My journey got its start here on SparkPeople last September and I did really well. The pounds seemingly just melted away. Not all of them of course, but about the first 50 pounds or so. Actually, the last week before things fell apart, I had lost 58 pounds.
That's when it happened. Deprivation reared it's ugly head.
I haven't been the same since. I do still eat some of the healthier food items that I used to, but the measuring cups have spent a lot more time in my cupboard than they did when I was doing so well on SparkPeople.
I fell away. I couldn't bare the thought of tracking another crumb.
It took so much effort. Not to say that SparkPeople is hard to follow, because it's not. It's actually quite easy, but I found myself pouring so much of myself into it that there was little else left for me in the rest of the areas of my life. I was obsessed.
It was all SparkPeople, all of the time.
Now I want to return because I know SparkPeople works. I tracked some food in advance the other day based on my altered plan to reduce the rate of weight loss per week so I don't go into deprivation mode, and I find out that I'm still in deprivation mode.
The mere act of tracking has sent me into crazy mode or something. It's like I've unleashed a beast.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get past this.
Today I went to the store to buy some food to take with me to work, because I hadn't prepared the food I tracked on SparkPeople. I swear it was like I wasn't driven to pick what I did by any logical means. I bought too much, and none of it was tracked and I wasn't even that hungry.
Maybe it's what they call toxic hunger.
It's toxic for sure.
I feel like a food addict or something.
It's like if I don't get food quick, I'll go raving mad and start gnawing on my arm.
Okay, maybe I wouldn't do that, but internally, I might be feeling just about that crazy.
It doesn't seem normal to feel this way. It doesn't feel right. It's like the food is in control and I am not and I can't live like that.
That's what got me here in the first place - needing to lose over 200 pounds.
How on earth could I get like this?
Does it even matter?
What I want to know, has anybody been there and overcome that beast within, the beast that craves food so bad that it almost hurts?
I don't know if I can count calories anymore. But I also don't know if I can do it without counting calories.
I'm losing ground and gaining weight I've already lost.
Somehow, this has to stop.
Otherwise I might gnaw my arm off.
Please, someone help! I really need some advise if anyone has it.
In the meantime, I'll try like anything to get a grip!