Yesterday my husband and I went to the gym to do my "homework." The good news is that I made my husband sweat a lot. We also gushed that we were proud of each other and I even got a wave out of my personal trainer who was around the offices. So, he saw me there sweating and doing his homework! That made me feel good.
However, when we got home I had some other not so happy side effects. This weekend was pay day weekend. I made it a goal for the month of July that I would not go crazy on weekends just because we had some more money. On my calendar I wrote "ONE SPLURGE"
Well, Friday (even after that crazy first session), I had dinner with a friend. Normally when I meet with her I barely eat anything all day, but I am not sure what happened that day. It definitely pushed me to nearly 3000+ calories even if I did try to leave some food on my plate.
Saturday was FULL of drama that I'd rather not get into, but it caused some emotional eating. So even if I was closer to my Sparkpeople range (2200-2400 calories), it was not what I try to shoot for each day which has been 1800. That's also what I told my personal trainer I was shooting for. My theory was if I write 2400 as a monthly goal the days that I hit anything lower would be like extra credit. But, NOW my husband and I realized I have more than just me to answer to, so anything more than 1800 that I told my trainer is really making me feel horrible about myself.
On Sunday, at least I got my home work done, but I still made some bad choices in the morning with my husband. I fixed it by dinner and only had a soup and salad, but I had to write a large number on my calendar again which made me feel bad.
While procrastinating my writing, I sat at my computer and stared at my calendar. I was actually not doing that bad...averaging around 2500 calories a day which the personal trainer has used several times in his examples. But, at the same time, I've been weighing myself daily (as usual) and instead of ignoring the number and just focusing on food and workouts I guess I expected the personal trainer to be like magic of some kind.
The scale has been going up. I know it could be muscle, but I am more likely to beat myself up over food choices.
As if FATE had stepped in there was an article that popped up where I could see it on Sparkpeople's main page yesterday. It read "how to avoid weekend blunders." I clicked on it. Some of the reasons had nothing to do with me like drinking with friends or eating bags of chips mindlessly, but there was one that made me go "OH NO! I hope that isn't becoming me"
It said "you feel you did good all week so you deserve a treat."
MAN! That is so true. I got a trainer. I worked by butt off. I sweated more than I ever have at the gym (and I have the acne to prove it) and last night I was just praying I wasn't throwing this all down the drain. My husband was a great comfort to tell me to stop looking at the scale (I wish I had a million dollars every time someone told me that). He asked me why I hadn't blogged the "what went well this weekend" blogs that he sees me do each night. I had no idea those were keeping me so positive, but he was right.
My husband and I talked at the gym and on the way back about why I wanted to do this and why we could justify spending so much on a personal trainer. I said, "I just want to be the ONE person in our families to lose the weight and say 'I did it! You can too'" My husband, Mr. Gloom with a side of realism said, "well if you are looking for an 'ah-ha i did it when you didnt' the families will just spout off about how you have special circumstances or some other excuse as to why they can't" I said it wasn't like that. I've watched my family go through spouts of exercise and weight loss and then they fall back into old patterns. It's not healthy! It's not what I want to teach my daughter and it makes me mad that none of them want to bust their ass to lose the weight. We will bust our ass on every other subject....but not physically losing weight. I just want to show them it can be done. Maybe inspire them.
I told him I am just SO determined to link scale to success. Even if I am gaining muscle, which burns calories more, I just CAN'T SEEM TO BREAK that habit. It was the only way I measured success for a long time. Even if I found new ways, like blogging and Sparkpeople, it is absolutely heartbreaking how ingrained that is in our society, or definitely in how I was raised.
So, personal training causes you to question things. And I suppose that's in a good way as long as you aren't constantly thinking of numbers and what else you could be doing. Who knows, it could just be the wake up call I needed because I finally have someone else to physically report to about what I am eating. It's not like I am in trouble....everyone including me just wants to see a healthier Mandi.