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I Had a Bad Day

Friday, July 12, 2013

Okay, so I had a bad day.

I don’t often say that, even if it happens to be true. Most days I keep smiling, giving myself positive self-talk, and reminding myself that I am being successful. Today I had trouble doing that. I can’t seem to dredge up the energy to be good to myself, at least not mentally. I feel drained and depressed, and am trying to ignore a hovering dark cloud that is whispering “oh, come on, you know it’s all hopeless” in my ear.

I didn’t feel like cooking today, but I did it anyway. I didn’t feel like Sparking today, but I did it anyway. I didn’t feel like sticking to my calorie range and doing my exercise, but I did it anyway. I didn’t feel like working on the new project I’ve been so excited about, but I did it anyway. So, you may ask: What’s the problem, then? The problem is that I didn’t do any of those things with my usual enthusiasm; hence, none of them gave me any joy or satisfaction.

I found myself remembering this quote from F. Scott Fitzgerald -- "The test of a first rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function."

It seems I’m doing just that, although I’m not feeling particularly intelligent. I’m feeling decidedly dull witted.

Past experience and common sense tell me that positive thinking works; that smiling through adversity makes the process easier. For heaven’s sake, my last blog was about the power of a smile, and I meant it! I used to be a sales manager, and was regularly tasked with giving speeches on positive thinking; "esprit de corps" speeches, as my boss called them. But, right at this moment, although I believe in positive thinking, I don’t truly “feel” it. I feel like I’m faking it.

Every smile today felt forced and completely fake.

I know what triggered this, an encounter with my youngest daughter, who tends to concentrate on the negative. Normally I just listen, give her advice or a pep talk if it seems appropriate, hug her, and move on. But, this time I could feel the energy being drained right out of me. She has an anxiety condition, so I know she struggles. She isn’t doing this to me on purpose, yet I feel like something was definitely being done to me; like I was being infected with a virus. I’m not sure that makes a lot of sense, but it feels true to me.

I will keep moving forward, regardless of how I feel, because that’s just what I do. I hope, though, that this “thing” clears up quickly. I really hate the way I’m feeling. I don’t feel like me.

Meanwhile I’ll keep reminding myself that-- “No emotion is final. However you feel now is not how you will feel later. Or tomorrow. Or the day after that, or the day after that.” --Tracy Moore

Meanwhile, I find myself wishing I could just click on a happy button and all this would go away.

This, too, shall pass.

Thanks for listening.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • 1SALMON1
    Hello, Lou - a couple of days have passed since you posted this blog, so perhaps things have brightened up at your end of the world. What came to my mind while reading this is times when my attitude or mood took a dive a day or two before I got sick. Or sometimes it would turn out to be hormones - gotta love 'em. The other thought was that something about your conversation with your daughter worried you beyond the usual, and that alarm is ringing somewhere deep inside making it impossible to put your enthusiasm or energy anywhere else. All speculation, of course, and based on my experiences so may not pertain. I do hope whatever it is has eased and you find your smiles coming naturally and sincerely again...
    1714 days ago
  • JIMINY24
    Sorry you're in this funk, it's definitely not your usual style. I can relate though, I'm in that 'going through the motions' mindset today. Can't put my finger on where it comes from. I'm glad you were strong enough to stick to your goals anyway, no matter how half-hearted the efforts may have been-you still stuck with it! I hope your Saturday is going better. ((hugs))
    1715 days ago
    So sorry to hear that your Friday was such a downer. I hope that you have a real fun weekend to make up for it!

    1715 days ago
    Personally, I was thinking this and as I quickly scanned what the others posted before me .... I happen to like what CHRISTASP said as this is what I also felt re: your situation. ............. Often when I am 'not feeling' into something ......... I can respect that and move Away from it ................ I am not into exercise EVERY day, but often enough ..............I think we are quite vast creatures and we can't happily put ourselves into a box of being or feeling perfect ............. and sometimes I love cooking, then others, I eat simply as I do not really want to be in the kitchen. Hope this makes sense to you ............... I actually think you are feeling 'quite normal' .............. and not alone ................ emoticon ........ here for you any time you need.
    1715 days ago
    I absolutely understand where you are coming from. My FIL is just full of negativity and it's draining to be around him. Yet, we're the only ones he has for the most part. I hope today is a better day. All that I can do is tell you to keep pushing forward and doing what you're doing. I can also offer you a hug emoticon ! I hope things have gone better for you so far today!

    emoticon emoticon
    1716 days ago
    Just keep ignoring the voice, keep doing what you know you need to do, and I bet that dark cloud will move away in no time! Follow all the wonderful advice on your SparkPage wallpaper, and feel free to vent in a blog, because nobody here will judge you, and getting it all out in some form HELPS!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    Oh and get lots of
    I know when I don't get enough sleep it seems to just make everything seem worse.
    1716 days ago
    1716 days ago
    I am so sorry--- hope you are feeling better now.

    Your daughter's negativity has drained your energy you said. Perhaps you feel it is up to you to "talk" her out of it.
    Recently I heard a mental health professional say that one cannot talk a person out of depression. This hit me like a ton of bricks when she made this comment! It offered me relief in a sense--- because I thought it was my responsibility to make my depressed sister "happy"--- It does not work! And after listening to the negativity, and the misery from my sister, I am often drained to the bone!------ I must make the effort to steel myself against this situation.
    I go back to read your blog--- SMILE! Yes, read this again and again !!

    Warm regards to you, and SMILE--because there are Sparkers who care about you!
    1716 days ago
    I can so relate to this blog! My feelings are a constant contradiction to what I actually make myseolf do! It is a constant battle! I am still hoping that one day these things will come more naturally. Until then, "fake it til you make it" is my motto!
    1716 days ago
  • LINDAK25

    1716 days ago
    I so with I could help you. I understand where you are. Hey, I know it doesn't feel like much right now, but you stayed on track. That is a HUGE victory. Be proud.
    1716 days ago
    (((((HUGS))))) Dealt with my son who had these issues and it IS draining to your very bone marrow, even when you love these kids with every fiber of your being! You're not alone. Hang in there.
    1716 days ago
  • JACKIE542
    We all have times like this, but what you say at the end is so true, this, too shall pass and you will be smiling again. emoticon
    1716 days ago
  • DARLY55
    I also have a daughter with anxiety and depression issues. It is draining to talk her up from a deep depression, I know what you are experiencing. I am positive while talking to her on the phone, trying my best to get her to the positive side of life, but when I hang up it is like the drain opens up and sucks out my energy for a bit - but I never let her know that. Hang in there, every day is a new adventure! You have to take care of you first and foremost! emoticon
    1716 days ago
    It is absolutely true that the anxiety or negativity of the people we care about brings us down. It hurts so much to be powerless in the face of their pain and not be able to change it. Wishing you relief.
    1716 days ago
    It may be hard for right now, but you are strong and can keep on going! I know you can make it.
    1716 days ago
    Maybe you need to take a little rest. Still do the most important things but also give yourself time to just 'hang around' and allow yourself to not do things you don't feel like doing.
    Hope you'll be feeling better soon.
    1716 days ago
    I'm so sorry. I'm here for you. I hope the next day is better for you.
    1716 days ago
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