Living In The Past, Cause I Have No Future, & The Past Poisons The Present
To put someone in the nursing home here, all it takes is the word of a (as in only ONE) social worker, doctor, or psychiatrist, before the *right* judge. And, I learned when I had a car accident a few years ago, that a professional person in the know can 'arrange' to come before a judge that they know is inclined to go a certain way, as in to always take the side of the social worker, doctor, or psychiatrist.
So, what it would amount to, if one of these professionals petitioned a 'court ordered committal', would be a deck-stacked crap-shoot of whether I would have a chance in hades of winning. Probably not. Usually a person doesn’t get enough notice about committal in order to get a good lawyer, and so I would likely be in a nursing home before I knew what was happening. And, then, since I am on Medicaid, my funds would be court ordered ‘locked up’ to go to the Assisted Living Center’, and I would have no funds for a lawyer, and so if I wanted to fight it I would have to ask for Legal Aid (which really stacks the deck against me). I could be put into a nursing home within 24 hours of them asking a judge for it, and I might not even know it was coming before a judge, (depending on how it was handled). If the professional knows their stuff, they can actually go to a judge and have it ordered and done BEFORE I even knew it was happening, thus with NO chance of contesting it.
I have no family at all to lessen the chance of this happening, and my only back-up to stop this from happening is Chuck. (Yeah, that gives me some sense of security! NOT!)
I have known several cases here in town who were reported by busybodies here, for the sole issue of having messy houses. No, not hoarder levels at all. The only thing that stopped these people from being committed to Assisted Living, is people hearing that the busybodies were ‘busy’. The one case (an elderly man) the family stepped in and stopped it. The other case the woman (in about my age and condition) had no family and her husband had passed a couple of months prior; the only way she stopped it was to quickly move to another town before social services stepped completed the steps necessary. And, the ones wanting to commit these 2 people were really p.o.’d that these 2 escaped their control. Years later these 2 are still doing very well living independently, so plainly they didn’t NEED to be institutionalized. It was just because someone got off on their need for power and control.
I have decided that I will NOT continue with this psychiatrist I have now seen 3 times. All she wants to do is force antidepressants on me, regardless of what it will do to my heart (I’d be dead in possibly weeks, or several months, at most, cause they cause my heart failure to worsen so quickly that my lungs fill with fluid). And, since I am not cooperating with her demands to take the meds, her alternative is to force me into the nursing home, where she could then force me to take whatever meds they choose to order.
And, there the doctors would also force statin anti-cholesterol meds too, which I have refused to take because 13 years ago I developed severe neuropathy and autonomic neuropathy from (meaning even the nerves to the functioning of my organs such as my heart and breathing, were severely damaged), and I also was going into rhamdomyolitis, which was doing damage to my kidneys and would have destroyed them totally. But now again they are trying to ‘demand’ I take statins. And, if they got me into the nursing home they could, and would, force all their dang medications on me.
This is ALL ABOUT CONTROL. And, money. The doctors have repeatedly told me, “You are costing the system a lot of money if we can’t ‘pull the plug’ on you.” SO, I started saving the system money by not going to the doctors unless I was to the point of no choice. But, geez, they still ain’t happy, cause I am on social security disability, food stamps, medical assistance, and fuel assistance. And, THOSE THINGS still cost the system a lot of money. AND THAT JUST CAN’T CONTINUE! If I were put in a nursing home, and had those meds forced on me, then my heart would give out in weeks or a couple of months, as well as my already damaged kidneys and liver. Then I would no longer COST the system MONEY. And, they would finally be happy because they finally succeeded in having CONTROL.
You would never in your life dream doctors would think this way, until you get extremely ill to the point you have to have a lot to do with them, and you find out how they feel about those people in society that they consider ‘disposable’.
Also, if I was in a nursing home I would be living on the poor quality hospital food. No greens and natural foods etc. I know I do eat a lot of ‘bad’ foods too, but I still feel that the huge amount of whole natural foods I eat helps keep me alive. Also, the homeopathic meds and supplements I take have been a huge help in keeping my heart functioning and keeping me alive. Doctors are absolutely, completely, and totally against these homeopathic methods.
They have already told me, “That if they get me into Assisted Living I will eat what they tell me to eat, I will take whatever drugs they order, I will not be allowed to exercise for my heart - cause you go into one of those places to die, I will sleep when they tell me to sleep, wake when they tell me to wake, I will wash my hair only once a week, and if I don’t cooperate with all of that they will quickly ship me over to the nursing home, where they will medicate me into submission.” Yeah, they boldly and vehemently told me that 13 years ago!
Just one example: before I started these homeopathic and natural methods I had an extremely large and unstable plaque in my carotid artery. It is now GONE. Doctors would rather push statins, which are far more dangerous to my health and are far less effective. My homeopathic treatments have some side mild effects at times, but far less than the meds. And the benefits have been huge. As in my health has improved, and I am still alive 13 years after they gave me a few weeks to a bare few months to live. So, yeah, I have had 13 more years to thwart their control, and cost the system money!
So, I am going to cancel my appointments with this new psychiatrist. Due to this threat she levied, saying she was going to say “I am at a risk of suicide” (even though I told her I am not depressed or suicidal) (so she could court commit me to Assisted Living), now I am forced to depend more on Chuck and not rock the boat with him over his behaviors. Cause he may be the only person that could help foil her if she actually tries to put me into the nursing home when I cancel my appointments with her.
