Personal: Disappointments ... and excuses.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Unless you want to hear me whine and complain, you might want to stop reading now.
Usually I'm a pretty positive person, but yesterday was just a downer. Apparently I don't handle stress well, although I think I did marginally better than I usually do.
So yesterday I return a call from the owner of the studio where I teach dance. I sublet space from him, and in the summer he usually hires me to teach at the two week intensive course. He didn't hire me this year, which should have made me wonder, but I was really too busy to do it anyway, so I didn't pay it much mind.
He informs me that because the new studio is costing so much more than he originally planned for (really? You had to rebuild the thing! And you didn't see that coming?) that he was going to have to renegotiate our lease, and he has now almost tripled my rent. I can't afford to pay that and he knows it. So his attitude was basically, "Well I need you to be out as soon as possible. Like today." There are two weeks left in this session, so I'm going to tell him I need those two weeks to make other arrangements. I sort of expected I would be "evicted" at some point, since he's made a big deal about how I'm more of a hassle to him than he expected (because I wanted to have class all year, and because I wanted to be IN my classroom at the time allotted, and not having to wait 15 minutes for another class to get out of there, etc.) So I should have seen the writing on the wall, but anyway I didn't, and it hit me like a smack in the face yesterday.
Here's why I'm upset:
1. Even though I'd never really been given any support or encouragement by him, he was one of my ballet teachers for years, and I thought he respected me enough to treat me better than that. So I feel hurt, like a friend just dissed me.
2. Now I have to have the stress all over again of finding a new place to teach. It's not easy, and I've been through it twice. It makes me cry. I don't handle stress well.
3. My classes were getting large enough and regular enough that I was considering adding another day to the schedule. It always seems like JUST when my little business starts to grow, something swoops down and cuts it back to the root. :(
4. I was actually planning to start taking ballet classes with him again. He now has the only real professional company in town, and I was almost sort of looking forward to class and doing Nutcracker. There are other adult and continuing ballet classes in town, but it's not the same as taking an actual company class.
But that's not all: As I was trying to figure out where I could teach, I called an old acquaintance who also teaches ballroom dance to see if I could sublet from his studio. (I had actually considered making one of my "treats" to myself a series of ballroom dance classes, and was getting excited about that.) Well, he's out of business now, so the only ballroom classes available are the ones that require a partner. That was a big disappointment for me that just set the stage for the rest of the day.
After I got off the phone, I was mad, and I went for my 3-mile walk (more like a 3-mile stomp because of how mad I was.) I walked around the lake a couple of times and felt marginally better (Sweat out your frustrations!) but I was still really depressed about the whole thing, and as a result, I didn't gather up the motivation to do my strength training or my yoga, or do anything dance-related, so my activity roster for yesterday is pretty much blank, other than teaching and the stomp/walk. So much for my streaks...
My heart wasn't into my classes last night, and it showed. I owe my students more than that. They did give me some ideas for where I could teach, and they made me feel better by telling me, "We can have class in our front yards!" At least it means they enjoy what they're doing and want to keep it up. Gotta love those ladies.
So I got depressed, then did nothing, then got mad at myself for doing nothing, and did nothing about it. Great plan, Amanda. Great plan.
The one thing I did learn from the experience is that I'm not a stress/emotional eater. My husband kept telling me all day "you need to eat" but I just didn't want to do anything other than sit in my chair and read a book. I didn't even play with my baby, since Grandma was there and he pretty much ignores me when she's around anyway. I didn't want it, but I ate a sandwich for lunch, and some of Darling Husband's "Mushroom Cabernet Stew" for dinner, with a small piece of the strawberry cake he made that was delicious. That took me almost up the midrange point of my calories for yesterday, so he was satisfied.
Today is Friday, and I have a lot of activity scheduled -- plus it's a running day so YAY!!! We have pizza tonight, we'll watch Project Runway, and I'll probably be able to finish the book I've been reading (The Shadowy Horses) tonight. I have a performance tomorrow, and it's my Dad's birthday, so we may end up eating lunch at the Mexican place he loves, and Sunday is my anniversary, so I'm going to try to put the unpleasantness out of my mind for a few days, anyway.
It just bothers me that I let stress get to me that way. Yes, I was disappointed -- but my disappointments are so MINOR compared to what other people have to go through on a daily basis. I need to put on the big girl panties and get over myself. And I need to STOP using disappointment as an excuse for not doing what I want, or what I planned to do!!!
I'm still depressed and mad and hurt about the studio situation. The emotions are valid and I have to respect myself enough to accept how I feel, no matter how trivial the reasons for it. But how I respond to those emotions determines how grown-up I actually am, and I need to be a grown-up now.