Friday, July 19, 2013
As I've been working on getting through my book, I've been doing nothing in regards to eating/exercising. But at least I've done that intentionally. I've wanted to completely separate everything out. I wanted to really break myself down mentally without covering it all up with the food and exercise.
Look, I'm damn good at lying to myself. I've done it for years. I did it the last time I went through this journey. What I haven't done is called myself on my BS while still telling myself affirmations. I always thought affirmations were for hippy yoga chicks with 10% body fat and never a care or concern about weight because all they eat is berries, nuts and granola. Truth is, it's just not how I was raised. We didn't tell each other what we liked about each other, we were told what was wrong and what we needed to fix. Sure, we got a "good job" when we did something well, but we were always given criticism with the praise. And I can't say that I'm all that unhappy about that because it's made me the woman I am today - the woman who constantly strives to be better and do better and learn more. What's wrong with that again? Oh, yeah....the fact that I won't give myself credit for anything.
So I stopped worrying about changing my habits right now until I can feel the change happening. And I know that doesn't make any sense...but lying to myself lately to get myself to do things? It hasn't been working. Instead I've been reminding myself how it FEELS to live a healthy life, eat healthy, fresh, raw foods, and feel the blood pumping through my body. I've been reminding myself of all the positive things I got from this journey the last time around. And I've been needing that because all I've been able to focus on for the past year has been the negative. It was time to let that goat out the gate and let the happy little lambs roam around reminding me of the true beauty of the situation.
And then today I ate an apple for a snack and a salad for lunch. And it felt right. That's not to say I'm not about to devour a bag of chips and whatever else I can find (in fact, I'm pretty sure these 2 cookies staring me down will be gone before I get my first comment here), but I didn't have to force those things, which let me simply enjoy the beauty of the taste of them. It wasn't a punishment. I didn't force it and it felt more like a reward...more like what I want my life/day to feel like on a regular basis. It's a step in the right direction, however small that step might be. It's a reminder of what I am capable of and where I might be able to take myself. When I'm ready.
I know this all sounds ridiculous because I certainly SEEMED ready before. But I was only ready until it got too hard...and then I wasn't up for it. This time I'm trying to build a me that can handle the unexpected and still live an amazing, healthy, active life. Because, in all honesty, I realize now that as much as I want a tiny belly that I'll never have, I want to be active and fit and healthy and confident again so much more. I'm trying to find things that will make me feel that way NOW, at this weight, whatever this weight is (because I still haven't dared to look yet). I want to set goals that make sense and build a life that fulfills all of me. I guess this time I really am thinking more about the journey and not the destination. I'll only get to the destination when I'm dead, and I'm in no rush to get there, so I might as well sit back and formulate a life I can be proud of right here and now.
This may also sound a bit weird, but the passing of little Talia Castellano (@taliajoy18 on YouTube) has really struck a nerve with me as well. Days before her passing, her sister was talking to her fans about all the stuff Talia had put on her bucket list...all the things she still had left to do. The sentiment, as Talia seemed to be improving was, "You can't go yet, little one...you still have so much left to experience!" And then, like a light being shut off one last time, Talia was gone. Since her passing, I've seen an outpouring of fans show their support by trying to accomplish Talia's bucket list for her...and all I can think is -- my bucket list is for ME! I want to do all of those things! Otherwise it doesn't count. And just yesterday I was reminded that Talia's overall message was to love yourself as you are, not as you want to be. Her favorite phrase was, "Makeup is my wig." She prettied up what she was given and moved forward without excuses or complaint. I need some of that "forget the world and love yourself" mentality right now...
I'm not sure any of this is making sense right now. And one of two cookies is already gone (but I'm putting away the second for now! YIKES! Too rich!), but I wanted to freethink my way through today, because I feel like I'm getting to the place I need to be. I'm not looking to be healed or cured or better, I'm just looking to let myself enjoy the best of what life has to offer and to have a crapton of fun along the way. Things haven't been great. I've hated my body the past few days just as much as ever - moreso because of some back pain yesterday that had me laid up on the couch all day - but I'm trying to keep moving forward. I want to allow myself to love myself and be fun and flirty and sassy again, so that's my only goal right now.