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Today I just wanted to scream

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

So I thought...step back and blog it out. Maybe there might be one person who knows exactly what I'm going through, has been what I went through, or maybe there will be a lifeline of something I can work with to get me feeling good again. The frustration level has been rising and it hit a peak today. That peak where I just want to say, ''Screw this. This is just too hard and I'm done." Gasp...right? Say it isn't so. Well, I said I want to...not that I was ready to. I reminded myself that every time I've strayed from SparkPeople, the result has always been weight gain and I've been fighting to stay somewhere in the 180's and I'm not looking to get any bigger so I can't throw in the towel. I just need to look at the frustration points and come up with an action plan because I'm to the point where I don't feel there are enough hours in the day.

Part of the problem is that it's summer so during the summer, I'm not on the computer as much. I've done a couple of Technology free trips and I'm falling behind on things and that gets me irked because I haven't been able to completely catch up. So sometimes I'm missing stuff on my challenge that's starting up and I have been desperately playing catch up. I had to make a hard decision and leave the Diabetes 8 week challenge for now and thinking I will need to leave a couple of other groups as well. It's too much and the forever battle of being active and doing the online stuff is wearing me down. I mean how else am I going to keep up with the online part of SparkPeople unless I do sit down once in awhile and do that part? The tracking isn't even happening for food and exercise. I run out of time and tell myself better luck tomorrow.

I'm a single, working Mom so life is crazy anyways, but summer seems to be the worse. I do my computer stuff in the morning. but I don't sit there the whole time. I try to break it up by getting up to make breakfast, lunches, put away dishes, run the dryer, plan for the day, get my daughter up and then abandon the computer all together when it's time to get dressed. I got my lunch back to a half hour so that's enough time to do some exercises while I wait for my food to cook, then walk to the rest room for a potty break, and fill up my water bottle. By the time I get to my desk, I may have 15 minutes to eat and try to get through a couple of Spark People stuff. So while I'm excited about this because it means more time with my daughter after work, it's hard in other ways because there isn't much time to do anything online. When I come home from work, I don't like to watch TV or do much on the computer. That's my time to connect with my daughter, put stuff away, and relax a little as it gets near bed time.

Another huge source of stress and frustration is my shoulder. It appears I have a bad case of tendonitis and a small tear in the rotator cuff. The good news is that it should be treatable non-surgically. Bad news is it will take anywhere from one to 3 months of recovery. I'm doing ice twice a day, Naproxen twice a day, Vicodin at night only, my prescribed stretches and hopefully more once I start physical therapy, but mainly I found out that I have to reduce movement that aggravates the condition. Well, that's so many things I feel like Mission Impossible music should be playing, but I'm making a concerted effort to move it as little as possible. Which means no arm strength training, no jumping jacks. I have been finding things to do. It's just frustrating and never feels like it's good enough.

Which is another battle between feeling I'm doing the best I can to defending myself that I'm doing the best I can. I'm so horrible with the weight loss police. I feel like sometimes I need a sign that says "Back off". I know some people mean well and have the best of intentions, but this is my journey at the end of the day. I've hurt myself listening to other people and trying to fit in their box. I'm done with that. The MRI was not fun. The only good thing about that experience is they found an incedental that I will go for a CAT scan for, but I'm to the point where I'm done with injuries. I'm done with doing stuff that aggravates my arches, my sciatic nerve, my body. I have to learn that it's okay to do what works for me and let people know that just because I'm not jumping into their box doesn't mean anything is wrong with it. I can only stand for so long before my feet hurt so bad that I can't walk. I can only push so hard before I throw my back out and then I'm down for a few days, and by down I don't mean bed rest, but hobbling and limited to what I can do. Mobility has become a huge deal for me. I will fight for that.

Work is another obstacle because I work with people who I think sometimes believe everyone should have the dedication they have. My job requirement was long hours of sitting. That's what I signed up for. I can't have a hissy fit about that because there's the door. So I value my breaks and lunches where I get to get up and stretch my legs. I get excited when I find other "excuses" to get up from my desk, but the fact of the matter is it's a tight rope and sometimes I get looks when I go on my breaks. I'm entitled to these. Other people get to leave their desks...I don't. I'm stuck here. Dang right I'm going to take my break! And then I have the opposite end where I'm almost to be made feel bad because I'm not getting up more. Ya...when I'm expected to type and produce at the level that I do. Not without throwing out my back so I've learned my boundaries. I try to find other ways to move like fidgeting at my desk or doing leg extensions or getting up to stretch for a couple of seconds after a long call. If it's not good enough, then I guess that's too bad because this war that's going on with me can't keep going or I will truly throw in the towel because with all the personal stuff going on with my life, I'm really feeling there are not enough hours in the day and I need to be cloned. Thanks for listening.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thanks for sharing your stresses! It is SO hard to work full time with a small child and also take care of yourself. Keep pushing forward!

