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Friday, July 12, 2013

I haven't been active here in so long. I just gave up I think. It's depressing.

Life has been crazy busy, but that's only an excuse when it comes to keeping on track. I hate excuses. So the truth is I've dropped the ball on my program. And I'm not even sure I want to start over. I know it's about picking yourself up when you fall, but the I now know what it takes to lose the weight, and I'm not sure I want to commit to that much effort. Ugh.

My middle daughter joined swim team this summer. They actually start before school is out, every afternoon. Then when school is out every morning at 7am. It took me a month before I realized I could go for a walk while she was practicing. So I did. I loved it, it was beautiful, on a trail that felt like I was walking in the woods. But swim team is over. And I don't live near there. I tell myself i need to keep it up, to find another way to accomplish that walk. But I have no solution as of yet, and I don't seem to have the energy to find one. Ugh.

My sister in law passed away a few days before Memorial Day. She was 50. She was in good health. A blood clot was in her leg and it broke loose and she died within minutes. She was my husband's older sister. It was devastating. We had to help his parents (who are in their 80's) clean out her condo, after my hubs spent a very stressful week making funeral plans. It was an incredibly painful time for our family. Ugh.

Both our older girls (11 and 16) have gone on separate mission trips through our church. Great opportunities to travel, and to learn to help others. One worked in a community garden and a food bank, packing food. The other is currently in Tacoma working on building houses for habitat for humanity. I'm so proud of them both, and happy they are learning to volunteer, which I think is important. But that said, it throws our routines off at home - I am doing more chores (which sounds selfish I suppose on my part), but it means I have less time for me. I know, excuses. Ugh.

On some brighter notes. We did get to DisneyWorld. Had loads of fun. We are going camping end of this month also. Trying to make up for no vacation last year I guess.

So for the past 6 months I have maintained my weight. I am down about 20 pounds from my high when I started here. But I am UP from the all time low of having lost almost 50 pounds. So in black and white, that means I gained 30 pounds again!! Ugh. Really, double ugh.

I know I need to consistently exercise. And I know I need to eat healthily consistently also. I am doing neither of those things. I'm not sure I want to commit to the time spark requires. Because daily or even weekly blogging takes away from other things I want to do. But I also know it's the accountability that helps make me successful. I have thought of joining a challenge again, but boy they take a lot of time.

So I'm wallowing. I'm sitting on the fence. I'm stuck. I cannot seem to find the motivation to move forward, and I'm hoping against hope that I don't fall back anymore. I sure wish I could find the energy and desire to kick myself in the butt.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your sister-in-law. That itself is enough to topple anyone from what they know they can and should do - trust me. Yes, many of us see and feel this same way, so take whatever comfort there is in knowing you're not alone.
    Do what you can, what feels good or right for you. Don't worry about this aspect of things - the online. You have the tools at your fingertips, do whatever feels right for you in this moment. You have a lifetime to live, this is but a small piece of it.
    1707 days ago
    Mhmmm...i'm feeling ya! I'm on day 4 of carb rehab.....AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! I was just thinking about how it has taken me sooooooooooooooooooooooo long and i'm still not anywhere near goal....I just keep starting and getting sidetracked and starting again, and life is so unpredictable and up and down and here and there....but I decided that I don't care. As long as I keep starting again every time a life circumstance grabs me by the hair, it's all good. Don't hate on yourself. Do what you can when you can...we know that motivation and enthusiasm comes and goes, and we know that no matter what, you are a rock star. As evidenced by your very cool hair!
    Big hugs! emoticon emoticon
    PS So sorry about the loss of your sis in law.
    1707 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/15/2013 9:38:00 AM
  • DOODIE59
    Hi Deb
    Perhaps it helps to know that going up and down is all part of the process. Stopping dead in your tracks and regressing? All part of the process. Just remember that your end goal is better health. And, as I keep reminding myself, if I'd been happy to lose 10 pounds a year ... I'd have been back to normal a long time ago. It is all about one step at a time, and lifestyle changes. That blissful walk you like so much? Line up a friend to do it on Fridays, say -- and that "visit" will be your reward for having done two other walks either on the path you like or somewhere closer to home, for ease's sake. It's all about moving. Last summer I joined a discount fitness club close by, and was only fit enough to use the treadmill to walk. Still, I lost 7 lb in 3 months. Sounds like nothing? That would have been 28 lb over the course of a year -- and that is a significant amount.

