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Stressy stress... and BPD

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Well.. I'm 99% certain I have borderline personality disorder. I've been trying to self-diagnose since I don't have health insurance at the moment (but am getting it in a few months)... and before someone leaves a comment saying how it's difficult/dangerous to self-diagnose: I know. But I had to do -something- and I can't afford to see a professional until the insurance kicks in. I've been suffering from anxiety/depression/mood swings/suicidal ideations, and was feeling incredibly bad this past week or two... I just had to do something. I stumbled across the wikipedia page for BPD and my jaw dropped... it was like reading my life's story. Every symptom, every cause, it all fit. So, when I finally have the insurance and am able to see a professional, I'll mention to them that I highly suspect this to be the case and see what they think. Until then, I've ordered a few self-help books.... it's a very treatable condition, and I know that it can get better. It has to. The self-help books deal with dialectical behavioral therapy... apparently mindfulness and meditation are incorporated in this approach, which has already worked well for me, so I am hopeful that I can gain something from them.

What am I so stressed out about? Well.... finances. School. Family. I don't want to go into it, but it's overwhelming for me to deal with all at once. BPD causes people to feel negative emotions more acutely and for a longer period of time... I know I need better coping mechanisms... I need to figure out ways from not feeling such exaggerated negative emotions constantly.

In regards to my health and weight... ugh. Just ugh. I don't know if it's a "real gain," but I've put on about 4 lbs, it might just be water weight from inflammation. I've had far too much cortisol in my system, and we all know how that increases fat storage... it also leads to insomnia... moodiness... impulsivity... and decreased pain threshold. I've felt just completely drained, exhausted, sore, sick, inflamed, and depressed. Every time I exercise, the pain gets worse. I think I need to rest for a few days and try to get my stress levels down.. let my body heal itself, and eat plenty of anti-inflammatory, clean foods.

The positive: I've not been eating my emotions, as I have in the past. Even though I've put on weight, I'm still eating healthfully, although maybe not as regularly because of my weird sleep schedule.

This is the plan today: Distract myself from stress; force myself to feel positive. Watch something funny and laugh deeply. Meditate with aromatherapy. Take a bath. Limit my electronic screen time to reduce eye strain. Stretch a good, deep stretch and maybe do some gentle yoga. Get outside in the sun for at least 10 minutes. Cook something healthy. Remind myself that I am not a failure, a waste of a person, or a useless life, and that I matter and that people love me. Also, take a sleeping pill at 10 pm and try to get my sleep back on schedule.

It's all going to be okay..... I will keep telling myself this until it is...

I would appreciate any and every positive thought you could send my way today.

Update: I'm feeling a little better after some meditation and aromatherapy. I really am going to be ok. Thanks for all of your kindness in the comments.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I honestly think to self-diagnose tends to be more accurate... doctors get it wrong all the time and prescribe meds at the drop of a hat now days. You know yourself better than anyone. I do the same thing.
    1704 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/17/2013 2:08:58 PM
    Great big hugs to start.

    I know what its like to have to self diagnose because I don't have insurance. Here is my take on long as you are not taking some drug from some persons medicine cabinet it's o.k. Reading about something and trying some techniques are not going to hurt you. I self diagnosed my issue with Dairy and it's been the best thing I could have done. Obviously I know that dairy issues and BPD are completely different but I stand by what I long as you are not self medication i think it's safe because you will be seeing a DR.

    I am a firm believer that our thoughts create our lives. So kudos to you in trying to be positive. That takes a huge effort and I am so proud of you Jamie. I adore you and I want nothing but the best for you. Keep plugging on using every bit of info you can gather that works for you until you can see a Dr. You will make it through this sweetie.
    1704 days ago
    Your not alone , I too feel that way and its does trigger all sorts of mood swings. Hope your able to address the issues , I self diagnosis all the time , probably fluctuation weight Hugs K emoticon
    1704 days ago
    It's difficult to feel so many emotions at once. Stress, anxiety, depression, it can all get to you. It's not bad that you researched your symptoms. A lot of people find out what's wrong that way but it could just be that you have an anxiety disorder and a lot of the symptoms match of with BPD. If it is BPD, it will be okay.

    If you are in school, check out the student health center. your tuition pays for it or they take it out of your financial aid and it's suppose to be 100% confidential. It only seems intimidating but they are there to help. :)

    I have felt many of the same feelings and it is overwhelming. If you ever feel like you need to vent or just want to talk, feel free to message me on here.

    It will be okay. Your plan for today was awesome! Keep making plans like that (even on a smaller scale) and I am sure it will help! :)

    emoticon emoticon
    1705 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/16/2013 10:04:06 PM
  • KIPPER15
    You always inspire me with your blogs. 1CRAZYDOG has a point about the Health department, also if you are taking college classes, many universities have Mental health departments that could help you. Sending you best wishes and positive thoughts. emoticon
    1705 days ago
    emoticon looks like you are facing your problems head on .congrats not everyone does that. You have a good head on your shoulders.just take one step at a time, you'll get there!
    1705 days ago
    You are right. You ARE going to be okay. *hugs*
    1705 days ago
    1705 days ago
  • GODZY_
    I've just found your page recently and I want to congratulate you on the progress you're making and on your successes.

    Reading this blog I think you have a really good attitude towards your stress and I'd say life in general.
    Congratulations for not eating your emotions and for finding ways to nourish your mind, body and soul.
    You are on the right path.

    You are doing good and reading all your successes I'm sure you'll be able to get through this.

    1705 days ago
    Seriously, try to keep positive. I know that sounds extremely difficult at times but i know how it is. I was experiencing the EXACT same thing, self diagnosed from the internet (may as well be a hypochondriac haha) and thought I was hopeless. I live in Canada so healthcare is free here, I got a recommendation to therapist who worked with me for almost a year. It ends up I didn't have BPD and have been tested for it on multiple occasions along with manic depression(very similar to BPD), severe anxiety, put on multiple antidepressants and drugs with alot of side effects.I was miserable. Some I have been off of for a couple years and I still experience residual effects from. not fun.
    To be honest, eating well & exercising is the best thing you can ever do for yourself. I have free of meds for years now( i even had extreme mental reactions to birth control...cant take it ever), and the more I lose and take care of my body/health the few & far between the episodes have been. I put my boyfriend through absolute hell with my mood swings and days of crying and wanting to die and I love him to the moon & back for not throwing me to the curb as it takes a equally strong person to deal with it. I know its hard when people who have never experienced the effects of serious depression & anxiety try to talk you through it as really, they will never understand. Just know that you really are on the road to making it better, it WILL get better. I highly suggest when you get insurance to go talk to someone (therapist) because thats all I really think you need to get you back on track mentally along with your new healthy lifestyle.I hope the body aches & pains subside as you continue to shrink & i really just think its a result of the tension you are holding & from working really freaking hard (in life & exercise). If you ever need to talk I am here. emoticon
    1705 days ago
    Maybe you could contact your local Mental Health Dept.? Quite often they'll help out on a sliding scale. Just a thought. Otherwise, I think it's a great idea to try to do things to distract yourself.
    1705 days ago
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