The reasons it is in Chuck’s best interests to keep me out of the nursing home:
~ He is conflicted at times whether he wants me dead and buried vs. his fear of being totally alone in this world.
~ In ‘Assisted Living’ I still have some freedom to go places, and I could go to my safe deposit box and access the copies of his writings and give them to certain pertinent people. So, it is in his best interests for me to not be alive and out of his reach while really upset at him. My death is only in his best interests if it happens suddenly or at home.
It’s the pits to live this way. I guess I can function with it because I grew up with it. Well, actually I grew up with much worse even. So living in this way is sorta ‘just almost normal’. Certainly I have experience in coping with it, and still going on with each day.
I kinda feel that my problem all these years, was thinking the best of people, giving people the ‘benefit of the doubt’, and trusting people. How wrong I was. I should have known from my childhood that doctors, social workers, cops etc. couldn’t be trusted. After all, they left us in an extremely abusive home that was, on a day to day basis, near to killing all us kids, and certainly abused in the most egregious ways.
The ONE THING this new shrink said that I utterly agree with is “That I live in the past.” I live in the past because I can’t get beyond it when I am living with someone who created many of the horrors of my past (Chuck), who reincarnates those memories when he adds to the abuses. I live in the past because I can’t move, get my divorce, and move on. When I have tried to move on without Chuck, therapists insist on ‘digging up’ and examining all the cr#p, and when the hear the extent of the traumas it seems to triggers those people to TRY to (take over) and control me in much the way Chuck has. (Though from what I have read in the book “AGAINST THERAPY, by Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson”, that it is almost a natural reflex for those in those power positions to abuse their positions of power and control). Only if one of them took total control it would be even more extreme, total, and dangerous than Chucks. So, whenever they have started their (utmost control cr#p) that scares me into not completely making the break from Chuck. Cause after all, I have NO other family, and those professionals can (usually) only take total control over a patients life if that patient has NO other family members to step in.
But, even this shrink who says, “I’m living in the past wants to spend enormous amounts of time digging up all the horrors of the past. How contradictory!
She also says, “I will never be able to stop living in the past as long as I am around Chuck”. I agree. But, then when one of these yahoo’s threaten me with Assisted Living, it makes it very unsafe to detach from Chuck, since I have no family at all that can step in and stop these yahoo’s from taking control of my life. So their very threats help keep me tied to Chuck. Are they really THAT stupid that they can’t see that!?
So, I feel stuck. I can’t work anymore. I am dependent on disability, thus Medicaid and social workers. I can’t be totally independent any more. But, I am not in a state to be in a nursing home either, except to satisfy those professionals power and control issues. So, it seems I can’t really move forward. So, I have no future due to the past effecting my present. And my present is often lived in the past due to the control and abuse issues of Chuck and so-called professionals.
When a person has a dependency on some part of ‘the system‘, you also are at the mercy of the conscience and ethics of those in that system. And, where there’s power and control, there is abuse of power and control.
What I would like to do is one of two things:
1) I would like to live here so I could keep my dogs (the only real thing I have left in life), and so I could live in a decent place with my dogs and books, have computer etc. But, have little or no association with Chuck. And, get some positive associations out in the community (which, I see will only happen by counteracting in some way, the smear campaign Chuck has done to my name). But, staying here also puts me at the mercy of the so-called professionals.
2) Ideally I would like to move far across the state where nobody knows me at all. Be able to go to new doctors whose opinions aren’t influenced by the negative writings in my charts about past suicidal attempts (in the 1980’s when I was being emotionally, physically, and sexually abused into oblivion). I would not have any of my medical records follow me, I would never again go to a therapist or psychiatrist (which severely taints doctors opinions of the value of a person). I would literally start fresh in a new town that hasn’t been contaminated by the stuff that has gone on here. And, without the past being constantly brought to mind by seeing Chuck and dealing with him, as well as the various issues with so-called professionals. If I could accomplish that, well the past could slide into the past. Where I wanted it to be years ago when I moved to the city for 7 years. But, then therapist felt it necessary to dig up all the cr#p from the past, so still I was often not ‘free‘. When I wasn’t around a therapist or Chuck, I was able to get on with life; live in the present and not the past. I still couldn’t live in the future because I couldn’t divorce Chuck, and therapists gave me no hope of the future, cause they kept saying, “I can’t believe you’re not dead yet.” Well, sc#%* them! I’m still not dead! And, if I can stay out of Assisted Living I could probably live a good long while yet. Problem is, I’m not really living either. Cause I am living in the past. I wish I weren’t. I don’t know how to move beyond the past when I am living here, and still involved with control freaks - like psychiatrists threatening to put me into Assisted Living. Dealing with the issues of Chuck is tame compared to dealing with the control freaks who have a ‘title’.
For now, I am going to drop this new shrink. I will go to a NP psych nurse for periodic sleeping pills, so that I meet the requirements of disability. With her I would only have ‘meds appointments’ which would last maybe 15 minutes, quarterly, instead of the exhausting, debilitating 2 hour appointments the current one is subjecting me to. And, after another year I may just disappear from going…
Maybe, just maybe, I can find a way to move forward instead of living in the past…