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Late Nite Funnies

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

It turns out the Pakistan police pulled Osama bin Laden over for speeding. Pulled him over and wrote the guy a ticket. So listen. I don’t want to hear any more of this nonsense about Pakistan being lenient on Osama bin Laden, OK? -David Letterman

Top Ten Signs Your Country Is Too Fat

10. National bird is the Fried Chicken
9. Motto on currency reads: "You gonna finish that?"
8. Rule is divided among Prime Minister, Parliament, and a Dairy Queen
7. Flag features a steaming plate of ribs
6. Your president would never pardon a turkey
5. Official language has 50 words for "bacon"
4. You're the only country drilling for olive oil
3. National pastime: labored breathing
2. It's illegal to yell, "free cookies!" in a crowded theater
1. President is so fat, he's also the Vice-President

David Letterman

With Anthony Weiner and Eliot Spitzer running for political office, New York City is changing its nickname to ‘The City That Never Sleeps With Its Wife’. -Conan O'Brien

President Obama is getting a new limousine that will have advanced night-vision capabilities. The technology even has a cool name – it’s called headlights. -Jimmy Fallon
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