Friday, July 12, 2013
There are times when I feel so down on myself and motivation is absolutely nowhere to be found. A serious hiccup in my marriage (let's just say I found incrimminating text messages) a few weeks ago combined with an illness that would.not.go.away (GRRR!!!) sent me into a tailspin.
I went rogue. Eating whatever, whenever. Not giving a damn about anyone (including myself). I resorted back to my famous tactics of hiding food and purposely scheduling time with me home by myself so I could eat whatever I want and then hide the evidence. Going to my parents house when I knew they weren't home to raid their fridge. All the old standbys returned with a vengence.
I couldn't bring myself to stop. I looked for the motivation, but it just wasn't there. It's hard to stop self-destructive behaviors when I'm in full-self-hatred mode.
I'm not over it all, but this morning when my pants were tight I decided it was truth time and stepped on the scale. 271.3 Yikes!! That was a hard one to see. I haven't been that high in a couple years. So today I throw myself at the mercy of my sparkpeeps because I need to bounce back in a big way. I'm not playing around anymore!
I need all the support I can get, but I recognize that all the support in the world won't help unless I'm totally honest and naked during this process. So *strips* here I am. And I will stay this way! The good news is that as I lose weight and improve my habits I will be happier with myself naked. No more hiding! Covering up what I don't like doesn't fix it! For this process to be successful I need to be naked!