Sunday, July 14, 2013
Dear friend - I posted this blog several days ago and have been so tempted to delete it every day since. Because I hate admitting something so icky about myself, and also because of worry that someone will read it and be hurt. ***please don't feel that what is written here is a criticism of anyone else*** It's an admission of a bad thought process in my own head; one that I want to change. And one that is not uncommon among us who need support from one another. OK? So here's the blog:
Admitting something contemptible about myself:
I've been fat all my life. For a couple of years I weighed over 300 pounds. That's not the admission - this is:
I dislike and scorn obese people.
How dare I? I have no grounds or right or logic to justify this attitude. I think it means that I scorn and dislike myself. So when I see something that reminds me of me, I reject that thing; a form of self-rejection.
Knowing how being fat has made me suffer, why am I not moved to compassion and fellow-feeling when i see a fellow fattie? But I'm not (although this is the first time i've really admitted to myself and tried to explore this feeling)
It could be that losing weight is a way to kill this disliked self. Like a murder. I am killing my victim Fat Denise, and she fights "me" (who is "me"??) with binges and laziness in her attempt to survive.
So really, who is the "I" in that scenario? I think she is fierce, and I know she is angry. And I'm a little scared of her. Did you see the movie Long Kiss Goodnight? When Gina Davis's character begins to remember her pre-amnesia self - who was an assassin? It's kinda like that.
I changed my profile image to this fiery naked woman. That I chose that image to represent me is uncharacteristic (understatement) and has something to do with whatever it is I am trying to say in this blog.
I have a box of paper scraps and cutouts and bits of ribbon etc that is supposed to become a vision collage someday. But i Just Can't MAKE IT. I can't see who is going to be here in a year or two if I lose 120 lbs. I can't envision who will be left if Fat Denise is gone.