Living in Fear and Regret
Thursday, July 18, 2013
This whole weight issue has been weighing heavily on me lately. I try to force myself to accept this weight and just live with it, but I cannot run from the fact that I am truly unhappy with it. Most of my reasons for wanting to lose the weight is vanity related. However, it has become both a health concern and quality of life concern. I passed out at work and had a seizure a little over a month ago. Although they really couldn't explain how this problem started, I have to treat this issue with medicine on a long-term basis to reduce the risk of me having another one. This episode has me living in both fear and regret. I fear that I will not be around to take care of my daughter or somehow my illness will someday become a burden for her. I regret that I didn't lose the weight sooner so that I could enjoy the simple things in life with her. I am a big ball of emotion right now, but I want to change my outlook.
Whenever I start to think about my weight, I come back to SparkPeople. I sometimes come to look at the stories of those that are in the struggle, those that are coping, and those that have conquered. Today I decided to look at my recipe box. I remember making some of these, and they were terrific. I remember getting excited when browsing and saving recipes to try in the future. As I write this, I can even remember being strategic when eating out. Most of all, I remember being consistent for a while and losing 35lbs easily.
I want to get back to that place. I want to get back to eating healthier foods and exercising. I want to get back to taking care of me for real. I want to experience the joy of watching my clothes get to big. I want to see the changes to my body as a result of losing fat and gaining muscle. I want to be able to take Sincere (my daughter) to Six Flags and other amusement parks and ride with her. I want to be able to stroll on the beach and not feel as if the world is whispering about my weight and/or appearance. I want to change my life.
I realize that I am the only one that can do this for me. I can place blame on PCOS and bad decision making for my obesity. However, I cannot excuse the fact that I am the one that is keeping me obese. I don't exercise anymore. I eat whatever is convenient. I don't plan or make concessions when eating out. I just go about my daily life without even considering what I could do that day to change my course for the future. I'm really sick of living this way and I know what must be done. Doing it will be my greatest challenge.
First off, I must overhaul my food supply. I have a mixed bag of healthy and unhealthy food items. I will not be throwing anything away, as I cannot afford to, so I must rethink how I prepare these items or what I eat them with. I need to add more fruits and veggies to each meal. I need to drink more water. I need to move more. I need to measure and prepare meals in advance, so that I'm not tempted to pick up what's convenient. I need to approach this with baby steps and take it one meal at a time. I must be consistent. I must not get discouraged when I mess up. Most of all, I need to START!