Wednesday, July 17, 2013
In the mirror, I'm basically the same: a little smaller in some areas, a little more defined in other areas. Hair is still a flyaway disaster tucked up in a ponytail; and my arms, chest, and face aren't NEARLY as pale as they were before I started going outside every day. But that's all on the surface. What I don't really recognize is the person inside.
I've been a dancer my whole life, but I never really considered that to mean an "athlete." Although I haven't ever really been "the fat kid" I was always last to be picked at sports as a child, and I never bothered to cultivate a physical skill other than dancing. I never bothered with weight training because what did I need to lift, you know?
Something happened between February of 2011 (when I got pregnant) and today. My baby boy was born healthy and happy, and is a tremendous source of joy and pride for me -- and also a tremendous responsibility: as his role model, I want to set the best example I can, and raise him in the healthiest and most positive lifestyle that I can. I want him to look up to me with pride. I want him to believe that he really CAN do what he sets his heart out to do.
I never believed that myself. I would start a project, and abandon it a few weeks or months later when it wasn't "perfect." I started many thing but finished very few. I lacked confidence. I was afraid not only of failure but of success. And I was lazy -- I didn't really want to do the work involved with an activity, but wanted to consider myself good at or a success with that activity. So when I didn't do the work, I failed, and I felt bad about myself. I also wanted everything RIGHT NOW, and if it couldn't be done in a weekend, well then just forget it!
Maybe it was rejoining Sparkpeople, or maybe it was the birth of my son, or maybe all and none of it, but something has changed in me. I am a lot more patient, not only with other people but also with myself. Somehow I managed to get myself organized and on a schedule. (Granted, my "day job" is pretty sweet with lots of flexibility, but that could be going away soon, and I need to get used to the idea that nothing gold can stay, but that's a post for another day.)
The mirror reflects back to me a person who is lifting weights daily. Who is that??? Whose biceps and calves are those??? Really? Mine? Wow. The reflected me is a RUNNER, for heaven's sake! Where did she come from? I HATED running in school! And now I do it for fun. Imagine that!
I'm signed up for our city's series of 3 races -- a 5K, a 10K, and our Half Marathon. I'll be running the 5, and run/walking the others. Who could ever have guessed that the person in the mirror with the too-long bangs and now-brown face would ever actually run a race?
Studying for this ACE test is one of the hardest things I've done in my life. I'm out of practice studying, since I've been out of school for so long. But I press on, and I WILL do it, will take the test and pass it. Why? Because I'm RUNNING A FREAKING 5K in three weeks, and if I can do THAT, I can pass a test.
I've lost a little over 11 pounds of fat, and I'm down 2 jeans sizes (almost 3.) If I can do THAT, I can pass a test. I gave birth to my son with no pain-killers, and I'm running and walking in the heat 6 days a week -- pushing on because I CAN, and not because I'm being chased by jaguars. If I can do THAT, I can pass a test.
Wait, who said that? Was that me?? Wow.