Today I just wanted to scream
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
So I thought...step back and blog it out. Maybe there might be one person who knows exactly what I'm going through, has been what I went through, or maybe there will be a lifeline of something I can work with to get me feeling good again. The frustration level has been rising and it hit a peak today. That peak where I just want to say, ''Screw this. This is just too hard and I'm done." Gasp...right? Say it isn't so. Well, I said I want to...not that I was ready to. I reminded myself that every time I've strayed from SparkPeople, the result has always been weight gain and I've been fighting to stay somewhere in the 180's and I'm not looking to get any bigger so I can't throw in the towel. I just need to look at the frustration points and come up with an action plan because I'm to the point where I don't feel there are enough hours in the day.
Part of the problem is that it's summer so during the summer, I'm not on the computer as much. I've done a couple of Technology free trips and I'm falling behind on things and that gets me irked because I haven't been able to completely catch up. So sometimes I'm missing stuff on my challenge that's starting up and I have been desperately playing catch up. I had to make a hard decision and leave the Diabetes 8 week challenge for now and thinking I will need to leave a couple of other groups as well. It's too much and the forever battle of being active and doing the online stuff is wearing me down. I mean how else am I going to keep up with the online part of SparkPeople unless I do sit down once in awhile and do that part? The tracking isn't even happening for food and exercise. I run out of time and tell myself better luck tomorrow.
I'm a single, working Mom so life is crazy anyways, but summer seems to be the worse. I do my computer stuff in the morning. but I don't sit there the whole time. I try to break it up by getting up to make breakfast, lunches, put away dishes, run the dryer, plan for the day, get my daughter up and then abandon the computer all together when it's time to get dressed. I got my lunch back to a half hour so that's enough time to do some exercises while I wait for my food to cook, then walk to the rest room for a potty break, and fill up my water bottle. By the time I get to my desk, I may have 15 minutes to eat and try to get through a couple of Spark People stuff. So while I'm excited about this because it means more time with my daughter after work, it's hard in other ways because there isn't much time to do anything online. When I come home from work, I don't like to watch TV or do much on the computer. That's my time to connect with my daughter, put stuff away, and relax a little as it gets near bed time.
Another huge source of stress and frustration is my shoulder. It appears I have a bad case of tendonitis and a small tear in the rotator cuff. The good news is that it should be treatable non-surgically. Bad news is it will take anywhere from one to 3 months of recovery. I'm doing ice twice a day, Naproxen twice a day, Vicodin at night only, my prescribed stretches and hopefully more once I start physical therapy, but mainly I found out that I have to reduce movement that aggravates the condition. Well, that's so many things I feel like Mission Impossible music should be playing, but I'm making a concerted effort to move it as little as possible. Which means no arm strength training, no jumping jacks. I have been finding things to do. It's just frustrating and never feels like it's good enough.
Which is another battle between feeling I'm doing the best I can to defending myself that I'm doing the best I can. I'm so horrible with the weight loss police. I feel like sometimes I need a sign that says "Back off". I know some people mean well and have the best of intentions, but this is my journey at the end of the day. I've hurt myself listening to other people and trying to fit in their box. I'm done with that. The MRI was not fun. The only good thing about that experience is they found an incedental that I will go for a CAT scan for, but I'm to the point where I'm done with injuries. I'm done with doing stuff that aggravates my arches, my sciatic nerve, my body. I have to learn that it's okay to do what works for me and let people know that just because I'm not jumping into their box doesn't mean anything is wrong with it. I can only stand for so long before my feet hurt so bad that I can't walk. I can only push so hard before I throw my back out and then I'm down for a few days, and by down I don't mean bed rest, but hobbling and limited to what I can do. Mobility has become a huge deal for me. I will fight for that.
Work is another obstacle because I work with people who I think sometimes believe everyone should have the dedication they have. My job requirement was long hours of sitting. That's what I signed up for. I can't have a hissy fit about that because there's the door. So I value my breaks and lunches where I get to get up and stretch my legs. I get excited when I find other "excuses" to get up from my desk, but the fact of the matter is it's a tight rope and sometimes I get looks when I go on my breaks. I'm entitled to these. Other people get to leave their desks...I don't. I'm stuck here. Dang right I'm going to take my break! And then I have the opposite end where I'm almost to be made feel bad because I'm not getting up more. Ya...when I'm expected to type and produce at the level that I do. Not without throwing out my back so I've learned my boundaries. I try to find other ways to move like fidgeting at my desk or doing leg extensions or getting up to stretch for a couple of seconds after a long call. If it's not good enough, then I guess that's too bad because this war that's going on with me can't keep going or I will truly throw in the towel because with all the personal stuff going on with my life, I'm really feeling there are not enough hours in the day and I need to be cloned. Thanks for listening.