Well.. I'm 99% certain I have borderline personality disorder. I've been trying to self-diagnose since I don't have health insurance at the moment (but am getting it in a few months)... and before someone leaves a comment saying how it's difficult/dangerous to self-diagnose: I know. But I had to do -something- and I can't afford to see a professional until the insurance kicks in. I've been suffering from anxiety/depression/mood swings/suicidal ideations, and was feeling incredibly bad this past week or two... I just had to do something. I stumbled across the wikipedia page for BPD and my jaw dropped... it was like reading my life's story. Every symptom, every cause, it all fit. So, when I finally have the insurance and am able to see a professional, I'll mention to them that I highly suspect this to be the case and see what they think. Until then, I've ordered a few self-help books.... it's a very treatable condition, and I know that it can get better. It has to. The self-help books deal with dialectical behavioral therapy... apparently mindfulness and meditation are incorporated in this approach, which has already worked well for me, so I am hopeful that I can gain something from them.
What am I so stressed out about? Well.... finances. School. Family. I don't want to go into it, but it's overwhelming for me to deal with all at once. BPD causes people to feel negative emotions more acutely and for a longer period of time... I know I need better coping mechanisms... I need to figure out ways from not feeling such exaggerated negative emotions constantly.
In regards to my health and weight... ugh. Just ugh. I don't know if it's a "real gain," but I've put on about 4 lbs, it might just be water weight from inflammation. I've had far too much cortisol in my system, and we all know how that increases fat storage... it also leads to insomnia... moodiness... impulsivity... and decreased pain threshold. I've felt just completely drained, exhausted, sore, sick, inflamed, and depressed. Every time I exercise, the pain gets worse. I think I need to rest for a few days and try to get my stress levels down.. let my body heal itself, and eat plenty of anti-inflammatory, clean foods.
The positive: I've not been eating my emotions, as I have in the past. Even though I've put on weight, I'm still eating healthfully, although maybe not as regularly because of my weird sleep schedule.
This is the plan today: Distract myself from stress; force myself to feel positive. Watch something funny and laugh deeply. Meditate with aromatherapy. Take a bath. Limit my electronic screen time to reduce eye strain. Stretch a good, deep stretch and maybe do some gentle yoga. Get outside in the sun for at least 10 minutes. Cook something healthy. Remind myself that I am not a failure, a waste of a person, or a useless life, and that I matter and that people love me. Also, take a sleeping pill at 10 pm and try to get my sleep back on schedule.
It's all going to be okay..... I will keep telling myself this until it is...
I would appreciate any and every positive thought you could send my way today.
Update: I'm feeling a little better after some meditation and aromatherapy. I really am going to be ok. Thanks for all of your kindness in the comments.