Wednesday, July 17, 2013
This morning I woke up and stepped on the scale and it hadn't moved. In fact I had gained the one and half pounds i had take a whole 2 weeks to loose. I'm just so angry and frustrated at my body for not cooperating. I don't get it. I'm working out twice a day for most days and I'm eating really healthy foods. i just don't get it. It feels like all I'm doing is in vain. It doesn't even matter because my body wont loose weight.
I've started to think that this is it. that Ill just have to settle with having back fat and ugly disgusting legs and wobbly arms. I just hate this. I hate that I still have 40 lbs to loose and that it seems like I cant do anything about them.
I was so angry about it i cant even stop crying. It sounds pathetic but its the reality. I have goals and I want to meet them and at this point it seems freaking impossible. I just seems like there's this big mountain of fat and no matter what I do I cant get rid of it. I want to be strong and brave and say its ok ill just keep trying but today i want to say F*** You Fat! Get the hell out of my life. I hate you! I hate that you make me feel ugly. I hate that you make my jeans look like they're too tight. I hate all the damn cellulite that shows when I'm wearing legging or thin pants. I hate that i have to review pictures to make sure my arms don't look like they're bat wings. I hate you fat! I hate you so much. I hate the day I met you. I hate that somehow you consumed my life and now you still find a way to mess it up. Just go away! Go away and never come back.
Right now it feels like the 80 lbs I've lost thus far are freaking useless if i can't loose the last 40. what good is it to be smaller if I'm still fat?! There just isn't a point. Yeah yeah yeah I've cut my health issues in half but that's not enough. I want to be healthy. I want to be at my healthy weight. I want to live a long time and at this rate I'm thinner than i was before and other say I look great but i feel like a fake and a phony because I'm still not healthy. I still am not at my ideal weight. I'm not even close.
It just sucks that the only answer is to keep trying. That I cant just go to sleep and wake up 10, 20, 30, 40 lbs thinner. that would be some dream.