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Ma, Could You Just Stop?

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Over the last couple of years, my mom has lost a substantial amount of weight because of stress and worry. She's gone from a solid 16 to 10 (and even the 10s are becoming baggy). When my Aunt and Grandmother were extremely ill, she altogether stopped eating for a while except for the few cups of coffee she'd have every morning. After my Aunt and Grandmother finally passed away, she was able to get some meat on her bones, but not too much. Cut to the last 6 months and she's gradually settling into her new size and enjoys every moment of it. As someone who was big her entire life (maybe a 16), she's happy and she deserves to be.


My mother's obvious glee at being a couple of sizes (depending on how bloated I am) bigger than me is beginning to grate my nerves a bit. It's not just the snide comments at the size of my belly or how my 12s are way too big for her, it's her overal attitude that is getting to me. Where's the sensitivity? Where's the support?

Like many of my SparkBuddies, I was always a big girl, was even a big child. Despite knowing that I probably shouldn't be eating the things that I did so young, my mom let me eat with abandon never stopping me even when she had the power to do so. I don't ever recall her stopping me from overeating or putting vegetables on my plate. The only time I HAD to have veggies/fruit was when I was at my Grandmother's house every summer. I don't blame her for my weight ballooning when I was in high school and college, but I do hold her accoutable for my younger years. Anyway, the comments started a few months ago when I was struggling to get back to my December weight and have been a lot more frequent than I'd like lately. Just last night, I was talking about a friend who was complaining about being 135 and she chimes in, "I'm not thin, I'm only 150lbs!"

*cricket, cricket*

Me: "Um, excuse me?"
Ma: "I'm not thin, I've still got weight to lose! I'm a big girl!"
Me: "Come back to me when you're not at least 50lbs lighter than me and you're not a size 8/10."
Ma: "The doctor says he wants me to lose more weight."
Me: "I understand that Mom, but don't complain to me about being 150 when I've been seeing a 2 before my weight for the past 6 months."

These kinds of conversations have been happening a lot lately and I'm not sure what to make of them.

Me: "God, I can't wait to get rid of this belly."
Ma: "It's still pretty big, but it's not as big as it used to be."

Really Mom?

Perhaps I'm being too sensitive, perhaps I'm jealous. Perhaps. Am I giving her fuel for the fire? Perhaps. Despite the setbacks I've done extremely well. I'm keeping up in my fitness classes better than ever before and am toning up nicely. I've got more muscle in my legs than she does on her enitre body. She never exercises and has no plan on doing any. Any mention of physical activity is bemoaned. I shouldn't be affected, but I am. It hurts. I just feel like no matter what I do, I cannot escape my Mother and her incessant bragging. I'm not sure of what to do besides answer back sarcastically or ignore her completely. Besides these instances, I’m concerned that the Depression, anger, anxiety and frustration that my mother has been experienceing the last 6 months are turning her into someone I no longer know.

So much is changing around me, heck, I'm changing but why does my Mother have to? Why can't she just stay the wonderfully supportive person I'd run to with every little issue? I guess it's all part of growing up, but man why must she be so nasty to me? Why must she say the things she says or make fun of me for being bigger than her?

I've got to fight the negativity or it will certainly consume me.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hang in there... Sometimes people around us try to be honest but they become rude instead. It's a thin line, but the best you can do is talk about it the exact moment it happens.

    1679 days ago
  • PICKIE98
    Mother knows EXACTLY what she is saying and how it is affecting you. She is your mother.
    You have some choices here.
    Mom is boosting her ego by insulting and belittling you. Since she i sonly taking into consideration HER feelings, you can do a few things and get different results.

    After many years of counseling, I learned these tools.

    Think of that tennis game.. tossing the ball over the net or letting it drop on HER side.
    Crickets, crickets, deadpan stare.

    "Why would you say something like that to me?"

    For the bragging:(which is merely to manipulate others into complimenting her,((See ego)))
    The best answer besides no reply is, "How nice for you". Nothing else, look her in the eye and just say it. The ball is in her court to try to lob to you.. Any of eh above responses will eventually stop the comments, Eventually.. It takes practice and bullocks to do it, especially with mom .. but it works..

