that excites me and interests me that he has nothing to do with. The trainer kind of represents that in a personified form. I've invited him to my gym, but he's clearly uncomfortable and self-conscious about it--which is fine! He doesn't have to like exactly what I like. But.....why can't he just like....something? Anything?
Gawd I am so tired of being the one to make all the decisions. Just...be a man and figure out what you want to do YOURSELF. It's okay, really. I'll actually respect you as a person more if you can do things independently of me.