Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Things have not been going very well. In the weight loss and personal areas of my life. I've pretty much stopped exercising. The husband and I are not really on speaking terms right now I guess. And I'm feeling really hopeless. I've been trying not to binge but a part of me wants to put on all kinds of weight, kind of as an 'I'll show you!' type thing to him. I know what's wrong, I just don't know how to fix it. I can talk and talk until I'm blue in the face but it doesn't do any good.
I don't know where I read this, and I'm sure it's a big name author, but someone in some book was comparing a relationship to a bank and making deposits and withdrawals. Well, my emotional bank is overdrawn. I got no more to give. And he's not willing to do anything about it. But he wants! Oh, he wants all the time!! Then when I tell him I just don't have it in me or I'm too tired or I even try to explain the situation he gets pissed and gives me the cold shoulder.
I'm not asking for much. Buy me a $5 bouquet of flowers from Wal-Mart, and not bc I told you to! Or just simply be there. Show me affection without wanting something in return. Help around the house a little. I'm not asking you to go on a complete cleaning spree! Clean the dinner dishes or fold some laundry! But no, that's all below him. And if he DOES do it, he gripes and complains to no end and never finishes anyway!
I'm just tired of giving and giving and giving, to no end! And what do I have? An emotional void, one pair of jeans that are so uncomfortable, one pair of shoes that are falling apart, and a laundry list 10 miles long!
I want so desperately to lose this weight but I feel like I'm using it as a buffer between us. Does that make sense? I've just hit rock bottom. I'm afraid my marriage is coming to an end, and I'm not really doing much to prevent it. I'm almost welcoming it. But I don't want to feel that way. And I'm afraid until I deal with this mess I'm not going to be able to lose any weight!