Okay, so I had a bad day.
I don’t often say that, even if it happens to be true. Most days I keep smiling, giving myself positive self-talk, and reminding myself that I am being successful. Today I had trouble doing that. I can’t seem to dredge up the energy to be good to myself, at least not mentally. I feel drained and depressed, and am trying to ignore a hovering dark cloud that is whispering “oh, come on, you know it’s all hopeless” in my ear.
I didn’t feel like cooking today, but I did it anyway. I didn’t feel like Sparking today, but I did it anyway. I didn’t feel like sticking to my calorie range and doing my exercise, but I did it anyway. I didn’t feel like working on the new project I’ve been so excited about, but I did it anyway. So, you may ask: What’s the problem, then? The problem is that I didn’t do any of those things with my usual enthusiasm; hence, none of them gave me any joy or satisfaction.
I found myself remembering this quote from F. Scott Fitzgerald -- "The test of a first rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function."
It seems I’m doing just that, although I’m not feeling particularly intelligent. I’m feeling decidedly dull witted.
Past experience and common sense tell me that positive thinking works; that smiling through adversity makes the process easier. For heaven’s sake, my last blog was about the power of a smile, and I meant it! I used to be a sales manager, and was regularly tasked with giving speeches on positive thinking; "esprit de corps" speeches, as my boss called them. But, right at this moment, although I believe in positive thinking, I don’t truly “feel” it. I feel like I’m faking it.
Every smile today felt forced and completely fake.
I know what triggered this, an encounter with my youngest daughter, who tends to concentrate on the negative. Normally I just listen, give her advice or a pep talk if it seems appropriate, hug her, and move on. But, this time I could feel the energy being drained right out of me. She has an anxiety condition, so I know she struggles. She isn’t doing this to me on purpose, yet I feel like something was definitely being done to me; like I was being infected with a virus. I’m not sure that makes a lot of sense, but it feels true to me.
I will keep moving forward, regardless of how I feel, because that’s just what I do. I hope, though, that this “thing” clears up quickly. I really hate the way I’m feeling. I don’t feel like me.
Meanwhile I’ll keep reminding myself that-- “No emotion is final. However you feel now is not how you will feel later. Or tomorrow. Or the day after that, or the day after that.” --Tracy Moore
Meanwhile, I find myself wishing I could just click on a happy button and all this would go away.
This, too, shall pass.
Thanks for listening.