    Here is a neat blog about finding what's best for one's own self. I have this bookmarked -

    1700 days ago
  • ANGELN325
    I want to mention a couple of things:
    1. I like my job. I like what I do. What I don't like is when someone makes me feel bad because I have a sit down job and doesn't think moving my legs while sitting isn't enough. That's the irk. Someone mentioned a floor bicycle and that has been the dream so I'm going to see if I can get one free since I found out they really do exist! Only online. Can't get them at a store. If I can't get one for free, then I will see if I can get one used before splurging for a new one, but I will if I have to.
    2. I can stand up and stretch once in awhile, but I would be hard pressed to always get up and walk away that often or do my job standing up. I don't have a problem with that. Again, I love what I do and I do get breaks and lunches so every 2 hours I'm guaranteed a stretch. The peers who give me looks aren't on my team and have no clue to my journey and it's all about learning to brush people off.
    3. So to biggest source of stress is when I have someone act like I should never be on the computer (how am I supposed to track my nutrition and calories, be supportive to others etc, and fully take advantage of SparkPeople?) or act like I should be doing EXACTLY what they are doing. I'm glad what they are doing is working for them, BUT I have all kind of physical challenges I'm overcoming and finding my own way. I'm always open to suggestions but don't like when I'm made to feel like a loser because I'm not doing what someone is telling me to do. I've hurt myself pushing myself more and following advice so I need to stop letting people pressure me and that's the real challenge!
    1702 days ago
    Consider looking seriously for a different job. We sometimes think we're stuck when making a big change like a new job can really open our eyes and reduce the stress.
    1703 days ago
    I've had jobs which require us to stand up and stretch once an hour, so it shouldn't be unusual for you to get up and stretch, perhaps you could bring that suggestion up to management?

    Is it possible for you to plan out your meals when you plan out the kids' meals? If you take the time one day, then you don't have to stress over it all week long and have it all ready for you and planned within your calorie range for the week.

    I have a saying, "An excuse is just a challenge to figure out how to do something different." So you need to figure out how to get things done differently so you're not as stressed about everything. I know summers are harder, I have kids too, having to feed and entertain them all summer long throws me off too.

    I hope your blog today helped some of your stress today. emoticon
    1703 days ago
    I think I wanted to scream with you... It's tough - in summer, single parenting and facing so many challenges. We're here for you though!! I think it's great that you don't spend too much time on the computer or TV (we do enough sitting at our jobs). It's hard to push at times when we have physical limitations or circumstances working against us. We just have to do OUR best and that's all that matters.
    1703 days ago
  • ANGELN325
    Thank you so much for the hugs. I so needed this. I'm so drained and it's so hot, but I did work on my personal nightmare when I got home and keep running outside to see if any of the towels have dried. Ugh!

    Donna, thank you for your insight on the groups. I'm going to evaluate and decide which ones I stay in and which ones I leave because it's just too much. I need to be able to focus on my summer challenge because I do find the challenges helpful.
    1704 days ago
  • FIT4MEIN2013
    1704 days ago
    We could be twins my dear. I have a sit down job as well answering 10 phone lines. I find instead of sending someone an email because it's convenient I get up and walk it down the hallway instead. I've already had one knee replacement and I'm facing another right now so the importance of being able to get up and stretch is vital to us folks who 'sit on our butts all day long and don't really have real jobs'. Also another thing you may want to consider is getting a small foot bicycle you can place under your desk and use it while you are sitting there. You'll be getting some exercise while still doing your job. I also answer phones at my desk while eating. While this a wonderful idea and only work 8 hours straight it sucks for being able to actually 'have a set break'.

    I believe you will always have a problem with do-gooders. They feel it's their job to help you when indeed you can do it on your own. A few years back I made the choice to drop the groups I had not been as active in. It's much easier to be active in one consistently than to be 'involved' in a bunch for the sake of numbers. you know what I mean?

    You are learning what works for you. And that is how it should be. I wish you luck on your journey. Be strong because you are. You have come a long way and even though you may feel like throwing in the towel, perhaps throw in a few wash clothes instead and use all of this as stepping stones, not stumbling blocks.

    emoticon Donna
    1704 days ago
  • THOMS1
    1704 days ago
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