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    ASHLEYENGELBERG   8,976
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Why I need to be naked (no mature content)

Friday, July 12, 2013

There are times when I feel so down on myself and motivation is absolutely nowhere to be found. A serious hiccup in my marriage (let's just say I found incrimminating text messages) a few weeks ago combined with an illness that would.not.go.away (GRRR!!!) sent me into a tailspin.

I went rogue. Eating whatever, whenever. Not giving a damn about anyone (including myself). I resorted back to my famous tactics of hiding food and purposely scheduling time with me home by myself so I could eat whatever I want and then hide the evidence. Going to my parents house when I knew they weren't home to raid their fridge. All the old standbys returned with a vengence.

I couldn't bring myself to stop. I looked for the motivation, but it just wasn't there. It's hard to stop self-destructive behaviors when I'm in full-self-hatred mode.

I'm not over it all, but this morning when my pants were tight I decided it was truth time and stepped on the scale. 271.3 Yikes!! That was a hard one to see. I haven't been that high in a couple years. So today I throw myself at the mercy of my sparkpeeps because I need to bounce back in a big way. I'm not playing around anymore!

I need all the support I can get, but I recognize that all the support in the world won't help unless I'm totally honest and naked during this process. So *strips* here I am. And I will stay this way! The good news is that as I lose weight and improve my habits I will be happier with myself naked. No more hiding! Covering up what I don't like doesn't fix it! For this process to be successful I need to be naked!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FANGFACEKITTY 7/13/2013 6:54AM

    emoticon

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HIKINGSD 7/13/2013 3:17AM

    I am so sorry to hear you are struggling. You are not alone and you never need to hide from us. We are here for you NO MATTER WHAT.

(((HUGS)))

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100LBLIGHTER 7/12/2013 3:34PM

    Ashley your post breaks my heart....what a beautiful young lady you are.Your hair is long and luxurious....your skin creamy and bright. You have an enchanting smile which tells me you have a sparkling personality...articulate in your writings which tells me you are intelligent, full of wit that tells me you have a great since of humor. Why would anyone want to cheat on a girl like that and why would that beauty want to sabotage her health because of this person who can not see the beauty of this girl ???? You, dear, deserve much much more... You deserve to be loved unconditionally.....you deserve to be healthy and fit ...able to do everything your heart desires. I saw your wish list....go for it. Let no one who hurts or disappoints you make you turn around. Make yourself a list of things you like about yourself....and make a poster with this list on it. Put a picture of yourself on that poster and everyday....look at yourself and tell yourself what an amazing person you are. Start living full and large. Be good to yourself....with things that feed your soul and spirit...not your body. Be happy!!! It is a choice...and you can do it. Look at yourself, change the things you don't like....get help if need be. Trust yourself..and if that man can not see who you are above and beyond those pounds.... that is his problem. I pray for your happiness and well-being. emoticon Grace

Comment edited on: 7/12/2013 10:28:47 PM

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CHRISTASP 7/12/2013 2:27PM

    emoticon You're very courageous.

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PROPMAN1 7/12/2013 2:26PM

  Hiding does no good. People will see even though they may not say. Sorry you're going through this. Been there....done that! IT SUCKS!! You can't control 'him' but you can control "you". Take this peace and make it your own. Someone once told me that my best revenge was to be happy!!! Please...try to get thru this and...be happy. emoticon

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MYUTMOST4HIM 7/12/2013 2:15PM

    You can't hide what you do in secret!!! It doesn't matter what IT is - a fling with food or another person - it is bound to be found out one way or another. You "wear" your fling in pounds - so others do notice - they just might not say anything.
You also "found out" by unfortunate circumstances that someone is having a fling of another sort.
I say - control what you can - your relationship with food - It could be the only way you keep your life from spinning out of control.
I hope things get better for you

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