You don't need to read this, but I need to write it.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Seriously. I need a good metatext/reasoning/vent session. So be forewarned that this isn't positive or inspiring or really worth reading at all. This is for me.
Last night, for my birthday dinner, we had roasted chicken and tostones. I love both and so it was great. I weighed everything out, logged it ahead of time, and was confident and prepared with my meal. Then I got seconds of chicken. Then I went to clean up the mess we made in the kitchen and ate more chicken. Like standing over the container, eating straight off the bone in the most unlady-like of ways. And continued to do so until I was ashamed and afraid I'd be caught in the act. I tucked away my mental breakdown, finished cleaning up, stored the rest of the food, and went to brush my teeth.
I proceeded to sit down with a big glass of ice water and blogged about my day, which truly was a delight. I decided to not let my binge moment - albeit chicken - affect the rest of my evening.
So instead it's affecting my whole day. I woke up earlier than usual to sneak in an extra 30 minute swim this morning to alleviate the sense of disappointment I had last night. Swimming is obviously a good workout, but it's also therapeutic for me. So I did and I felt better. After work this morning I was walking to my car trying to convince myself to go to the gym. It was working - I always allow myself at least 15 minutes of exercise before I quit - until I opened my trunk and realized I left my gym bag at home.
I'm home now. You see, I'm a routine girl. I follow my routine everyday and it allows me to feel safe, in control. Deviating from my routine rarely turns in my favor. The fact that I need to return to work this afternoon doesn't really allow me to make it to the gym and enjoy the workout because I will be too concerned with leaving enough spare time to make it to work. And then I need to ensure I have dinner packed (it's a late night). It's a 20 minute drive to the gym and another 40 minutes to work. So what do I do?
1.) If I shut my brain off, I can just pack for the day and get my butt to the gym, complete the workout I'm scheduled to complete today, and rest easy. Or panic staring at a clock every 5 minutes. Either way I will have completed my cardio and ST session for the day.
2.) I have an at home elliptical (just legs). I could hop on that, let my "extra" swimming workout this morning stand as my instead of ST and roll ST into tomorrow. Eliminating the routine won't help my anxiety here, but I will have sweated some of the issues out. There's also less driving.
3.) I could say, "screw the whole thing". Stay home and relax until work later and feel guilty, but simultaneously more relaxed because I won't be worrying about time on any end of the spectrum.
What scares me, is that for the first time in 6 months I want option number 3. I want to eat chocolate and a few other things and lounge on the couch until it's time to return to work. I'm not hungry (just ate), but I want peanut butter cups. And trail mix. I know I can handle one serving, but at the same time, I feel like I'm allowing myself to eat for reasons beyond sustance. I'm not hungry, in fact, I'm stuffed, but I can't kick the munchie craving. I'm leaning towards, and almost willing to accept, that throwing my ST and healthy nutritional breakdown out the window today is OK. If I do that I know it will become OK regularly and that's how I fall off the wagon everytime.
I want to eat and be lazy, which I know will feel good in the moment. I know that not eating and being lazy will be tough in the moment, but rewarding in the long term. As I'm writing this though I realize that not giving a little on the craving can lead to a binge much later, so why is compromise so difficult for me right now? Perhaps a small snack and then the gym with time to spare? Or a snack and the at home elliptical? That's clearly the answer. Being lazy and eating, while I watch MTVretro is not a productive, healthy way to exist on a Thursday afternoon. Being able to acknowledge that is a relief because after last night I was worried I would relapse entirely. For now I'm just fighting relapsing entirely, which is clearly something I will be battling for a long time.
I think I've decided. I ate a healthy breakfast and lunch - both high in protein too - I've had 8 glasses of water and counting. I've swam for 30 minutes today. Those decisions allow for a chocolate craving, but only one serving, which I can totally handle. Afterwards I will move, whether that be at home on the elliptical for a simple 30 minutes or to the gym, prepared for a long night, completing my scheduled workout. If I don't complete my scheduled workout I'll just roll it into tomorrow and work a little extra hard. I just need to remain focused and in the now because the now is all I can guarantee.