Tuesday, July 16, 2013
It was bound to happen. I've been sailing along, staying within my calorie range, controlling my overeating urges, even adding in some exercise and then BAM (that's me hitting the proverbial diet wall).
I had a terrible time falling asleep Monday night and sometime around 3am I had this brilliant idea that getting up to weigh myself would do the trick. I guess I thought if the scale showed I had lost even more weight the little dream fairies would come take me to La-La Land. Well, the scale showed that I had lost ZIP, NADA, NOTHING. No little dream fairies were coming for me. No, the YOUR LIFE SUCKS and IT WILL ALWAYS SUCK fairies made their way into my subconscious. Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep Sunday night and woke up in a funk on Monday. Since I'm on summer break I didn't have to go to work but rather than starting on one of my numerous summer projects I plopped on the couch with my laptop in my lap, turned on the boob tube and there I stayed for pretty much the entire day. The longer I sat the more anxiety I felt and the more I wanted to stray from my ultimate goal of becoming a pretty, pretty princess (or at least less ogre-ish).
It wasn't until dinner time that I gave into my senseless eating urges. I was sick of measuring and weighing and logging. I wanted to eat what I wanted and not have to think about how many calories this was going to be. I wanted to be "normal". One of my downfalls is peanuts.....really all things related to peanuts - peanut butter, peanutbutter pie, peanut brittle, peanutbutter cookies. Seriously people, peanuts should be it's own food group! Okay, okay, back to reality, as I was saying - peanut downfall. I have been keeping all forms of peanuts out of my house for obvious reasons but on my last shopping trip I decided to forgo the almonds and trust myself with a can of peanuts instead. BIG MISTAKE. It started off innocently enough, a handful here (log it), another handful there (log it), then I'd find myself thinking, do I have enough calories for a few more before bedtime- NOOOO, so I went to bed like a good little Sparker. Until yesterday..... when I wanted peanuts and I didn't want to count them out or weigh them or log them or even think about how many calories are in ONE stinking peanut (approximately 5.3333 for those dying to know). So, I sat down with a can of party peanuts and started eating. Then I moved onto a box of cereal. I kept finding myself standing in front of an open fridg, freezer, cabinet staring at the contents and knowing there was nothing there that was going to satisfy me - mainly because I won't allow anything (until the peanut fiasco) in my house that is going to trigger a binge but also because what is going to satisfy me can't be found in food.
At some point I threw what was left of the peanuts in the garbage can and thought about what happened and why it happened. Basically, I turned on that damn TV and turned off my brain. I kept telling myself, "I'll get up and do something after this show". 8 hours later and I was still on the couch playing Candy Crush on Facebook (evil game, don't start) and watching episodes of Rush (an australian cop show - awesome but don't start) on Hulu. I got NOTHING accomplished and felt guilty for it.
As I was sitting on the couch I started feeling the stress of having to go back to work for the new school year - last year was the most stressful year I've ever had. I could hear my free time ticking away and I started worrying that when school starts again and the stress starts again I will put the 20 pounds back on and lose all the momentum I've built up over the summer. It would be easy to say that I won't work the ridiculous amount of overtime needed to do my job well but in reality, if I want to get a decent review I will have to work it and more importantly, if I want to be a great teacher ( I have ambition/competition issues) and have my kids excel in my class I will HAVE to work the OT (unpaid of course). Add to that the fact that I work in a high poverty school and many of my students come to me reading 2-3 grade levels behind and too much of my time is spent on behavior issues, the stress level sky rockets. Bottom line, I have to figure out a way to deal with my stress rather than binge eating. Last night I was able to stop myself before leaving the house for the closest McDonalds simply by telling myself it won't taste as good as you think it will (except for maybe those french fries) and you'll feel like crap afterwards but it was a struggle. I knew I should've gotten on Sparkpeople and blogged or visited the message boards but I didn't want to be stopped. I wanted to overeat, I wanted to feel lousy about myself...in THAT moment.
Funny though, I could hear all of my Sparkfriends yelling at me through cyber space, telling me to knock off the crap, put down the freakin can of peanuts and get focused on my goals. So, thank you my spark buddies for your continued support, your advice, your laughs and your kindness.