Today I turned 29. I hate birthdays. Though to my credit I also hate graduations, anniversaries, and other largely celebratory moving on moments. Since I was little I could only ever visualize my life to high school graduation - you do what you're told, you try things without repercussion, you get good grades, you perform well, you apply to college, and then you go to college. I've had trouble with everything that comes after that since, well, that.
Birthdays are an uncontrollable and I like control. Obviously. I mean clearly I've used food as a control for quite some time. So when July 17th hits I'm typically disappointed in being unable to control the fact that I've gotten older and yet simultaneously not be able to get excited that it's my birthday.
I know as you get older you learn to appreciate it. I know I'll look back and think, "how silly" of me to have taken all this for granted; but that doesn't change my here and now, which is something I really need to start taking more stock in. In fact, the birthday message delivered from SP this morning really resonated with me on this level. It opens by stating, "What matters most in life is often viewed as peripheral to the things that we usually focus on. Passion takes a backseat to production, wellness to working, and balance to busyness. The old adage that 'life is not a dress rehearsal' is so true, and yet we act to the contrary by putting off what is truly important or indulging in things that are not. On your birthday, stop focusing on your age and start meditating on your life at this exact moment." It continues, but I'll leave something to surprise, assuming everyone receives the same email on his or her birthday.
So my husband and I took the day and did what I felt like doing. Not because I was older or hate birthdays, but because I just wanted to live outside of my routine and be with me (well, and him). I've been flipping through our photos of today and saw three unique perspectives of myself.
This is what I saw:
Just nature. The calm water, my feet basking in the sun, and peacefulness. So I captured it.
This is what my husband saw:
His wife on a mission, enjoying the water, but also avoiding the camera.
And then there is what I appreciate in hindsight:
Me relaxed, enjoying the water break and smiling for a picture.
And the great strides I've made in 6.5 months. I am 67 pounds lighter literally and a good bit more confident and solid minded. So even though I'm still self-loathing on the birthday front, I can honestly say I am proud of the strides I'm making.
me! 29 will be good.