    I really hear you about putting the kids first. I did it myself for years as a stay-at-home mother, and the truth is we ARE part of the family and we have to make time for ourselves. I know you've run a few races before, and I'd suggest signing up for one in the Fall -- just so you have a real target that requires goal setting and effort. Also, talk a buddy into it, as well, and you have a double incentive to stay focused -- at least until the race has passed. You'll have a lovely T-shirt, have reached a better level of fitness, and maybe even have found the motivation to pick another challenge or at least keep up the workout. You can do this, Deb ... your future awaits:)
    Good luck!
    I'd also like to say I'm sorry to hear about your Sister-in-law. Very sad.
    1707 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/15/2013 8:24:54 AM
    Ugh... I get it. Wish I could say I didn't - would LOVE to say "huh? what are you talking about?"

    But I can't.

    My recent *situation* has caused me to look at everything as well. I can only offer this -

    Take what is useful, and dump the rest. What you deem as useful may change many times. But for right now--take what IS working and build (kind of like Para's anchor).

    My eating sucks. BIG SUCKY SUCK OF ALL SUCKINESS! But exercise is grounding me, anchoring me. Find your anchor.

    Thank you for being honest about this. And KNOW that we all have been here. And will be here again. It's about not giving up, not perfection. And by simply writing this blog, you haven't given up. You could have just disappeared, yet you've reached out and started to look at it. Start there.

    Break it down into the doable - I know you know all of this. And you've done it before. Maybe what worked before won't work now. But find that one thing.

    Let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do to help. I have very *strong* ears (from all that strength training, HA!) and can listen for hours (grin)

    Be well.

    1710 days ago
    You are not beholden to a website or any one except YOURSELF.

    Use spark for what it is, a tool. If you feel like venting on your blog, do it. But never feel you HAVE to do it. As for weight loss, you don't need spark to lose weight. You have the knowledge you need. You can track calories and exercise minutes on a piece of paper. Heck, you can even keep a hand written journal for those times when you just have to vent it out but don't have the time/energy to fire up the computer.

    And even if you wander away, you'll always know there is a community here of folks who "get it". Most of us have and will wander in and out of this sphere. It's part of the process of understanding who you are and what makes you happy.

    1710 days ago
    Oh feisty, thank you for sharing this. I don't know one person on spark who reading this doesn't see themselves.

    It seems that for you and I, and I suspect others, that routine is key in staying on track. This makes sense-- as we got here, to this overweight, unhealthy place due to a lack of priority in taking care of ourselves, but also due to our odd relationships with food and exercise.

    It takes work, to exercise, to eat right, especially coming from a place where habits have developed to create the overweight and out of shape people that we are. The mental preparation, the sheer amount of concentration to stay on track is one thing. It's the routines that keep us there, that make some of the mental stuff manageable.

    Your time to walk during your daughter swimming is one example. That time became your time to exercise. You remove that, and where do you exercise now? Life finds ways of filling any free time with life stuff, not leaving space for exercise.

    For me, losing Yosh was a huge factor in falling off the wagon. She forced me to get up early every day and walk her for 1/2 to 1 hour every morning and again every night. Without Yoshi, my exercise time went kaput.

    Your routines are all screwy right now due to your daughters' absences, however meaningful and beneficial their reasons to be absent. Rather the spending the energy beating yourself up, feeling stressed or ashamed, look at your schedule now. It's unlikely that you are living your life today with absolutely no schedule, even though the kids are away and you have extra chores to do.

    Do you get up every morning at x time? do laundry at x time three days a week? Is there anything in your life now, that happens with a regularity you can depend on? That's key. If you find the anchor, build off that. (I need to do the same in my life, so please don't see this as a preachy you should do this kinda thing. Talking about this is possibly even more helpful to me in trying to sort out my life and routine.)

    Whatever you do, keep sparking, even if you're not on your spark track. The community here understands and is full of a wealth of ideas that can help. Yes, it can be time consuming, but it doesn't have to be... just do what you can to stay connected. Who knows, one morning you might read that ONE blog that resonates and keys up your motivation again.

    Lastly, I am very sorry to hear of your recent loss. I wish you and your family peace and normalcy again.

    Thank you for sharing this. You have helped me a bunch.
    1710 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/12/2013 11:19:43 AM
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