Tuesday, July 16, 2013
You know, depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc. really s*ck. I feel like every day I'm fighting myself.
I fight to feel good mentally. To stay positive, to not "give in" to whatever's going on with my brain chemistry. I take my meds. I spend most of my waking hours avoiding things that make it worse...I don't watch the news. I try not to get caught up in horrific events going on around us, because I'm already in an unhealthy state of mind.
I'm tired of it. My childhood was a long time ago. Yes, it was the stuff of nightmares, and would make a fabulous Horror Movie, but it was a long time ago. I WAS a victim. Nothing will change that.
But, will I suffer the rest of my life from it? I'm on meds, I've been in therapy now for most of my adult life. I can apply logic and reason to what happened, and know I did nothing to deserve it. I have talked and cried and yelled and written volumes about it. It SHOULD be more distant from me.
So, what's going on with me that I refuse to do what's needed to stop killing myself with food and inactivity? I know so much about nutrition, and caloric intake, and physiology, and what's needed to expend energy to burn calories and build muscle...
What is it about me that makes the choice to consume too much food, to choose unhealthy food, and to sit here, day after day after day, not moving unless I have to?
I examine all of this in great detail, pretty much every waking moment. I keep looking for an answer to explain my choices. Why is it that the thought of even walking around in my apartment for a few minutes makes me feel almost angry? There is a level of resentment, of almost an internal temper tantrum, screaming "NO! I don't want to! You can't make me! Leave me alone!!"
What is that???
I can't explain it, and I don't know what's causing it. It makes no sense, but it's really STRONG. It's stronger than my will to be healthy. It's stronger than my desire for my old life back. It's stronger than how much I miss traveling, walking on the beach, riding horses, and all of the other things I loved and enjoyed so much.
I wish I had an answer. It's so tiring fighting myself every day that for the most part, I just give up and find ways to lose myself in books, or movies, so I don't think about it.
One moment at a time. I hope I can figure this out.