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    KT-NICHOLS-13   43,017
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The Truth Is ...

Friday, July 19, 2013

The truth is ... I'm a little bit scared. A little bit angry. A little bit bitter. A little bit tired.

A person in my life yesterday asked me what keeps me going? Why do I push so hard when things seem so stacked against me. I responded with ... because I don't know any other way.

Honestly, A little piece of me died yesterday when I weighed in and the scale announced 204. The number isn't real and I know that but fighting so hard for so long only to see the same number over and over again is bound to take its toll. Yesterday I felt deflated. The truth is I don't know how to not fight ... how to stop and put it all down and walk away. So, I keep fighting and pushing back.

The thyroid medicine makes me sick and my train ride into work is horrifying. The other day I HAD to get off one train before I passed out. I am sure the woman next to me thought I was having a panic attack. I went in for more blood work so the doctor can adjust the dosage. Now I wait.

Today I cried when this was posted on one of my news feeds ...



Self reflection is in progress.

The Truth Is ... I'm Beautiful - Sexy - Curvy - Ambitious - Determined - Loved - a Fighter - Driven - and so much more.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ENDUROVET 7/26/2013 3:31PM

    I know it is tremendously helpful to me when I can log onto SP & read that there are others struggling along just as I am...
I can relate - I seem determined to keep myself anchored to that 205 - 210 "stairstep"! (breaking my journey down into 5-lb segments so the whole thing doesn't seem so overwhelming)
Getting ready to post about my latest boneheaded act of self-sabotage, but adding some helpful links which give me a little more impetus to try to stay in ketosis, even though for me the state of ketosis seems to equal miserable constipation... Go figure!

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TRENTDREAMER 7/24/2013 9:36AM

    Sorry to hear about the weigh-in and the medicine.

The difference between constructively-critical self-talk and beating oneself up (bullying) comes down to (1) what one knows about what they're dealing with and (2) how they use that.

For me I used to feel a lot of guilt about my weight bc I thought that I should just be able to eat less and exercise more (0-60). When I realized that I had a sugar addiction, I could address it as such and find an answer. The guilt went away, even if the frustration didn't always.

Last week, I made some really poor choices that I really did have control over (I'm proving that through this week's choices).

Even the loudest coaches and drill sergeants won't push someone if they don't think the player/cadet is capable of more and can help them get there.

Not sure if that pertains to you or not. This has been on my mind a lot lately

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1DERLAND14 7/23/2013 8:52PM

    The pictures made me tear up too. I know how it feels to be in your shoes. When I look at you and see all you have accomplished and how beautiful you are. Sometimes we are the hardest on ourselves!! Keep your head up dear! You can do this!

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EG8383 7/23/2013 9:31AM

  KT you are one of the friends on here whom I know I can come browse your page and I will instantly feel encouraged to keep pushing on the days I feel bummed, like this is pointless, or at a loss. I know how frustrating it must be to keep seeing 204 on the damn scale...BUT remember how far you have come already and how long you've been fighting for! You know that it will give in one day. You are beautiful, sexy, curvy,a fighter and so much more!! Sometimes we need to shed a few tears to help us get back up and fighter harder! You're amazing my friend and you just need to smile, be happy with yourself and continue to love yourself and fighting =) Hugs!!

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MANLEYSANDY 7/20/2013 12:20PM

    My heart aches for you...you are all of those amazing thing you wrote above and more! I know it is easier said the done but don't let that number define you!!

Keep working with your doctor, you will find the right balance!!

emoticon

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COBRANBAYAREA 7/19/2013 8:28PM

    I feel that way a lot too. Thank you for sharing that picture. I am the biggest bully to myself. I just never saw it that way. It makes me rethink my thoughts and what I am saying to myself to make me do the right thing. Thank you for sharing.

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MEESH_NAKVEE 7/19/2013 8:06PM

    I know how feeling 'deflated' feels after trying so hard and not seeing results. Having thyroid issues can really mess you up... sometimes the medications can really screw up your weight loss goals. My sister has thyroid problems and she is overweight. She eats healthy and does everything right, but it is SO hard for her to lose weight. I believe you can pull through this. It may be harder for you than most people because of this. I have similar issues (PCOS) and its veryyyyy hard for me to lose. I see people on IP that lose a LOT of weight quickly... and i get jealous. I mean I'm very happy for them n all, but I want it too!! So, I just learn to tell myself, my body is trying its best. everyone is different. and you just have to keep on going. and i believe you can do this. so be nice to yourself. (btw that picture made me cry too)... don't bully yourself... you are beautiful. :)

hugs.

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UMBILICAL 7/19/2013 7:57PM

  Apologize to you. Love is the answer.

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LANAHAUTH21 7/19/2013 7:57PM

  Hoping for a better day for you tomorrow. Hang in there.

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