Saturday, July 13, 2013
My unraveling started 3 weeks ago when I found my old diaries and the emotions of a break up that were stuffed deep down inside erupted like a volcano. I felt raw, vulnerable , hurt and of course focused on how unfair life is. But through tapping and lots of friends around me here and in my family I have slowly started feeling better. Still not 100% but definitely better than 3 weeks ago.
Today is supposed to be my independence day. 21 years I made a decision and I don't regret running. Yet today ... after all these years it still hurts - a lot.
I took time to meditate, to tap and do things that please me. Since I am off juicing I had protein and ate veggies with some cheese. Had my favorite juices. Surrounded myself with fun people. I did good.
But when I wrote in my diary ... a different story unfolded. Still the why's... still the what if's. Which make no sense as I knew what I was doing that day. If you met me, you would realize within 5 min that I am very hopelessly optimistic, and totally unromantic. Yet i think my mind is hoping for stupid Hollywood ending.
Like that is even a remote possibility. And lets humor the brain and say .. ok lets say it does happen. And miraculously he flies across the atlantic and shows up at my door step. Then what?
So I have my work cut out. Though I am not crying every 5 min anymore, I still cry. It still catches me off guard. It still hurts. It still feels unfair. But the most unfair is, that my heart hasn't healed and because of that it has not allowed love to enter.
I think it is time I change that.