    You did not tolerate the snarky remarks from a stranger(director) why should ANYBODY have the power to say things like that to you?? YOU have the power...

    i am so happy that you are blogging about this,, it is very common,, you are not alone!!
    1681 days ago
    Well, you could be passive- aggressive and tell her it's all her fault... or you can have a discussion with her and explain how these comments hurt you and are not constructive. I think after a frank, heart to heart discussion you may convince her to stop saying hurtful things to you. You are her daughter and she loves you, so she probably does not realize she is hurting you. Once you explain that to her, hopefully she will stop.
    1682 days ago
    I will not judge or offer any expectations. I want to send you my love and my wish that you will not suffer. A Monk Tao says-Anger is energy calling you to act. But it is lucid and anger is really the fears within us...acting from corruption leads you to do wrong. Suffering is real. Don't let anger carry you...compassion is better energy. It is a true power much stronger than anger...it will win your battle everytime. It is hard to practice but worth it!
    So Tao says- yin and Yang...happiness and suffering support each other..." From the mud the lotus grows."
    As a mother I think your mom is angry with herself for your suffering. She thought letting you do whatever you wanted would make you the happiest person...but not setting boundaries has brought you pain. Seeing this is a reminder...the sooner your thin the sooner she can tell herself it was okay!
    1682 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/16/2013 10:13:44 PM
  • SPARKLE1908
    I agree with the others but also wanted to send you a emoticon because I know it's even harder when your "support" system is one of the ones causing you pain...just continue to do what you are doing and take care of YOURSELF...you are doing great!
    1682 days ago
  • BINGO24
    Miss B, your journey is not about your mother or comparing yourself to anyone else. It is all about your journey to being healthy and in that respect, you are a winner. Just remember how far you have come from being extremely unhealthy to now being a very fit and beautiful lady. The scale is not necessarily your friend. This is not a competition, but it is all about being you and being a wonderful healthy you that you are now. Celebrate your success!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon Nancy

    1682 days ago
  • CHERYLA2012
    Dear MissB...

    All those unhelpful and unkind comments need to go in one ear and out the other. You got this - you know how to do this - you gotta do what you gotta do.

    You know that there's a whole lot of depression, anger, anxiety and frustration going on. Gotta keep that stuff separate from your journey to becoming the healthiest you can be. Those things do not need to become a roadblock for you especially as they aren't yours to own.

    I wish you much success on your journey to becoming the healthiest you can be!

    1682 days ago
    No, I don't think that negative talk is helping you at all. She may not know how insensitive she's being. I'm definitely NOT taking her side, because the way she's acting towards you is upsetting to me,. but sometimes, people don't even realize the things they say. Hang in there, WE'RE here for you!
    emoticon emoticon
    1682 days ago
    Holy Hannah!! You sound like you're doing everything you need to do for yourself. So nothing more irritating that having to deal with Mom's interpretation.

    Maybe just come up with a snappy comeback when she gets on the soap box rather than getting hooked into a conversation.

    My first husband used to tell me "you're too fat to ..." fill in the blank. And I finally learned to respond with totally off the wall stuff, like "how do you think penguins keep their chests clean?" Or I'd say the infamous, "Why would you ask/say that?" and put it right back in his lap.

    Anyway, something to think about.

    You just do what you need to do for you according to you!!
    1682 days ago
  • SUGAR0814
    It's hard when a major supporter becomes a major pain! I'm so sorry you are going through this but this too shall pass! emoticon Maybe you need to talk to your mom. She may not realize what she is doing to you. My mom use to make jokes all the time about my weight until I told her about it one day. She apologized. Talk to her & tell her how you're feeling. I'm positive you'll feel better afterwards. emoticon
    1682 days ago
    Wow, that is definitely not cool of your mother. I wonder if she's just feeling insecure herself and reaching out to you in a warped kind of way for support, maybe looking for reinforcement that she's relatively thin these days. Or she could be one of those people that just likes to turn the conversation back to herself all the time. Obviously I don't know your mother myself. Regardless, does she know that this is causing you pain? She's being totally insensitive, but maybe if you talked about it with her she would understand and knock it off.

    But yeah, growing up and realizing your parents aren't the solid always-dependable, supportive rocks you thought they were when you were a kid - that totally sucks. Good luck to you and hang in there, and be proud of all the healthy success you've had even if your weight went back up some. You're still kicking ass. :)
    1682 days ago
    Hon, you go right ahead and have that pity party. I'd say you've earned it. Once it's over, and the tears are gone, you can sort out what's happening with your mother. From your description, she sounds "skinny-fat," light in weight but no muscle. You are way healthier! As for the nastiness, how is your mom's mental health? You mentioned how she reacted to family illness and death. Do you think something has happened to her? A mini-stroke? Just trying to understand the personality change.

    Sending positive vibes to YOU to overcome any doubts that may crop up and to help deal with your mother's biting comments. You are super!
    1682 days ago
  • DIETER27
    The negative talk has not helped you. You need to pick yourself up and get out and do something for yourself. never mind her cruel comments she may be bragging but in turn she should not be knocking you. That will only make you feel worse. Keep exercising, eating healthy and don't give up. You will do it. One day at a time.
    1682 days ago
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