Friday, July 19, 2013
Acceptance of the way things actually are is the first step toward change according to many philosophers. So, I need to look at the situation I'm in at the current moment.
I didn't have a difficult night. I had less pain yesterday and I managed to fall sleep. I was still awake at 4:30 am, but I nodded off some time after that and slept until 9:30 am. So that was a good four to five hours on the couch. I did wake up with some pain due to my slumping posture on the couch. Then, I moved back to the bed and slept until 12:30 pm. I woke with a cough, so I have to assume I had apnea episodes during the night. But I am better rested than usual.
However, it is now 2:30 and I haven't eaten anything. I can't muster up the motivation/energy to get up from this chair. Worse, my sister is waiting for me to pick her up (her car is broken down) so I won't have time to fix my oatbran breakfast. Well, I might have decided not to do this post...but...I would have needed to go into the kitchen and lift pots and measure out ingredients. No energy for that. So, I am doing this as a stab at being motivated.
Probably I will pick up something like a dunkin' donuts biscuit sandwich as I head to my sister. And I will need a cream and sugar laced coffee to wake myself up enough to drive. Later I will have a sensible dinner, salmon and broccoli. It is easier to cook once I've moved around a bit. But I might also have something sweet to fend off exhaustion, again. Probably a very large bakery brownie. That will lead to reflux, which will effect my sleep.
I might nod off around 10:30 pm, but I will fend off sleep because my beloved won't be home until 12:30 am and I want to be there for him. He might not care if I go to sleep, because he understands my struggles. But this is the only time we get to share, because he is very regulated on his time when he wakes up at 1:00 pm. So, we do not generally have couple time except after his work. I should go to sleep by 2:30 am if I mean to get up by 10:00...and eat and exercise. But to do that, I have to eat foods that encourage sleep.
I wonder where to start on this journey to becoming a person who sleeps, eats, exercises, has more energy and enthusiasm to just live. Assuming I am never going to have less pain or be less exhausted, I still must motivate myself to eat properly and rest more.
While writing this all out is very embarrassing, I can already see some things I might try to change my patterns. I could eat my oatbran at night, which would help me avoid eating chocolate. I could take a nap at 10:30 pm. and then get up like they used to do in the middle ages to socialize. I could try to exercise in the morning before I try to cook, as that will help my stiffness. I could try only having toast or a smoothie for breakfast, so I didn't have to cook. Or maybe a protein bar and coffee. I could make very good coffee at home to avoid going to the bakery. Currently, I only have instant coffee at home. But a coffee machine is probably less expensive and might help stimulate me in the morning.