Friday, July 19, 2013
Thank you everyone who commented on my last blog. I will try to get around to you and give you either a "thank you" comment or Spark goodie of some sort.
Today I am going to blog about my trigger foods.
I turn to fast food (mainly McDonald's because they are everywhere) and sweets when I am stressed, worried or feeling anxiety. I also use the same food to reward myself or celebrate when I am feeling good. These are my drugs and I am definitely an addict.
I have psychological issues with not feeling as if I am good enough. There are way too many moments where a little voice creeps into my head and tells me that I am not smart enough, attractive enough, responsible enough, confident enough, or good enough for whatever the situation is. Then that little voice tells me that the people who matter (a boss, loved one, friend, someone I want to like me) will find out and I will be exposed.
I know where this comes from and it is purely psychological. I am smart, intelligent, kind, and good enough for everything. The only thing someone may "find out" is that I sometimes lack confidence in myself.
A little background on how this issue developed. It stems from my childhood (as most psychological issues people have do). When I was in elementary school and junior high, academically I tested average to just below average. I was also a slow learner. I don't think it was enough to qualify for resource, but I was your typical "bubble" kid. --Teacher friends, you know those kids, we have them every year. My mother wanted the "status" of having a kid in higher level classes (an umbrella term for this is "gifted"). She would pester and push teachers and administrators to allow me into "higher level" classes--mainly math.
They were always too hard for me. I was always lost and struggling. It doesn't take an expert to figure out what probably happened. My grades were horrible. I was always grounded because I was achieving such low grades. Instead of realizing that I was in classes that were too high for me (and how would I know at age 10?), I thought I was stupid. I always felt like I was never "good enough" and this was really bad for my self esteem. I continued to care less and less about school and got horrible grades all through high school. I barely graduated by the skin of my teeth (a D- in Humanities).
I held on to the belief that I wasn't very intelligent well into my 20's. I remember the exact moment when I realized that I might actually be bright after all. I was student teaching and the cooperating teacher made a comment. I don't remember the exact wording but she ended the sentence with, "You are really bright". She wasn't just politely blowing smoke up my butt either. Her comment was genuine.
During the past 7 years or so, I have done some self-analysis about my anxiety and confidence issues. Every so often my inner child tells me that I've fooled everyone into thinking that I am a bright, intelligent and confident woman--and it's just a matter of time until the truth is discovered. However, I now realize that I have been conditioned to think that way about myself due to my past and how I was treated.
My well intentioned Mother thought she was doing what was best for me (as all parents do), but actually managed to destroy my self esteem in the process.
I have grown to realize that what I believed about myself was a lie. I may learn a little slower than some other people, but I am an intelligent person. I am also good enough and deserve everything I want in life.
Back to my trigger food though. When that little inner child sneaks up and tells me that I am not good enough, smart enough, etc...when those old beliefs sneak back up to the surface, it makes me want to comfort myself with food. That food is usually McDonald's or sweets.