Wednesday, July 17, 2013
...kinda in my own bubble lately but, I am still around. I'm happy to say I'm down to 185 now and wearing a size 12 (I even have a pair of 10s that fit! Got to love vanity sizing!). It's mind blowing to me. Just looking at my pants hanging up in the closet they look tiny...but, miraculously they fit!
I've been wanting a new pair of running shoes so bad lately. I managed to score the best deal ever on a pair yesterday. They are guys, and they are not my style...but they fit, they are immaculate shape, and they are sooooo comfortable. It's not every day you find a barely worn pair of Nike's at the thrift store (if I could just find a fitbit at the thrift store I'd have all the fitness things on my short wish list). For $3 so I couldn't pass them up just because I don't like the color scheme. I've wore them around since I got them to make sure they are properly broken in and tomorrow morning I'm more than ready to hit the gravel in them.
I finally got in to the doctor. I was hoping for answers. This is our last month trying Clomid. Despite my trying to get the doctor to understand that a couple of the months I took the Clomid we didn't TTC because I was INSANE thanks to the medication. Well, I didn't get answers all I got was depression medication for my PMDD symptoms and theories ranging from hypothyroidism to luteal phase defect because apparently I've now lost enough weight he can't just say "You're morbidly obese and your PCOS is out of control". Sorry buddy, I'm only 23 pounds over what the poster in your office says is ideal weight...because I'm fat is no longer a valid reason for infertility. I am finally trying to get my mindset back to "If we have kids great...if we don't we're still great." Oh well, in the end what is meant to happen for DH and I will happen until then we just have lots of fur kids.
I'm pretty sure my family and some friends are ready to string me up. I've hit a phase of adjustment and I can't help but keep talking about it. The person I see in the mirror now is NOT the person I was used to looking at. This chick in the mirror now has cheek bones...and a neck...she also has boobs that stick out farther than her gut (not a lot cause the gut is something awful but still). I'm in awe every time I see my reflection. In the mirror the person I see is so amazing I have to keep talking about it because when I can't see the reflection I still see me as the same fat girl I was for so long. The last time I wore the size I'm in now was...grade school! It's seriously like a stranger with the same tattoos looking back at me. I mean I still see a flabby belly, my arm fat claps when I run and depending on the pants I'm wearing the thigh flab will too but I can't really call myself fat anymore really...flabby but not fat...the chick in the mirror just isn't fat...the girl in the mirror has been 376 pounds fat before so 184.8 is like the fat girl would tell the skinny chick she needs a cheeseburger.
I've still got 24 pounds to go until my "test" goal. If I get to 160 and I am comfortable with my level of stomach goo I will stay there if not I will try 5 more pounds and see from there if I need to go more. The chart at the doctor said 140-163 pounds for a large frame 5'7 person. My husband keeps telling me that I do not have a large frame. But, I remember a time when I could sit down on the loveseat and I was the only person that fit. Some part of my brain still seems to think I need two plane seats... Besides, I thinking aiming on the higher side of a healthy range is just a safer bet. It's less pressure and feels more attainable.